Our daughter (Candace) is posting on Facebook about our family’s trip to Fiji to visit the places Ashton served during his mission! Besides Candace, the trip includes our living sons, Jordan and Jacob.
https://www.facebook.com/jondace

When we were in Rockford, I listened to a woman talk about her mother who had just passed away. She said that both of her parents are now in Heaven…taking advantage of all that Heaven has to offer.

Sometimes I feel Ashton’s absence so deeply. Now is one of those times.

But I love the thought of Ashton taking advantage of all that Heaven has to offer. 

What ARE the offerings of Heaven? They have to be so sweet, peaceful and love filled. 

Light filled.

It has to be unlike anything I could ever describe with my mortal frame of reference.

But… I’ve been thinking… what does Heaven have to offer me as an earthling?

How can I take advantage of all that Heaven has to offer even though I’m not a resident?

As I think about it…here is what I know. This is what Heaven has offered me so far.

Sometimes Heaven feels so close. I can‘t describe how I know… I just know when I feel it. I only feel it when I’m still. When my mind is quiet.

Sometimes at night right before I go to sleep when I’m finishing the prayer I started on my knees. Sometimes in the morning, right when I wake and it’s quiet, as I’m asking for strength for this day. Sometimes in the temple where earth and heaven can be so intertwined. 

Then sometimes when Ashton is close…when he brings his peace he’s so good at sharing. 

It’s a tangible feeling…that fills every fiber of my being… a beautiful warm love that’s different from any other feeling I’ve felt on earth. 

It doesn’t always come when I ask. But when it does… I feel known, heard, and so very strengthened.

Enveloped in LOVE & LIGHT…♥️🌟

Right now… that’s what Heaven offers me as I am earthbound.

I treasure each warm and tender offering.

Written November 14, 2023, by Faye.

**I want to acknowledge this caricature of Ashton as a Fijian missionary. It was painted by a friend of our daughter-in-law, Rubi, in 2015. Thank you Luis. You don’t even know us, but we appreciate this gift so much.♥️

Rockford, Illinois 

That’s where Ashton was born. 

Carter was in his first year of residency there beginning in the Fall of 1991. We had two little children, Candace, age 6 and Jordan, age 4. We wanted to have another child but I had not been well. During our time there, I felt that God gave me a window of wellness. Ashton was born on April 30, 1992 at Saint Anthony’s hospital. The pregnancy was a little crazy. I was in the hospital at the beginning for a few days with dehydration. Jordan was my companion and little buddy during that time while I was sick. He would sit on the arm of the recliner with me. We would sing and read and watch television together at home while Candace attended 1st grade at Carlson Elementary down the street. 

I craved Taco Bell bean burritos… No sauce and no onion.  I ate a lot of grapefruit, sometimes six in one day.  They were 12 for a dollar at Aldi. 

I am flying out today, Friday, to meet Carter, who has been at a conference all week in Chicago. We will drive up to Rockford to spend the weekend. It’s the first time we’ve been back since moving away. Ashton was 3 months old when we left Rockford. The 10 year angelversary of Ashton’s death is coming up in January and it is looming. 

Thus, the writing has started up again, for me. It’s a big need. 

Heading up to Rockford just seems appropriate right now, especially since Carter is already there, close. We plan to drive by the home where we lived during that year…go by the hospital where he was born… attend church with the people who celebrated with us when Ashton was born. And just be in that beautiful place where Ashton began his life with us.

I am looking forward to it. Looking forward to remembering the anticipated time of another sweet child, I thought I could never have. 

I’m listening to a book called “Sacred Struggle” by Melissa Wei–Tsing Inouye where she says “those who follow Christ will become acquainted with grief.”

I am acquainted. 

But I am not alone in that acquaintance. 

Christ knows.

Heaven is close at times.

I share it with the most beautiful people on this earth….Carter and Candace and Jordan and Jacob.

We forge ahead with faith.

Written October 25, 2023 by Faye

PS – You know how sometimes you have to go back to move forward? This trip was that for us. A trip we didn’t know we needed to make.

My feet have connected with Sybil Road again…the quintessential walking spot in my part of Saint David.

It’s a big deal.

For me.

I’ve been wanting to do that for the 2 years since we’ve been home. And for I don’t know how many years before that. Well…I do know how many years. Almost 10.

The first time, I didn’t walk very far down… but I walked… and felt the significance of being out there again. My friend/neighbor Raquel was with me. It’s partly her fault I was there. I saw on Facebook that she had started walking and I kept getting the nudge to ask her if I could walk with her. The nudge would not leave me…so I messaged her, “I saw that you have been walking. Do you need a walking partner?” 

SHE SAID YES! 😃

We haven’t been able to walk together since that first time. I think she was the blessing I needed to just get out there. Thanks Raquel! 😘

Sibyl Road is amazing when you’re walking on it!

Driving on the road, in my usual hurried state, I don’t notice all the connections I have with God. My series of walks have helped me notice those little beauties of this part of the earth I live on. Slowing down on these walks, helps me notice.

THE SHADE… I drink it in on those late summer mornings.  

I walk by a friend’s home where I know there is struggle and illness… and I whisper a silent prayer for them.

I run into friends I haven’t chatted with in a while. It feels good to connect.

This morning the irrigation ditch was running. I could hear the trickling water sounds a few feet away by the road.

I pass pecan orchards on each walk that have been passed down from father to son…connecting the generations of my husband’s family.

Inspiration for other writings come. I whip out my phone and dictate.

It’s SO NICE to be outside again. Mentally and physically… it feels so good!

It’s a beauty I have missed and I love how it connects me to my Creator.

Bringing more peace and unexpected patience as I wait on this earth for promised connections with Ashton.

Written by Faye

Everything is going to be Ok.

I heard that phrase 5 different times in a series of church meetings I attended recently.

I read…You’re going to be Ok…last week in an email from my nephew who is starting his mission, serving in Central America.

And it’s something I tell others when I feel they need to hear it.

You’re going to be Ok.

I used to “hear” those words from Ashton after he left us.

When I was desperately trying to survive.

“Mom, you’re going to be Ok.”

And I was… and I am.

Whenever I hear it or say it now, I call it, “Quoting Ashton.”

Those words… calm me.

They soothe my heart in doubting times.

Those simple words bring hope.

To quote something I wrote in March of 2017 before leaving for Peru: “He (Ashton) can strengthen when a struggle comes along and I will hear the familiar voice in my mind, ”Mom, you’re going to be OK.” He can still be with us, no matter where we are and what we are doing. Still my son, but now my faithful friend and quiet, calming companion.”

Because of Jesus Christ and trusting in his promises…

I KNOW that I and Ashton and everyone and everything will be Ok. 

Written October 1, 2023 by Faye

Picture: Ashton, age 8 or 9, with Carter and older brother Jordan

My name is Faye. My son Ashton died by suicide on January 28th, 2014. He was 21 years old.

That is what we say at the Suicide Loss Survivors Support Group in Tucson. It’s been 2 years since I’ve been there. The first time I needed to say that, I couldn’t. Carter said it for us. I realized later that I need to say it too, for myself.

It’s a very hard but healing thing to say.

They went to Zoom during the pandemic while we were in New Zealand. One blessing of the pandemic. And a blessing for us to still attend while we were gone.

Every suicide affects me.

When it’s someone I know… it really affects me.

When it’s 3 in 2 months of families that I know and care for… it’s been heavy.

Heavier than I’ve felt in years.

So heavy…it doesn’t leave.

That’s why I’m back speaking those words. With people who hear me. With those who understand the suicide part. With others of this earth who love a beautiful soul like Ashton.

It was good to be there… feeling heard and seen in my grief.

Thanks be to God for hearing and seeing me. I know He knows me. I know Heaven is aware of my struggle.

I haven’t posted for over eighteen months. I just wanted to thank everyone for your love, support and prayers. Even though we are doing pretty well, we continue to strive to grieve with God’s guidance.

One of Jordan’s (Ashton’s older brother) classmates (and her family) attended church meetings recently; she was visiting her parents. As I was putting away chairs in the cultural hall, she came to me and said something like, “I just wanted you to know that, when I heard Ashton had died, my heart was broken for you and your family. I lived a long way away, but I thought of you and prayed for you. This is the first opportunity I’ve had to tell you that in person. I just remember Ashton as Jordan’s little brother. He was quiet, but really funny!” Then she said, “Here’s a hug for Ashton”, and then gave me a long hug.

I don’t know why that was so meaningful for me…but it was…even nine years after Ashton’s death. I really appreciated her allowing God’s comfort to be expressed through her. I thought of what one of our friends said when Ashton died: “A village weeps.” Well…more than a village wept!

I also thought of Alma’s invitation to the people at the waters of Mormon to be “…willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light…and…to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…”

I am so grateful that God helps me carry my burdens, both directly Himself and through sending other ministering angels to help Him. Some of those angels are earthly; others come from the spirit world.

Faye and I did an interview for a podcast about bereavement. The interviewer is Jewish. the title is “A Christian Perspective on Grief by Suicide.” It lasts 36 minutes.

We wanted to make sure you were aware of it. Please feel free to share as you see fit.

https://www.buzzsprout.com/123208/9056634