Carter with Ashton ~ 6 months old

Ashton’s death was by suicide. “It is wrong to take a life, including one’s own. However, a person who commits suicide may not be responsible for his or her acts. Only God can judge such a matter” (see footnote 1).  I know how much I love my son, Ashton. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love him even more than I do. They knew him before he came to this earth. They know everything that led up to his suicide. They know the thoughts and intents of his heart. I trust them in the mercy that They will certainly show to Ashton at the Judgment Day — and have probably already shown him since his death.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). Trust Him. The scripture doesn’t say trust him with the part of my heart that I understand. I need to trust Him with everything I don’t understand, which is a lot for me right now.

One of Ashton’s favorite scriptures was this one from The Book of Mormon 1 Nephi 11:16–17 – “And [the angel] said unto [Nephi]: Knowest thou the condescension of God? And [Nephi] said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” Again, there are MANY things I don’t understand right now.

It’s probably natural to second-guess oneself, “I should have (or shouldn’t have) said/done this or that.” Two comments here: Number one, Ashton’s mind was broken. I feel comfortable saying that everyone that I know of did everything they could to help him see the good in himself. Ashton’s broken mind couldn’t feel or believe those efforts. Number two, second-guessing doesn’t do any good. I can’t change anything that has happened. All I can do is move forward. I may be able to learn and do better, be a better friend, husband, neighbor, father. Ashton’s death has caused Faye and me to reflect on things that are truly important in life. Faye has a sign on our living room wall that says, “The most important things in life…aren’t things.”

How do you talk to parents of a child who died by suicide? I don’t pretend have all the answers or to speak for other parents of suicide victims. However, for me, this is what is helpful — at least at this point: please don’t worry about saying the wrong thing. My son is dead; I don’t think you are going to say anything that will make that worse. I appreciate your saying SOMETHING. “I’m so sorry for your loss” is often enough. Sometimes, “I don’t know what to say” is perfect — because what DO you say to the parents of a suicide victim?! If you feel like you should visit us or write to us or talk to us — do it! Don’t be afraid to say Ashton’s name. Don’t be surprised if we cry. That does NOT mean you said the wrong thing; it more likely means that you said the RIGHT thing which has touched our hearts with memories of Ashton, someone we love beyond our ability to express. Don’t be surprised if we DON’T cry. We may already be cried out at the time.

I’d like to speak to those who might be contemplating suicide or who know someone who is at risk: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide is NEVER the only option left. If you feel like that is your only option, please recognize that that conclusion is not rational and is coming from a “broken mind.” Just as you would get help for a broken bone, please get help immediately from competent professionals with your broken mind. Please be completely honest with them so they can help you.

Through the grace of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, “…broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work, the rest of us (including the one being healed) can help by being merciful, non-judgmental, and kind.” (see footnote 2)

Written by Carter

1. https://www.lds.org/handbook/handbook-2-administering-the-church/selected-church-policies/21.3.8?lang=eng#21.4.14
2. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

That song has been posted on my timeline by a friend. Thanks friend. This surely has been a different than usual Christmas.

I didn’t feel like decorating…but because I DID get so many JOY things given to me…they had to be put up some where…my house got decorated with all your JOY! You should come see my JOY house! Thank you so much!!!!

I didn’t put up lights this year…. but some sweet friends DID put some up for us while we were away one day. We came home to beautiful Christmas lights on our house. Thank you!!

I didn’t do my usual holiday baking this year… but we DID get more than the usual deliveries of Christmas goodies that we were able to share with family who were here.

I didn’t do my usual stocking stuffing this year.  I was ready to, but just forgot because….  I DID get to have 3 week old baby Faye all to myself for 4 hours Christmas Eve night so her momma could get come good uninterrupted sleep. Best distraction ever!!!  Merry Christmas Rubi!

We didn’t have Ashton with us this year, but we DID get to see Jacob’s beautiful face on SKYPE and talk with him for an hour. Heaven!!

I didn’t get to sing in the usual choirs I sing in, but I DID get to feel the absolute blessing of Christ’s birth, life and death as the music I heard filled my being and nourished my heart and soul.

We didn’t do the usual Nativity this year at Christmas Eve with the kids… but we DID sit together as a family and remember Ashton. I felt him with us as we did. I thought there would be more tears, but that calming comfort was there that I have felt before when I feel him near.

No… we didn’t have Ashton with us this year. But because we didn’t, we DID get to hear from so many more people who contacted us many different ways… Joy deliveries, notes in the mail, email, texts and Facebook messages… encouraging us and letting us know we are loved and thought of.

There’s a new sign up over my desk. It says:

“The Lord gave and The Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of The Lord.”
Job 1:21

Yes… it’s been a different kind of Christmas, but a most memorable one. I’ll remember it as my Christmas of JOY! My Christmas where I felt more love from God and my fellow man than ever before. How can I not bless His name?

Written by Faye

Ashton ~ age 4 ~ Whiteriver, Arizona ~ So proud of the presents he lined up!

I’m beginning to understand. I think I understand what it means now. I’ve heard that the holiday season is hard for some people. Well, I think we can be included in those “some people.” As hard as we have tried to gear up for this time, we still have to feel the grief that comes. I understand now. The loss is felt at a heightened level. The Joy and gladness of the season is harder to feel. I have found that I really need to work at it to feel those things. Sometimes it’s just plain hard to feel at times.

You know one thing that has saved me?  The beautiful, nourishing music of Christmas.

The “Up On the Housetop” and “Jingle Bells” are nice and merry, but it’s the real, Christ – centered music of Christmas that has helped me get through each long morning when I’m home, and dreary evening when bedtime can’t come soon enough. My mood is brightened a little when I hear why Christ came and the story of his coming. Right now Josh Groban’s “Ave Maria” and “O Holy Night” are some of my favorites. Different arrangements of “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” are heard in our home. That one is so beautiful! Hearing the Christmas story never gets old this year. The concerts I’ve attended have been a blessing. There’s a lot of Joy in the nourishing music of Christmas. One song that stays in my head right now ends with, “….Jesus is come that we might have Joy.”

The get togethers with family have been a blessing also. They do remind me that Ashton is not with us, but they also remind me that there are many who love me and are aware of how I’m feeling. Those family times also make me aware of those who need MY love and MY acknowledgement of their sadness and loss. I’m not the only one who feels the loss. Somehow… being with those who feel that same loss and share those same tears is a great blessing. Family is a great blessing.

I am grateful for this heightened awareness of my Savior. I’m grateful for this beautiful, nourishing Christmas music. Ashton loved to sing it. I can still hear his deep bass voice and see him singing in the choirs at college. I’ve heard there are choirs in heaven. I hope Ashton gets to sing in them. I’m sure he needs to be nourished now too, just as we do…missing each other this Christmas season.

Written by Faye

Ashton ~ Age 10

I found myself teary the other day as I was driving, thinking of the kindness that has been show to us since our Ashton died.  There are so many good, kind people around us. I realized that these tears were not tears of grief. They were different. They felt different. I starting thinking of tears and the many kinds of tears that come to me.

The tears of that day were of feeling loved and remembered. Grateful for kindness. Those doing the loving and remembering don’t have to, they are choosing to. My heart overflowed and then… so did my eyes. It’s interesting how the eyes overflow… how God made the eyes to be the well where tears are drawn.

“The kindness of others pours healing balm into our own wounds.”
D. Todd Christofferson

I believe that. I have felt that. I need that healing balm right now. I can’t do all the healing on my own.

There are other tears… tears that come when I feel the help and comfort from God. These are also tears of gratitude. Sometimes they are overwhelming. They come from deep within… where I know God’s light is. It comes up and out sometimes when I let it. When I let my soul feel His love for me. Those tears come when I feel His Holy Spirit tell me that I am not alone… that I have help… that I will never be alone.

And… of course…. there are the tears of grief that come on days and times when I feel Ashton’s physical absence. When I realize he will never be with us again in this life. Those tears  come from deep within my heart. The heart that loved him so… the heart that still loves him… the heart that will never stop loving him. It’s the heart that hurts when the tears from intense grief come. Those are the tears that have to come sometimes, even when I’m not ready for them. They come because there is love in this world. That’s what grief really is…it’s our whole being…body and spirit… remembering that we loved and still love. These tears don’t come as often as they used to. Time has been a friend to that.

I cannot write about tears without acknowledging the tears of my husband. He doesn’t cry as often as I do, but when he does… missing his son… it’s heart wrenching. I CAN say, it is a blessing for a marriage to share tears together.

It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Maybe when the soul overflows with emotion, happy or sad, the windows have to open up and let that emotion flood out.

Tears…they come with great happiness and sadness.

God gave them to us for a wise purpose, I’m sure.  Maybe he gives then to us so we can rely on Him more often. Maybe he gives them to us so we will remember that we need Him. I DO need Him. All my tears remind me that I need Him more than ever.

Written by Faye

On December 1st we received a beautiful gift at our door, and we have been receiving, anonymously, a Joy-filled gift at our door each day since. Someone is having great fun! Each day we find something at the door, our hearts melt and a little giggle of glee comes up from inside me at the new gift waiting there for us.

Whoever you are… just know that your efforts are a great blessing to us. Most of the time our hearts skip a beat with the Joy your offering brings, but sometimes… tears come knowing that you are remembering us. Being remembered is heart-melting.

While listening to some Christmas music on Sunday morning an old English carol came on, the Sussex Carol. I’ve never noticed these words before:

“Then why should men on earth be so sad, when our Redeemer made us glad.”

I’m reminded of a card I’ve seen that says:

“He who spreads sunshine cannot keep it from himself.”

Thank you for the Joy and Sunshine…the glad work of our Redeemer… you are sharing with us. We love you!

Written by Faye

Carter’s thoughts: It was especially touching for me on Monday, December 1, to receive a little glass angel with a joy message written on it. Thanksgiving was harder for me than I anticipated — missing Ashton. I probably needed to cry, but couldn’t. When I saw that angel and realized that someone remembered us, the tear floodgates were opened. We cried and hugged each other — and I was amazed at how much better I felt. Thank you — whoever you are — for remembering us! God bless you!

I knew that I would be writing about this sometime soon. I knew it would be coming out of me. As I have been looking for, writing about, and taking pictures of Joy, I’ve had some thoughts in the back of my head that I knew would need to surface. It is now time to let them. It feels right that I should now write about the true Joy, the lasting Joy that can only come through the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ.  It’s the Joy that Ashton was teaching the people in Fiji about. It’s not a trivial thing… and I want to acknowledge that… really… it is the most important of all the Joys that can be found.

Here is an excerpt from an article I read this morning:

“I know that the only lasting Joy and happiness we will ever find during our mortal experience will come by following Jesus Christ, obeying His law, and keeping His commandments.”  L. Tom Perry – December 2014 Ensign

This past Thanksgiving was harder than I expected. I thought I was gearing up for it, but it started as I was preparing food that morning and really hit me as I was driving to my parents house with my contribution of pumpkin and turkey for our meal. I knew Ashton would not be here with us. I knew that. I was ready for that, I thought. But… the grieving has to come sometimes. There are times when… no matter how much I prepare…it comes full force. I thought to my self today… I want to be done with this, I want to get this over with…I’m tired of this. It’s HARD! It’s really HARD!!! I’m tired of being broken, feeling broken. I’m not used to this. Why is this taking so long?  (I’m so impatient.)

I read a lot of things about grieving. I know that everyone grieves differently and on their own timetable. I know that. I also know that God has his own timetable for me. I know there are certain things I need to learn while on this earth.

I also read this, this morning:

“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”       Richard G. Scott

I am willing to wait. I am willing to let this grief journey flow through me at it’s own pace, just for me. I am willing to endure this….for I know my Heavenly Father has wonderful plans for me. I know He wants me to experience that lasting Joy only His Son can offer me. I’m grateful to feel that Joy at times. It brings me Hope for better days to come.

I will continue to look for and take pictures of Joy, the word. It is fun and distracting for me at this time in my life. I need that distraction. But I am looking forward to the time when that lasting Joy will be felt more. Meanwhile… I will work on my impatience and do my best as I continue this earth life with people I love and people who love me. That love we share is evidence of God’s love for me and the lasting Joy he wants for me.

Written by Faye

Does it get any better than this!?  Right now nothing can compare to this little bundle!

This has to be the ultimate bundle of JOY!!

She came today, December 4, 2014 at 4:03am. A Christmas present to the whole family! Rubi’s parents were on Skype from Honduras. Candace and I made it there for the birth. Carter got to go visit her this evening.

Her name?  Now that’s a special one that’s hard for me to let anyone know about, but I will!  Rubi seems to like my name! My old fashioned name. Her name is:

Jordana Faye Mayberry

They will call her Faye. We call her baby Faye.  Makes my heart melt every time I think about it!

Thanks Jordan and Rubi for this sweet granddaughter, this bundle of Joy! Right when I needed her… she came. Joy from heaven!

Maybe Ashton got to be her escort down here… It’s fun to think about anyway.

Written by Faye