Drawing of Ashton by his sister-in-law Rubi.

Ashton died at around 11 am on Tuesday, January 28, 2014. I like to think of that as the time that he became an angel – to help soften the blow when I think of his death. This Wednesday will be the one-year anniversary of “Ashton’s Angel Day.” Faye, Candace, Jordan, Rubi and I all met a couple of weeks ago to discuss how we can best memorialize our beloved son and brother.  Jonathan was watching their children so the rest of us could have a productive discussion. From past experience, the days leading up to an event – Fathers’ Day, for example – have often been more difficult for me than the actual day itself.  I often remind myself that grief is normal and healthy when I’m missing someone I love dearly. However, I think I am also learning some things that are helping me “get through” some of these rough spots.

Maintaining somewhat of a routine is helpful for me. Some of that may be because it gives my brain (and heart) a track to run on. It’s familiar territory that I have covered before – some of the routines I have done many, many times. For example: I get to bed at a reasonable hour so I am rested when the day begins. I study God’s Holy Word in the scriptures. It’s helpful for me to be reminded of eternal truths that are withstanding the test of time and circumstance. The world has changed and will continue to change, but truth is truth; it will not change. It’s re-assuring to me that some things do NOT change. God does not change, nor does truth, which emanates from Him. I push my body with a strenuous physical workout. This is therapeutic for me as I give my body the exercise it needs and deserves. I eat a healthy breakfast, nourishing my body with the “premium” fuel it also needs and deserves. I chat in prayer with my loving Father in Heaven. I thank Him for His bounteous blessings. I tell Him about things that are important to me. I strive to sense from Him what He wants me to feel is truly important. I can tell Him anything and ask Him for anything, realizing that He knows what’s in my best interest. Faye and I read a few verses in the scriptures together and pray together. Sometimes we will sing a children’s hymn together – a reminder that God loves little children and that He wants us to be humble and submissive to Him – like little children are.

This Wednesday, we will kneel in prayer as a family at around 11 am, about the time Ashton became an angel a year ago. We want to thank Heavenly Father for the gift of Ashton’s life and for memories with him. We will ask Him to watch over Ashton and remind Ashton that we love him. We know that God loves Ashton; we will ask God to remind Ashton (and us) of His love for Ashton.  We are grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which heals all wounds and will make up for the injustices of life – including Ashton’s “broken mind” that led to his suicide.

We plan on making some goodies and delivering them to others who have lost a child. By thinking of others’ needs on a day when we will be grieving ourselves, we hope to lift their spirits and ours. If you have lost a child and we didn’t deliver goodies to you, we either didn’t know or forgot or became overwhelmed in our grief. Please forgive us.

Originally, we planned on NOT being home on Ashton’s Angel Day. However, we then realized that our grandchildren are grieving Ashton’s death, also; we wanted to include them in this memorial.  I have Wednesdays off already. Jonathan will take off work. Jordan, Hannah, David and Carter will take the day off school – so we can all be together. Grandma and Grandpa Richardson will be here, also. I hope Ashton will be here as our “guardian angel” to help comfort us. We will eat Baconators at Wendy’s; they were Ashton’s favorite fast food. Four days before Ashton died, he insisted on going into Walmart and buying some foam swords and the Candy Land board game for his nieces and nephews. On Ashton’s Angel Day, we hope to play with some of the last gifts he gave in mortality.

We are grateful for all of you who have been performing service as a way to remember Ashton. Thanks for being “Angels for Ashton”! Thanks for all of you who are remembering Ashton and reminding us that you remember him! God bless you! As I am filled with love and gratitude for each of you, I wonder if it is a small reminder to me of how God, our Father, might feel as we remember His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ?

Written by Carter

A Facebook event was created by Faye’s sister, Martha Bigler, to honor the day Ashton Mayberry became an Angel.

On January 28th, we would like to invite any and all people to join us in doing small acts of anonymous service in Ashton’s name. Examples of things you can do: pay for someone’s meal behind you in the lunch line/drive-thru, leave an envelope of money for someone in need, leave a nice note to lift someone else, send an anonymous bouquet of flowers, or any kind act of service you see needed or feel inspired to do! Coming soon, we will have a printable page of small note cards so you can leave one when you perform your act of kindness. We know that wherever we are, whatever we do, together our small acts of service can make a difference in a big way. We can’t think of a better way to honor Ashton on this special day. We hope you will join us, and please spread the word! Don’t forget to include all family members in your service. (Children often have the best “angelic” ideas!)

Thank you for being an Angel for Ashton!

Here’s the link to the Facebook event: Angels for Ashton

https://www.facebook.com/events/1514867202135189/1519975288291047/?notif_t=plan_mall_activity

Carter with baby Ashton ~ 9 months old

Thanksgiving this year was emotionally difficult for me: as the family gathered, I especially missed Ashton! I had several sobbing sessions. Because of how difficult that was, I made some plans to help me get through Christmas. Christmas wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be. Here are some things I think were helpful:

• I asked for some of my church “brothers” to pray for me. Their love and support provided a tangible lifting of my burden. I sent them an email thanking them for honoring the covenant – or promise – they made to God when they were baptized to “…bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light” (see footnote 1). I know there were many others who prayed for us and had us in their hearts. Thank you to our Facebook and Twitter followers and blog readers who are among those who prayed for us! We feel it! We need it! Please keep the prayers coming!
• I wanted to keep my mind, heart and hands busy – especially with things that would take my thoughts off myself and onto the needs of others. For example:
  • I joined some friends in singing Christmas carols at a local nursing home the afternoon of Christmas Eve.
  • Dr. Mayberry took the day off for Christmas, but Carter Mayberry visited the two patients in Benson Hospital. They were being followed by another physician for their medical needs, but I told them I was just visiting them as another human being. I happened to get there just before “Santa and Mrs. Claus” made their visits; their being there also cheered me!
  • I delivered some goodies to some widows and other friends in the community. I had a nice, brief visit with each of them at the door.
  • Having a routine is extremely helpful for me: I got to bed early, got up early Christmas morning, had a nice vigorous workout, ate a healthy breakfast, then shoveled some decorative rock (donated by a friend) into the back of the truck. That was a major workout! As I shoveled, I said aloud, “Ashton, I’m not angry with you. I know you did your best.” I humbly acknowledge Christ’s grace – His enabling power – which helps me “…be who [I need] to be and serve beyond [my] own capacity” (see footnote 2).
  • On Christmas afternoon, we went as a family and put the rock onto Ashton’s grave. It looks nice! Our granddaughter topped it off with a pretty, white flower!
• Christmas music was uplifting.
• Remembering the REAL reason for Christmas – Jesus Christ – was helpful.
• I re-memorized “The Living Christ, The Testimony of the [Living] Apostles” (see footnote 3). Wow! What powerful – and inspired – and inspiring – words they are! Memorizing them drives them deep into my heart!
• I received several texts Christmas morning letting me know that the sender was thinking of me. That meant SO much! God bless those good people for lifting me like that!
• We had a nice Christmas meal with my wife’s parents, with our daughter and son-in-law and their children and with our son and daughter-in-law and their newborn baby.
• Skyping with our son who is serving a mission in Spokane, Washington was an indescribably beautiful and peaceful experience! He looks SO good and happy and blessed and…and…(I can’t think of enough adjectives). I’m glad he’s where he is doing what he’s doing right now. He and our family are being blessed through his service. I don’t know exactly what Ashton is doing right now, but I like to think that part of his duties include helping his brother on his mission!
• The Saturday after Christmas, I relaxed with our daughter-in-law by putting a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle (a Christmas present) together that has 9 kitties on it. She LOVES kitties!
• Our son, his wife and their newborn baby stayed with us all week. It was sweet having a baby in the house again. It was even better that I didn’t have to get up with her in the middle of the night!
• My office staff gave me gift certificates to Barnes and Nobles Booksellers. For me, part of the experience is spending time in the bookstore: I inherited from my mother the LOVE of books! I loved browsing through all the different books. I have a difficult time making myself sit down and read a book, so I tend to “read” my books by listening to them as I drive. I felt drawn to two particular books on CD that seem appropriate to this season of grief: “Sometimes You Win – Sometimes You Learn: Life’s Greatest Lessons are Gained from Our Losses,” by John C. Maxwell (see footnote 4) and “The Gift of Adversity: The Unexpected Benefits of Life’s Difficulties, Setbacks, and Imperfections” (see footnote 5) by Norman E. Rosenthal, M.D. As I listen to them, I may gain some insights that I will share in future posts.

In conclusion, I’m grateful for the many ways that my burden of grief was made lighter during this holiday season. I humbly acknowledge my thoughtful friends and family members who helped. Most importantly, I humbly acknowledge the grace of God, through His Son, Jesus Christ, who paid the price for my sins, but also for my sorrows and personal suffering. “God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son!” (see footnote 6)

Footnote 1: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/18?lang=eng

Footnote 2: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/the-sacrament-a-renewal-for-the-soul?lang=eng

Footnote 3: http://jesuschrist.lds.org/testimonies-of-him/articles/the-living-christ-the-testimony-of-the-apostles-of-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints?&lang=eng

Footnote 4: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/sometimes-you-win-sometimes-you-learn-john-c-maxwell/1114319367?ean=9781599953694

Footnote 5: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-gift-of-adversity-norman-e-rosenthal-md/1113858318?ean=9780399168857

Footnote 6: http://jesuschrist.lds.org/testimonies-of-him/articles/the-living-christ-the-testimony-of-the-apostles-of-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints?&lang=eng

Ashton ~ 2 years old with baby brother, Jacob.

This past Christmas season, as December’s days crept up to the 25th, I found myself wanting to hide. I didn’t realize I was doing it at the time, but looking back, I see now that I was. Maybe it’s called something different. Maybe it’s normal for grieving. Maybe other grieving souls do it too. Maybe it comes when the grief is at its peak. Maybe it’s dreading the season when families come together and children come home for Christmas break.

I say I wanted to hide. I didn’t do it often, but as the days got closer to Christmas, I just wanted to stay home in my comfortable place — and I did sometimes. We had some things planned to do together on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day that Carter went to without me.  I couldn’t go and pretend. Sometimes I just can’t do that. Pretending I’m fine is difficult and stressful sometimes.

Most of the time I want the whole world to know that our Ashton died. But there are times when I wish nobody knew and I could go shopping or walk in the post office or to church and be the person I used to be a year ago… just me… with no suicide in my past… no child buried… and no stamp on my forehead that says: Broken.

I know this broken-ness is a temporary thing. I will feel mended and remodeled and useful again someday. That broken term will not fit anymore. I don’t want to dwell on the term, but sometimes it’s the only way I can describe myself. It fits for now. Surely my heart will grow out of that size and burst at the seams with new growth, new life and light. I believe it will. God has plans for me beyond this difficult season. I do believe He does.

Over this last year, I have read and people have reminded me to be gentle with myself. I wasn’t sure how to do that, but I think I know now what that means. Sometimes, I’m not able to do all that I usually do, like at Christmas time. I couldn’t physically and emotionally do everything. Sometimes things take too much energy and brain power. My brain couldn’t multitask and do all that needed to be done. I knew that and could feel it. I had to scale back the holiday duties I expected of myself and be gentle with me. My family handled it well. They were gentle with me also.

This makes me remember how my Heavenly Father is gentle with me. I’ve never felt chastised by Him. I’ve never felt that He was disappointed with me. I believe He is a positive guy. I believe He cheers at every good thing I accomplish and wants to help when I’m not doing my best.

I found this quote that fits right now:

“Note to Self: I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment and that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.”

The one year anniversary of Ashton’s death is looming, January 28th. Perhaps that gentleness will need to continue.

Written by Faye