This post is for those who are grieving…. or if you have a family member or friend who is grieving, this is also for you if you would like to understand those who are grieving during the holidays.

The title of this post is not my own. It came from a book I am reading called, “Through the Eyes of a Lion” by Pastor Levi Lusko. He and his wife lost their 5 year old daughter. I have learned from his writings. The “Hurting With Hope Still Hurts” phrase rings so true with me!

I’m still learning this grief thing. I’m still learning that grief comes when I least expect it. I’m still learning that I have a lot to learn about grief. This is my second holiday season closer to Ashton. I thought…. hoped…. that this time would be a little better.

Nope. Not even.

I just read some articles by Rhonda O’Neill that sparked the writing of this blog post. She writes about grief.  Her first article is what I have felt this past few weeks. Instead of trying to reformulate her words, I will post the links to the articles. They have been so helpful for me and have validated my feelings during this holiday time. Her writings have helped me realize that I am not crazy…. I’m grieving, and I am going to be OK again.

Getting Through the Fog of Grief during the Holidays

Recovering our Broken Hearts after the Holidays

I wrote this in my journal on Christmas day:

“Hurting With Hope Still Hurts! Those who say that time heals all wounds are wrong…. at least so far. Today, I missed Ashton terribly! I know that the Atonement takes away the sting of death. I know that some day I will understand everything about Heavenly Father’s plan for me and for Ashton. I know that Ashton is not hurting anymore and is happy. I know all that… but I’m still left here on earth without him and sometimes I have to  acknowledge that Ashton’s death and the hole that is gaping in our family IS. REALLY. HARD. Christmas day is supposed to be a wonderful day of celebration! I really tried!”

On this last Christmas day I learned something. I learned that I need to acknowledge my grief, even when it’s unexpected. I can’t suppress it. It won’t just go away. I have to go somewhere….  some place where I can be alone and cry it all out. I can’t get over it or around it, I have to let my self go through it.

I want to add that we had a sweet little distraction at our house for Christmas. This little one year old!! She added so much happiness to our Christmas holiday! Of course, she brought her mom and dad and her uncle Jacob was there too. We got to visit Candace’s family in Sierra Vista also. Grandchildren just make life sweet!

I hope those articles are helpful…. for those who are grieving…. and for those who love them.

Written by Faye

The most upbeat man I have ever met!

From December 10-23, we traveled throughout our son, Jacob’s, mission. His two-year mission was to invite people to come unto Christ in the Spokane, Washington area. He returned home in August, but it was just a week before school started, so there wasn’t time then to travel with him. We decided to go on his Christmas break. Jacob served in Medical Lake, Washington for 4.5 months; then Post Falls, Idaho for 3 months; then Bonner’s Ferry for 6 months; then Spokane Valley for the last 12 months.

It’s hard to express how healing it was for me to go with Jacob to meet the people he met and taught and learned to love. Jacob was on his mission when Ashton died. On that day, we spoke by phone for about 90 minutes. We cried together and prayed together. We could have had him come home, but we all felt like he should stay and continue to serve. We felt like that was what God wanted him to do. We all felt like that’s what Ashton would have wanted him to do, also.

By going with Jacob to his mission, we were able to tell the people there “thank you” face-to-face for watching over Jacob while he was not physically with us. One of the ladies he taught has a teen-age son. She told us, “As another mother, I want you to know that your son was watched over and loved while he was away from you.” I can’t tell you what comfort that brought to me. I knew that was happening, but it was healing to see and talk to and hug and thank the people who were angels watching over our son.

In Bonner’s Ferry, I think I met the most upbeat man I have ever known. Within minutes, he captured my heart as he told joke after joke. When he asked about each of our children, we of course included Ashton and mentioned that he had passed away from suicide almost two years ago. His response was “Grand Coolee! That’s the biggest ‘dam’ I can think of!” What a fitting response! He then taught me about “The Law of Investments” as it relates to one reason why it hurts so much to lose a child: parents have invested so much of their time and love to raising their children. Losing one of those children through death causes immeasurable pain.

During our travels, we saw some stunning scenery and beautiful wildlife. We ate some delectable food. We had some nice visits with each other as we drove.

I must confess that Christmas Day was hard for me: I missed my son, Ashton! As we drove to visit Candace and her family in Sierra Vista, we listened to “Lamb of God” by Rob Gardner. My heart was especially tender as I remembered that Christ is acquainted with my grief and carries my sorrows. Because of Him, I will see Ashton again in his resurrected, flawless body, without the limitations of his “broken mind.” I can’t adequately describe what comfort that brings to a grieving father!

Written by Carter

Ashton ~ 2 years old , holding newborn baby brother, Jacob.

Concentrate On The Baby…. I heard this somewhere, from someone, at the beginning of December. It sunk deep, and it has been on my heart and mind ever since. I wish I could remember where I heard it so I can give the proper credit.

I have concentrated on that baby… the baby of Christmas…  and it has been a blessing for me.

I have seen that baby, lying in his manger in the nativities of Christmas. I take a deep breath and remember.

I notice the newborns around me while shopping, at church, at family gatherings and remember that newborn Son.

I hear the music and singing all around me, especially at church today and I take note of how much that baby and His birth is included in the beautiful music of Christmas.

I heard someone mention today about swaddling. She compared the swaddling of the baby Jesus to how Christ’s love swaddles us so we can feel the HOPE we need to feel. When anyone talks about HOPE, I listen.

That Christmas day is almost here, that baby’s celebrated birthday. I remember, as a child, my mother would make a birthday cake on Christmas Eve for the baby Jesus with one candle on it. Children understand and remember birthdays and birthday cakes. It is a tradition I remember fondly.

My sister, Martha, sent us a song by Nichole Nordeman entitled, “Real”, as I was in the middle of this writing. Please listen HERE.  It will touch your heart.

In my sisters words, “Jesus Christ is not a mystery or myth.” That baby was real. “His story is real and it changes everything.”

He is the ultimate source of HOPE and He is why I can keep going.

Concentrate On The Baby…. it will change you. It has deeply blessed me this Christmas season.

Please…. Have A Blessed, Merry Christmas!

Written by Faye

This week was one of many emotions. Faye and I left Monday evening, hoping to attend Danny DeWitt’s viewing. We left later than we’d hoped and traffic was at a standstill on the freeway for about half hour – so we didn’t make it. We stayed in a hotel in Mesa, then attended his funeral Tuesday morning. I hugged Danny’s widow, Lisa, and each of their five beautiful/handsome children. I showed them the “business card” Danny had written on when we were companions.

After the funeral, I showed Lisa the white shirt I wore when the members in San Cristobal, Venezuela surprised me with a farewell party. One of their traditions was to cut the missionary’s tie and write “Have a good trip!” and “Don’t forget us!” type of messages on the shirt. Danny wrote two messages on the shirt.

The funeral was healing for me. I was able to remember with fondness the good times Danny and I had together as missionaries. We were able to spend a few occasions together after the mission, also. His funeral was well-attended, as suicide funerals often are. I’ve thought about why that is: Is it because the attendees put themselves in the place of the survivors and imagine how much grief and pain they must be feeling at that time – and they want to be there to support them? Is it because the attendees are trying to imagine how it might feel to be THAT despondent and hopeless – to take one’s own life? Are attendees looking for healing and understanding and hope themselves in such a bleak situation?

A few comments made in the funeral struck me: one of the speakers asked (paraphrasing), “What can we learn from Danny’s suicide?” I haven’t been in touch with Danny enough to know the “backstory,” but, when we were companions, pound-for-pound, he was probably the physically strongest person I had ever known. I wonder if his physical strength worked against him in dealing with his emotional setbacks? Was he so accustomed to overpowering and “fixing” things that he thought he could do that with his emotional challenges, also – whatever they were? That “manly” approach to emotional challenges just doesn’t work. Was he so accustomed to “fixing” things that he would not allow others to help him when he felt down? A couple of comments were made that ”…he’s not in pain anymore…” Was this emotional pain? Physical pain? Both? I don’t really need answers to these questions; just processing is all.

Mention was made in the funeral that one of Danny’s older brothers also took his own life several years ago. I wonder what effect that had on Danny? The risk of suicide increases in patients with a family history of suicide.[1] One of my paternal cousin’s sons took his life about three years before Ashton took his. Mental illness runs in my mother’s side of the family; the “genetic link” may not fit these two suicides in my family.

“Forgiveness” was also mentioned in the funeral. I don’t know what that refers to in Danny’s life, but I am more impressed the longer I live with the importance of forgiveness. Today I am fasting (going without food or water for 24 hours – as best as I can) for help from God in acknowledging whom I need to forgive. Several names and faces came to mind. I’m reminded of what a beautiful gift the Atonement is in helping me to forgive those around me for large and small irritations in my life!

Another missionary who served with Danny was visiting Phoenix on business the day before Danny’s death. He had 10-15 minutes to spare in catching his flight and decided to pay Danny a brief visit. When he found out about Danny’s suicide, he was berating himself that he couldn’t pick that up while he was there. I tried as best I could to comfort him and have prayed that he would have peace. It’s quite possible that nobody but Danny and God knew that Danny was going to take his own life; Danny may have wanted it that way – so he wouldn’t be stopped from doing so.

Faye and I went to the cemetery, where Danny’s son dedicated the grave as the final resting place for Danny’s body; Danny’s son had come home from his mission for the funeral. He is in the middle in the photo above, still wearing his missionary name tag. I saw Danny’s oldest brother talking to Danny’s son before dedicating the grave. It made me smile to wonder if he was assuming his rightful role as “patriarch” in the extended family by “coaching” the son on how to dedicate a grave?

Written by Carter

Endnote:

[1]TITLE: Suicide following the death of a sibling: a nationwide follow-up study from Sweden.

AUTHORS: Rostila M, Saarela J, Kawachi I

SOURCE: BMJ Open. 2013;3(4)

OBJECTIVES: The death of a sibling can trigger grief and depression. Sibling deaths from external causes may be particularly detrimental, since they are often sudden. We aimed to examine the association between the death of an adult sibling from external causes and the risk of suicide among surviving siblings up to 18 years after bereavement. We adjusted for intrafamily correlation in death risks, which might occur because of shared genetics and shared early-life experiences of siblings in the same family.

DESIGN: A follow-up study between 1981 and 2002 based on the total population.

SETTING: Sweden.

PARTICIPANTS: Swedes aged 25-64 years (n=1 748 069).

PRIMARY AND SECONDARY OUTCOME MEASURES: Suicide from the Swedish cause of death register.

RESULTS: An increased risk of mortality from suicide was found among persons who had experienced the death of a sibling. In women, the suicide risk was 1.55 times that of non-bereaved persons (95% CI 0.99 to 2.44), and in men it was 1.28 times higher (95% CI 0.93 to 1.77). If one sibling committed suicide, the risk of the remaining sibling also committing suicide was 3.19 (95% CI 1.23 to 8.25) among women and 2.44 (95% CI 1.34 to 4.45) among men. Associations with other main causes of death-such as external other than suicide, cardiovascular diseases or cancer-were generally much smaller and statistically not significant in either sex. We found no clear support for a specific time pattern according to time since a sibling’s death.

CONCLUSIONS: Our study provided evidence for suicide risk associated with the death of a sibling at adult age, revealing that bereaved persons’ risk of suicide is higher when siblings die from suicide, even when adjusting for intrafamily correlation in death risks.