Jordan & Rubi’s wedding at the Honduras Temple.

Wow! This is hard to re-read! Here I go:

For about two weeks after Ashton came home from his mission, he was able to talk about his experience in Fiji and some of his thoughts and feelings. He and his older brother, Jordan, are good friends. A few nights after Ashton came home, Jordan felt like Ashton was willing to talk. He told Jordan that, when he was on his way home from Fiji, he flew into the Suva airport. When he arrived there, “everybody” already knew what a bad person he was. On his first Sunday home, he told Jordan that the speakers and teachers in Church meetings were making comments directed specifically at him. Jordan asked him if he (Jordan) had made any comments specifically directed at Ashton. Ashton responded that yes, a comment Jordan made in one of the classes was directed at Ashton. Jordan tried to point out that Ashton’s thoughts – that “nobody” liked him and that “everyone” was talking about him – were not real. Ashton’s personality was one of being quietly stubborn — even before he became mentally ill. As a result, Jordan’s attempts to influence Ashton’s delusions (see Footnote 1) were not successful. After that, Ashton quit talking about how he felt (for the most part). However, I’m fairly certain that his own mind didn’t quit talking to him, feeding him ideas of his own worthlessness. He would spend hours reading books, playing computer games, watching movies, reading statistics about University of Arizona sports, etc. I think he was trying to quiet down the “noise” in his mind. He was able to work for short periods of time: he did some construction for my cousin, Zack; helped Grandpa Mayberry and Uncle Young with pecan harvest; and accompanied Grandpa Richardson on a trip to Yuma the day before he died. He wasn’t able to work full time; the anxiety and delusions were too exhausting and disabling for him.

Ashton traveled from Fiji to Los Angeles with a retired male nurse who was completing his mission and returning to Utah. I flew from Tucson to LA to meet them and fly home with Ashton. He seemed quiet and maybe ashamed that he was coming home early. I tried to talk to him several times, but his responses were always very brief; he didn’t seem to want to talk at that time, so I didn’t push it. Traditionally, our extended family will often be at the airport to welcome returning missionaries home. Ashton asked that it just be immediate family. My dad was going to come, but, because of miscommunication, missed his ride to get there. Candace made a “Welcome Home, Elder Mayberry” sign, written in Fijian. Should friends and family have “insisted” and gone to the airport anyway — so Ashton would know they thought he had completed his mission honorably and fully? I don’t think it would have made a difference to Ashton’s “broken mind.”

Speaking of Ashton’s “broken mind,” I think Ashton thought we (his parents) were disappointed in him. When we would tell him that we loved him and were proud of him, I think his broken mind told him, “That’s what parents say. They don’t really think that.” Or, he may have thought, “If they knew what a bad and worthless person I was, they wouldn’t feel that way.” Delusional: logically absurd, no supporting evidence — but nonetheless very real in his mind.

When I learned that Ashton would be coming home from his mission, I immediately called a medical school classmate of mine who is an excellent psychiatrist and also a member of our church. He agreed to see Ashton the day after he came home. He saw Ashton regularly and tried him on five different antidepressants, none of which helped him. Ashton also started seeing a counselor. I would ask Ashton periodically if he was suicidal and he would always say “no.” I’m sure that these two professionals would also ask him this question.

Ashton’s cousin suffered from severe depression. He didn’t want to take medications, and discovered a treatment called ThetaChamber (see Footnote 2); he spent 21 days undergoing those treatments and seemed to be doing much better. We talked to Ashton about going; that was to be our next hoped-for step with him – but he was not ready. He was the one who had to make that decision to go.

Faye uses essential oils for various ailments. For many people, it helps with mental illness. She attended a workshop to learn how to use essential oils for emotional and mental health issues. A blend used for anxiety was the only thing that helped a little; it helped him to stay at church longer. He really wanted to go to church. Towards the end, his anxiety was too overwhelming and even that blend did not help.

Jordan married Rubi Ponce in the Tegucigalpa, Honduras Temple in September 2013. Ashton accompanied us on the wedding trip. He was very quiet. I could tell he was anxious. Rubi’s mother is sensitive and asked if he was OK. We told her that he was suffering from anxiety and depression. Ashton attended the civil marriage ceremony at Rubi’s church, the temple sealing (marriage that would continue after this lifetime, rather than “till death do you part”), and the reception at a nearby resort. He even danced a few times — when Rubi’s friends and cousins would ask him. However, he declined having dinner at Rubi’s parent’s house the day before we left. I think all the social interactions had exhausted him.

On the Thanksgiving after Ashton came home, his cousin, Greyson, invited him over to play games. He and Greyson were good buddies before Ashton’s mission; he could have spent all day — and all night — playing games with Greyson. However, the anxiety and delusions were apparently too overwhelming for Ashton to do something he normally would have loved to do. Faye’s family had a Thanksgiving get-together at her sister’s house. Ashton didn’t want to go — again because of anxiety and delusions. I was sick that day, so stayed home. Ashton and I had a simple meal together, visiting intermittently throughout the day. I’m thankful I was able to spend that day with him.

On the New Year’s Eve before he died, we got together at Faye’s parents’ house. Several of Faye’s family members were there. I observed a conversation between two of Faye’s brothers-in-law and Jordan about something silly (Spongebob Squarepants or Napoleon Dynamite, etc) that Ashton normally would have been participating in and joining in the laughter. Instead, Ashton sat there, looking ahead, not participating or laughing. He was barefoot and curling his big toe over his second toe; it appeared he was anxious being in that group.

On the Sunday before Ashton died, we went to Candace’s house to celebrate her husband, Jonathan’s, birthday. Again, the crowd of people and the questions about what his plans were (in casual conversation) were too much for Ashton. He went into one of the bedrooms and laid on the floor with the lights out.

To be continued…Next post will be Wednesday, April 15.

Footnotes:

1. http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/156888/delusion. This reference goes on to say that delusions. “…vary in intensity, extent, and coherence and may represent pathological exaggeration of normal tendencies to rationalization, wishful thinking, and the like. Among the most common are delusions of persecution and grandeur; others include delusions of bodily functioning, guilt, love, and control.
2. http://www.thetawellnesscenter.com

Written by Carter