Carter at the head of Ashton’s casket ~  St. David cemetery with Bishop Hancock and numerous family members

To be clear on this post (especially): my primary intended audience is…me. I’m trying to remind myself of things that I know to be true. If some of you might benefit from these thoughts, all the better. As with all posts, if this is not useful, please set it aside; perhaps there are other posts that you might find helpful.

Some of you may be familiar with the Pioneers from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) who crossed the Great Plains of what would become part of the United States on foot, horseback, wagons and handcarts between 1847-1869. About 70,000 men, women and children made this 1000-mile trek before the First Transcontinental Railroad was completed in 1869. Some of these people were very poor, but very much wanted to join others who shared their religious conviction in Utah and surrounding states. To save expense and thus allow as many as possible make that journey, handcarts were used to carry the very bare essentials for a family (see photo below). Two ill-fated handcart companies (groups) made the journey in 1856: the Willie and Martin handcart companies. They left late in the season and were caught by severe winter storms in the high plains of Wyoming. A miraculous and monumental rescue effort was sent from Salt Lake City. Nevertheless, many of those in the handcart companies died of exposure, exhaustion and starvation. Many of those who survived were left with permanent effects from frostbite.

Many years later, there was a discussion in a Sunday School class that included criticism of the Church leaders for allowing those handcart companies to leave so late in the season. An older class member stood and, with emotion, said that he was a member of the Martin Handcart Company. He also said the following:

“We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? …

“I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, ‘I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.’”

He continues: “I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.” (“Refined in Our Trials”)

My point is NOT “Look how strong WE are.” My point is “Look how GOOD God is!” I have been reminded that God is in charge. He loves me. He has sent help to strengthen me.

This life is MEANT to be hard. This life is a test. The trials I experience can serve to humble me — if I let them — so I turn to God for guidance, comfort and strength.

Even Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten Son of God — the Only Perfect Being to walk the earth — learned through His suffering, “Though he were a son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered;” (Hebrews 5:8).

God commanded Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son, Isaac — in symbolism for God, the Father, sacrificing His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ. God knew how Abraham would respond to his challenge. But Abraham didn’t. Abraham had to show Abraham how Abraham would respond. By being obedient to God’s commandment, Abraham demonstrated his faith and obedience. As God had pre-determined, Abraham was stopped by an angel as he was about to sacrifice his son; a ram was provided instead. Abraham had passed the test. Because of his faithfulness, he and his posterity were promised many blessings — too many to enumerate here. (see Bible Dictionary reference).

The Apostle Paul taught the saints in ancient Rome about tribulation. I will personalize and apply this to myself by changing “we,” “our” and “us” to “I,” “my” and “me”: “…[I ] glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in [my heart] by the Holy Ghost which is given unto [me].” Romans 5:3

With humility, I acknowledge God’s loving and strengthening hand since Ashton’s suicide. His suicide has been indescribably difficult for me — but it has driven me to my knees, pleading for guidance and comfort. Through experiences too personal and sacred to share, I know that God lives, that He loves me, that He loves and has mercy upon Ashton.

On this Father’s Day, am I sorry to be Ashton’s father? No! Would I have chosen to have him end his own life through suicide? Of course not. However, I trust God. I believe in His Perfect Plan with all my heart. I don’t know EXACTLY how God is dealing with Ashton’s suicide, but, again, I trust Him. Things will work out. The price I am paying to become acquainted with God …through my trials…is a privilege to pay.

Written by Carter