Carter walked in this morning, returning from the gym, and said to me, “You’re home. It’s nice to have you home again.” I was in the kitchen fixing breakfast. I thought…Well, yes, I do live here. I’m usually home at 6:30 in the morning. I knew what he meant though.

Where have I been if I haven’t been home?

I’ve just been existing, trying to survive. We both have. We’ve been doing the bare minimum to keep our lives going. We’ve been living on Nico’s burritos, Wendy’s salads, Mom’s soup and anything we could scrounge up.

It will be 7 months on the 28th of August since Ashton died. I must be coming out of the deep, debilitating grief I’ve been in. We both are feeling better. We are functioning much better. We feel almost normal for us. Almost. Maybe we’ve found that new normal someone told me about.

God has been so good to us. I know he is strengthening us so that this burden does not feel so heavy.

I have learned some new ways to cope, to help the healing. I’ve learned about affirmations. Here are some of mine:

My Faith is Stronger Than My Fear
My Will is in Alignment With God’s Will
I Let Go of the Fear of Other Peoples Judgement
My Heavenly Father Knows, Loves, and Cherishes Me

I listen to these and many more during the day and at night before I go to bed. I’m starting to believe them.

Thanks, Carter…It IS nice to be home with you.

Another “guest post” by my wife, Faye Richardson Mayberry. If you find this helpful, please “like” it. We’d like as many to benefit from what we are learning as possible. Feel free to share with whomever you wish.

The Reason For The World

After Ashton died, I started wondering about a lot of things. One being… just what are we here on this earth for? Did God really send me here to experience THIS?!!!

I thought I knew all the Sunday School answers to those questions…..Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where are we going? I thought I felt comfortable with the answers I’ve been given, but I wanted to be sure. I started reading about the creation of the earth and about Christ’s life. It felt good to be reminded of the energy and intention that my Heavenly Father put into the creation of this earth I live on.

My sister sent me a song that has given me great comfort on this issue. It speaks to me about why we are here. It’s called, ” The Reason For The World” by Matthew West. I found it on YouTube. There is also a version by Mercy River on iTunes that is my favorite. The chorus is what really speaks to my heart:

Maybe the reason for the pain is so that we can pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world is to make us long for home

Go listen…I love it even better put to music.

A wise friend told me: “The earth is not our home, it is our school.” I’m starting to believe that now. Am I passing my exams?

Another “guest post” by my wife, Faye Richardson Mayberry:

Got a phone call last night from a nephew, Ashton’s cousin, who was calling to check up on us. I told him, “I like being checked up on”. That guy is in the middle of his medical residency. He has a sweet wife and young family of 3 children with one on the way. While we were talking, one of his children would scream periodically in the background… happy scream!  He never flinched…never shushed the child…just kept checking up on me.  I just smiled… I’ve been there with children on the phone. He’s so patient. They had just returned from a vacation. He’s a busy guy… yet he took the time to give us a call.  A telephone call. He wanted to talk. He really wanted to know. Altogether, we talked about 20 minutes.

How did I feel after we hung up? How did I feel after being checked up on?

LOVED!!!

Thanks for checking up on us Phil… love you too.

Another “guest post” by my wife, Faye Richardson Mayberry

Solace. I saw that word today. It intrigues me. It’s not one we use every day. It’s not a word I hear about often. I do remember hearing it in a hymn we sing at church.

“Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace, when other sources cease to make me whole?”.

It’s not something we want to HAVE to find, because it will take going through some HARD things for us to want to seek after it. Maybe that’s why it intrigues me now.

Just looked it up:

Solace – 1 : Alleviation of grief or anxiety 2 : A source of relief or consolation

Relief…my eyes linger on the word…thinking of Ashton…knowing he was looking for that. I really don’t believe he was trying to end his life. He was too gentle of a soul for that.  I believe he was looking for a release from the misery in his head that he couldn’t tell anyone about.

Turns out… our searches are similar, his and mine.

His broken mind wouldn’t let him feel the love God has for him. He couldn’t find that relief here. I do think he has found it now. Not in the way I thought it would come…but I believe he now knows how much we ALL loved him.

“Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.”

My son’s life was too short, his death came too soon. But, I am so blessed to know that I can find my solace in the life and death of Jesus Christ… though sometimes in my grief I forget.