Hannah-8 Clara-2 Carter-3 David-5
September 2013

I had a sweet little friend with me today.  My 4 year old grandson. My little Carter Boy! Yes, he’s named after his grandpa. It was nice to have a child around this house again. I miss those mothering days with children around. They were sometimes hard, but they were sweet and good too. They felt right to me. All I’ve ever wanted to do in this life is be a wife and mother. I wish I were more ambitious, but I’m just me. I can only be who I am. When Ashton died, not only did I lose my son, but I became an empty nester too.

A few weeks after Ashton died, I remember being at my parents house, eating dinner and thinking there was a child I needed to be helping. My children are all in their 20’s. I really missed Ashton then.

The quiet is nice sometimes. The quiet is hard sometimes. The quiet is too quiet sometimes. I do have things that I do and places I go, but this is still my home and I like to be here. Most of the time I’m fine,  but sometimes, like now… after a fun day with little Carter… I think about the days with children here…even big children….and it’s hard.

I know that every mother must go through this transition… this change from full time mothering to less and less mothering, and then to mothering from a distance with children who are making their own way in the world. We need to give them their independence. We need to let them learn and grow. We need to stand back and let the mothering be different than when they were in our home. It’s a challenge to find that balance.

It’s different when a child dies. There’s not the usual transition. It happened and it’s final. There’s still a transition, it’s just different.

The hard days are getting further and further apart, but they are still here. Today was not a hard day. It was a really fun day with my little Punky boy. We had so much fun together. I fixed him scrambled eggs and ramen noodles. We bought Spider Man underwear. He scanned them himself, along with the blue Push Pop at the self checkout in Walmart. He played with the kitty that meowed at our front door, then visited the chickens in the back yard and checked to see if there were any eggs. He watched Space Jam and pretended he was a basketball player. He got out the play swords, the football, the dinosaur,  and the Darth Vader costume… those boy toys that don’t get played with much anymore. Some of those toys are still laying around on the floor now… and I smile. They are signs of family. A sign that I love and want.

I believe The Family is why we are here on this earth. “The family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Any signs of family are signs of God’s plan and that He lives and loves us.

Thank you, Candace, for being born to us, for having a birthday and needing a sitter. I needed to be a sitter, a grandma today. My girl is 30! I guess I lied. My kids aren’t all in their 20’s any more.

I just noticed some scribblings on my dry erase board. My smile is creeping up again. How I love my family! My JOY!

Written by Faye

A little blessing happened this morning. Remember this in our last post?

“We wanted to go to the Red and Blue game this year in honor of Ashton, but the game is all sold out.”

Carter got a text at about  9:30 this morning:

“Carter…Not sure if you got tickets to the Red & Blue game?…there are 4 tickets on hold for you at McKale Center ticket office.”

When the text came, I heard him say, “Oh Wow!”  That caught my attention.

He told me what the text said.

I cried.

You better believe we called that ticket office!! They sent them over email and the tickets are sitting on our desk. Right now! It is 10:37.

We have received so many little blessings lately, I can’t even begin to count them all.

Another text:  “We sure love you guys! Have fun! Ashton will be cheering with you!”

Thanks loads, Steve… you are our little blessing for the day!

UofA Basketball

Ashton loved basketball. It was his favorite sport to play and watch. He LOVED UofA Basketball. The season is about to start and we are remembering….

We took him to the Red & Blue game last year. He was at the height of his anxiety, but wanted to go anyway. Some things were just worth pushing through the anxiety to do. UofA Basketball was one of them. We got there early and let him choose where to sit. He chose the front row of one of the highest sections with no one around us. People eventually piled in around us, but he wasn’t budging until the game was over. I’m the only one that could tell when he was anxious and he was feeling it then… his chest would rise and fall more rapidly than usual and he was fidgety. He loved being at the game despite the anxiety. At the end of the game, we waited until most of the people had filed out before we left. Being out in public like that was stressful on him. He usually slept for a while when he finally got home to his safe place. I’m glad our home was a safe place for him. That’s one thing I’m really happy that we could provide for him.

We wanted to go to the Red and Blue game this year in honor of Ashton, but the game is all sold out.

Both of his brothers share Ashton’s love for UofA basketball. It seems appropriate to include his brother Jordan’s comments on this subject:

“The Sunday night before Ashton died (he died two days later) was the last time I talked to Ashton. That night UofA played a basketball game against Utah in which we won in overtime and improved to 20-0 on the season. It was an exciting season because they set a new record for the best start of any UA basketball team. We chatted on Facebook about that for a little while and we joked and talked about stupid brotherly things (some of which would be inappropriate to share here.;))

The last few months before he died, UofA sports was one of the only things he could focus on and we talked about how the basketball team was doing all the time. We would look up stats and replays of games that he had already watched and I would tease him and ask ‘so did they win again?’ UA sports was one thing we could talk about and it still felt like I was talking to good ‘ol Ashton. We went to Grandma Richardson’s house one day. We commandeered their television for an entire afternoon and watched UA beat Michigan in a game that went down to the wire. Ashton had a hard time at the end when we shot some crucial free throws so he would close his eyes because that had been ‘good luck’ before. We are pretty superstitious fans. We then spent the rest of the afternoon watching some college football bowl games. Good times :).

It was hard to watch UA basketball after he died because of all the good memories I have with my brothers doing that. There was one game in particular where we played San Diego State in the Sweet 16 of the NCAA tournament. For some reason I couldn’t find anyone to watch the game with and Rubi (my wife) wasn’t there either, so I watched it by myself. It got pretty close there toward the end of the game. I would get excited when we would make a good play and then almost immediately I would start sobbing because I remembered how much fun I had watching the tournament with my brothers. I could see Ashton getting excited (which he didn’t do all that often) and I would think of how we would make fools of ourselves and hug and stuff at the end of a particularly nail-biting game when we won. I sobbed several times during this game and I was grateful that I was alone so I could cry unabashed and just miss him.

I have found that I don’t have to go looking for opportunities to miss him and have a good cry because of it; they find me when I need them, it seems. Just last week I was walking on the UA campus after a class and I spotted one of the main players for Arizona’s basketball team, Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, who is probably going to the NBA after this year. I recognized him right away and I felt like I should go talk to him and specifically about Ashton. I’ve seen UA basketball players on campus plenty of times but I’ve never felt the need to talk to them. I felt like I needed to this time. So I did it. I went up and told him about my brother and that the last time I talked to him was after the Utah game when we were 20-0 and how much UA basketball means to us. I said ‘I know that basketball is just a game, but I just want you to know how special it is to watch you guys play now because it reminds me of so many good times I’ve had with my brother. Just know we’re rooting for you!’ Rondae was very kind and I appreciated him listening to me so much. I got emotional while talking to him and on the way to my car I sobbed some and then when I got in the car I had to give myself a minute to let it all out.

I miss Ashton sooo much. UA sports seems so trivial, and it really is, but it will always remind me of him and I hope he gets to watch with us at least some of the time :)”

*Ashton Mayberry (holding the ball) with Sam Lewis.

*Elder Sam Abplanalp and Elder Ashton Mayberry

I have felt the need to keep in touch with Ashton’s friends, classmates and missionary companions. I feel a great responsibility to see them succeed. I can’t help Ashton any more, but I can cheer on his friends as they still journey on this earth.

Carter and I spent the weekend with the sweet Abplanalp family in Mountain Green, Utah. Their son just returned home from his mission in Fiji. He was one of the missionaries Ashton trained. We finally got to meet him and hug him. We saw pictures and videos of Ashton we had never seen before. We heard Elder Abplanalp speak about Fiji and what he learned from his mission. This was the missionary report I never got to hear. Ashton couldn’t do it, his anxiety was too much. Made me teary to hear that Fijian language again, the Fijian Ashton is so good at.  I loved seeing, again, the sulus and sandals worn by missionaries in Fiji. Ashton was super comfortable in his ‘man skirt’ and flip flops. I still keep his black flip flops he wore in Fiji by the front door. They just belong there.

I have often thought, “What would Ashton say to his friends he left behind? What would he want to tell them, now that he can see the bigger picture… now that his spirit is free, and his broken mind is healed?”

This is something I sent to Ashton on his mission. I’m not sure he believed it then, he was too deep into that depression that swallowed him up.

Christopher Robin said to Winnie the Pooh:
“Promise me you’ll always remember that you are braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”
No matter what the set back, it might surprise you to discover how brave, strong and smart you really are.

Maybe he would want to tell his friends this…and I wonder if he would want to add something he now knows very well… that their Heavenly Father knows and loves them more than they can ever comprehend in this life.

I KNOW that Heavenly Father’s love is there for all of us, even if we don’t believe it or can’t feel it. It’s ALWAYS there. When we DO believe it and can really feel it, it can be the one thing that gets us out of bed in the morning… that helps us do hard things… that gives us the light in our life and the hope of better days to come.

Deiter F. Uchtdorf said: “…Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be.”

I sent that one to Ashton also.  Perhaps he might want to tell his friends that too, now that he knows it really is true.

Maybe he is cheering them on in heaven just as I have that need to do here on earth. We can do it together, Buddy! (High Five!!)

Written by Faye

This was written in early July but I was not going to post it. Since receiving permission from my aunt, I’ve decide to post it.


I Have Four Children

My sweet aunt, who also had a son die when he was 14, sent me a  note in the mail:

“Today, thinking about that question that passes freely between folks meeting – ‘Do you have any children?’ A simple question. Never a problem before. Easy. I say, ‘Yes,’ But what to say to how many? ‘Five,’ my hard headed mind says. Heart always says, ‘Six. One is dead.’ Must I only say five? Absolutely not! I have six children – five sons and one daughter. Forever, always!”

After reading that, I stood up, alone in my living room and announced to the heavens, with fierce emotion, “I have FOUR Children!!!”

I will always have four children whether they are here with me or not. I will NEVER tell anyone three. Why do I need to leave Ashton out just because he’s not here right now? I have to remember, choosing that route could bring tears. Is that OK? Yes……I’m Ok with that. I’m used to tears.

Thank you Aunt Taffy for helping me make that decision.