Ashton in beautiful Fiji !

We just got back from an overnighter at Roper Lake and hike on Mt. Graham. I saw the colorful sunset over Mt. Graham and thought of Ashton. We sat on the porch swing of our cabin and looked at the night sky, the beautiful heavens full of stars. I heard the sounds of the wildlife on the lake, and thought of Ashton. On the hour drive up the mountain we talked of Ashton. Our hike was snowy and peaceful. My thoughts were mostly of Ashton. Why is it when I’m out in the peace and beauty of God’s wonderful world, Ashton comes to mind?  I remember, as I saw that sunset and the stars in the heavens, thinking….. “Does Ashton see what I see, or does he see a more grand and glorious scene from his new perspective?”

Carter said to me a few weeks ago, “I’m done. I’m ready to move on. I know what it feels like to experience a Fathers’ Day and Thanksgiving (my two most difficult holidays this past year) without my son here.” I know that Carter was processing his thoughts by verbalizing them to me. However, I remember thinking….Really? Can we just do that? Decide to move on? How do we know when we’re done grieving? Will we ever be done? I don’t think so. Maybe we can be done with the deep, debilitating stuff of grieving. We’ve been living in survival mode this past year. I’m ready to be done with that. Maybe we can make that decision to move on and then take the grief that still comes while we’re moving on? I’d like to move on. I’m willing to try. We met with a grief counselor for the first time. She shares our beliefs, and it was a good fit. Her counsel and guidance felt very right and I think we can start to move on with her guidance. We have some goals we are working on.

I read an article on deep grieving… those bad days,  and how to handle it. The author mentioned that sometimes in our deepest grieving, we can give ourselves permission to wallow. But, we need to set a timer, because  “it’s a self-absorbed dark place that we don’t want to be in forever.  Give yourself a time limit – minutes or hours, perhaps a whole day. Set boundaries that support you.” I like that term, wallow, to describe the deep grieving. I can picture that. I have done it. Deep grieving is different for everyone, and I like the thought that we have a choice to let ourselves wallow or not. Let’s be clear here…. we HAVE to grieve. We have to let ourselves grieve.  Man or woman, we have to let ourselves feel our deep emotions when they come. When those emotions get held in, they will come out later, somehow, someway. I have learned, for me, they will usually come out as anger or depression.

Here’s a link to the whole article:

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/20-ways-get-through-those-bad-days

I have a wise and good friend, Shauna Gappmayer, who teaches me when ever I get to communicate with her. She is also grieving. This is a comment from her that I have been thinking deeply about:

“I have become aware of society’s increasing sensationalism and emotionalism…that people value and actually enjoy getting emotionally worked up. Strong emotion can block our reception of the Holy Spirit. I have become self conscious of getting emotionally worked up…then I got concerned that I wasn’t allowing myself to grieve. I prayed for the Lord to help me get the grieving in the right balance. The result has been that when the grief moments come being conscious not to get more worked up than necessary lets the healing Spirit come very quickly. I need the Lord’s healing more than I need the emotion, and I am learning not to block the Spirit . To linger in the Spirit is a much happier place. I have studied and taught many classes on worldly principles of grieving. Nothing they have to offer heals as quickly or completely as the Spirit of the Lord.”

We all need to find a balance in this grieving we have to take part in, when it’s our turn. We each have to find our own place in what feels right and good for us. As much as I would like to move on, I know that I still have grieving to do. I can’t will my grieving to stop just because I want to move on, but I hope that I can keep inching forward as I grieve.  I know that I have to feel it, but I also know that I want to feel The Lord’s holy, healing spirit  in my life as often as possible. “To linger in the spirit is a much happier place.”  I believe that. I want that. Thanks Shauna for your wise words.

I started out just wanting to post pictures here of the things we did as a family on Ashton’s Angel Day on January 28, 2014, but I realized that most of these pictures have our grandchildren in them. We chose to do most of these things with our grandchildren in mind. We wanted to especially include them and hope that they could learn something from participating in this day with us. It turned out to be the best thing we could have done. We hope that they will remember how they felt and how it made others feel. We wanted them to learn these things:

Grieving with those you love, makes it more bearable.

We can still help others even when we are grieving.

We can still have fun while we’re grieving.

Serving others makes grief less painful.

We talk about hard things.

“Set aside your grief and use your strength for another’s good.”

On a day where we thought we would be doing the giving, we were also on the receiving end. Enjoy our day in pictures!

Little Carter delivering to Betty Goodman

David delivering to Summer Thompson and her son, Shane.

The plate we delivered remembering their loved one. This one was delivered to our niece, Jamie Sue Thayer, remembering her little Kenadee.

Given to us by Uncle Nelson & Aunt Lori to open on this day. It was a hit and so fun for the everyone to explore!

Exploring all the Sunshine!

It’s actually a BIG box!

Prayer Flag made just for that day by our friend and neighbor, Joy. Thanks Joy! We love you!

Candace, Hannah and Carter at our Baconator Lunch!

Father and Son statue given to Carter by Emily Merrill. Love you Emily!

Beautiful Willow Tree statue from Emily Merrill

Flowers delivered anonymously that day. Thank you, whoever you are!!

An Angel for Ashton made by Ruth Fry. Thank you Ruth… it is absolutely beautiful!!

We now have our very own personal tribe of Fiji water bottles. About a month before Ashton’s Angel Day, we started receiving a Fiji water bottle at our door every night. At first it was just the bottle, which was fun! Fiji water is our favorite now! Then they started coming dressed up.  Super fun!!

We learned later that many bottles were decorated to look like our family members! The Daley family came to visit us on the 28th to reveal that they were the ones who delivered these to us. It was a fun month of Fiji water bottle deliveries.  Thank you Daley family… we love you. Thanks for remembering us and giving us our “daily” giggle!!!

This is our favorite one, delivered on Ashton’s Angel Day! Can you guess who it is? We won’t be drinking these. They are keepers!!

Written and posted by Faye

Ashton in Vuna, Fiji

It has been a year now…. a life changing year…. since our Ashton left us for another realm. I am grateful that he is not suffering anymore, but despite the greatfulness…the loss is gaping and there is, and will always be, a hole in our family. A hole that can never be filled. A hole that we will have to get used to. That hole was felt today at church as we blessed a sweet little granddaughter. It was a joyous occasion, but the loss was felt. Someone was definitely missing.
This loss makes me ponder on what I have learned this past year. Have I learned anything? I know I have. I’m already not the same person. I can never be that same person again. I hope that I am a better person. I am trying to be.

I am reminded of a prayer I said once when we were saying our morning prayer together and it was my turn to pray. It was only a few months after Ashton died. I remember saying, ” We are grateful for all that we are learning.” I had not planned to say that or even thought about saying that…. it just came out. I was a little surprised by it, we both were, and we had a conversation after the prayer realizing that were ARE learning, we have to be learning something from this significant experience.

Our daughter, Candace, sent this graphic for us to use as the wallpaper on our phone. It’s the first thing we see when we get on our phones. I use my phone a lot, and it has been a blessing for me to see it many times during the day.

 I have learned many things this past year, but these are the things I’m prompted to share:
1. I’ve learned that the temple has literally, physically, spiritually and emotionally  been a place of refuge for me.   My journal says…

“… the days after Ashton died… the temple was the only thing that saved me. It was the only thing that let me feel the peace I needed so I could handle life for a few more days. The temple was the place where I felt closest to Ashton. I wanted to be there all the time. I went twice, sometimes three times a week. I could not have made it through that first few months without the temple’s peace. Once I drove all the way to the Gila Valley Temple just to be there for 1/2 hour and went straight home. It was worth it. Worth every peaceful second. ”

It’s amazing the difference in the feeling I have when I walk in… frazzled and frantic….and then a few hours later when I walk out…. ready to face the real world again. THANKS BE TO GOD we have our own sweet temple so close in the Gila Valley.

2. There’s a hymn in our church entitled, “Where Can I Turn For Peace”. I have learned WHERE I CAN TURN for that peace. I have learned that the Savior’s Atonement REALLY CAN swallow up my sorrow and grief for a time. I’ve learned that He REALLY WILL take my burdens from me temporarily so I can sleep. I’ve learned that He REALLY WILL make my burdens feel lighter so I can bear them. I’ve learned The Atonement is not just a Christian myth. It REALLY is available to me.  THANKS BE TO GOD for that great gift, The Atonement of Jesus Christ.

3. I’ve learned that……WE HAVE HAD OUR TURN. Our Heavenly Father’s plan provides for death to be part of our mortal existence here. I wrote this a few months ago:

“So many have had a child, spouse, parent or sibling pass away. So many have felt the sorrow and grief that we feel. So many are hurting. We are not alone. As this has all happened, I have been able to sit back and look at the big picture of one aspect of our life here on earth.

EVERY FAMILY HAS THEIR TURN.

Every family has their turn and we rally around that family when their turn comes. We bring them food. We write and send sympathy cards. We hug them and say sorry at church and at Walmart. We pray for them to be comforted. We give them flowers, gifts and books that might bring comfort.”
As we have had our turn, we have been greatly blessed by our family, friends and community. THANKS BE TO GOD for you. You have been such a great and needed blessing to us.

4. I’ve learned that helping others is a great distraction and a blessing. I was watching a movie where a woman’s husband had died. It had been 6 months and she still couldn’t get out and do anything she used to do. Someone told her:

“Set aside your grief and use your strength for another’s good.”

That REALLY struck me and I have it written on my dry erase board in my kitchen. The grief will always be there, but what a blessed distraction to set it aside for a time and focus on someone else. THANKS BE TO GOD for including in His plan….for us to need each other on this earth.

5. I’ve learned that the scriptures can bring me closer to Christ and feeling the love he has for me. THANKS BE TO GOD for the gift of His words in the scriptures.

6. I have learned to TRUST GOD.

I read an article in our church magazine, The Ensign, the December 2014 issue entitled, “The Answer to All the Hard Questions.” A quote from this article says;

“The questions life sends our way are not always easy to answer. Some of the personal challenges we have – a child’s death, for example, is often not easy to reconcile. Sometimes the most difficult struggle in this situation is to recognize that our Heavenly Father loves us and is not punishing us… What do we do when doubt seeps into our hearts? Are there really answers to those hard questions? Yes, there are. In fact, all the answers – all the right answers – depend on the answer to just one question: Do I trust God above everyone else?

“Trusting that God has all the answers, that He loves us, and that He will answer all our questions – in His way, on His timetable – can simplify our searching. It may not always be easy, but simply trusting in God’s counsel can safely steer us through clouds of confusion.”

THANKS BE TO GOD – that HE is a God that can be trusted.

7. Not sure how to say this one… so I’ll just give you my scattered thoughts….

I’ve learned how to listen better… I’ve learned a little better to trust my feelings when the Holy Spirit prompts me. I’m still learning this… but I guess I’ve become a little better. I’ve just become more aware of when the Spirit is speaking to me. This is something I’ve wanted to become better at. So … I say…. THANKS BE TO GOD for this little improvement in such an important thing.

8. I have learned to be more loving and forgiving of others. I believe that most people are doing the best they can. We have family members on both sides of our family who have lost a child. I was clueless as to what was really needed in the way of help and comfort. I was not aware of how devastating that was for them. After their loved-one’s funeral, I did nothing! I know now what is needed. I am a different person now. I am GRATEFUL for those that continue to reach out and help us, but am very aware that most people have no idea the help that is needed, and it’s Ok. I’ve been there. Most people don’t know what more to do. I have been one of them. THANKS BE TO GOD for the trials of life to teach me important lessons.

9. I thought this post was written and final, but I’ve had the prompting to include what is, for me, the most important thing I’ve come to learn. It’s very personal and I hesitate to include this, but after reviewing #7, and reviewing the subtitle of this blog, I know I have to write this. I’VE LEARNED THAT CHRIST IS WHO I WANT TO FOLLOW.  Ashton’s death has made me wonder…”Do I really believe all that I profess to believe? Do I really believe all that I was brought up believing?” I have needed to study the creation of the world… why was it created? Why are we here living on this earth? I have been studying about Christ’s Atonement which is a study that can never be exhausted.  I have studied what the scriptures and the prophets teach about the spirit world. Where do we go after we die? I’ve studied about angels and what they are capable of. How they can help me… how Ashton can help me. I have come to know that this gospel I am involved in IS NOT A JOKE. It is the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and …. YES!….I want to follow Him. I do believe all the I profess to believe! I believe with all my heart that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the World, the Redeemer of all mankind. He is my Savior, my King and my Lord. I believe his teachings and I want to follow Him.

I echo Nephi in the Book of Mormon:  2 Nephi 4: 19-21   –  “… I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with His love. …. He hath heard my cry.”
In John 14:18 it says – “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.”
And so I say one more time…. THANKS BE TO GOD. He has done that very thing for us.
Written by Faye

Some of you may be interested to know how things went for us this week, as we observed the one-year anniversary of the day Ashton became an angel, on January 28, 2014. Our daughter, Candace, said someone told her they used the term “angelversary;” I like that term! As I type this post, Faye and I realized that we didn’t just have an “Angels for Ashton Day”; we had an “Angels for Ashton Week”! Read on!

I feel like I need to say that I don’t condone or glamorize suicide in any way. Nor do I condemn Ashton for taking his own life; I will leave any judgment there to God. However, those of us who are left to mourn Ashton’s passing have some choices to make. Our family is trying to do as our blog subtitle suggests by “Grieving with God’s Guidance.”

On Monday, we had Family Home Evening at Faye’s parents’ home. In their efforts to comfort us, they were “Angels for Ashton” by sharing a talk given by Bruce C. and Marie K Hafen entitled “Fear Not, I am With Thee: Christ’s Atonement and our Personal Growth.” I recommend it (see Footnote 1).

On Tuesday evening, a good friend delivered a huge tray of pulled pork that he, his wife and several others contributed to. Thank you, “Angels for Ashton,” for nourishing us and our guests for three full meals and part of a fourth! It was such a blessing to have the concerns for preparing food removed from our figurative plates!

Also on Tuesday, Faye made some cookies. We delivered a plate to each of my home teaching families. One of these “Angels for Ashton” is doing an amazing thing: he is establishing The Ashton Richardson Mayberry Foundation, a non-profit to study depression and suicide, with the goal of finding a cure for depression. He recently travelled to Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, where he met with several prominent researchers in those fields. He gave us an enlightening and inspiring summary of his very fruitful trip. More on this in a future post.

When we returned home that evening, Faye received a call from a senior sister missionary serving in the mission headquarters where Jacob is serving for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Spokane, Washington. Faye had been trying to get a message to the mission president and his wife that Wednesday was Ashton’s Angelversary, asking them to check on Jacob to make sure he was doing okay. She had felt strongly that someone needed to acknowledge to Jacob that they knew that Ashton’s Angelversary was coming. To that point, Faye had not heard from them (but did later). This sweet and inspired woman said that Jacob came into the office that day. She had not met him, but saw his nametag and recognized that Elder Mayberry was the missionary whose brother had died of suicide the year before.  She took him by both hands, introduced herself and said that she knew some of what he was going through; her daughter had taken her own life two years ago. Faye asked her if she had listened to the message Faye had left on the office voicemail earlier that day, asking that someone reach out to Jacob. No, she had not heard that message and didn’t even know that Ashton’s Angelversary was the next day. However, she was an “Angel for Ashton,” sent by God to comfort a missionary – and his mother – during a very difficult time.

Our son, Jordan, and his wife and baby daughter, Rubi and “Baby Faye” came Tuesday evening. Having them close was such a comfort as we approached Ashton’s Angelversary the following day! Thanks for coming, you lovely little family of “Angels for Ashton”! Faye hugged Jordan and said, “Hello, my son that I can touch!”

Candace came with her three oldest children; Jonathan stayed home with the two youngest, who were a little sick. All of them are “Angels for Ashton” by brightening their grandparents’ lives. Faye’s parents also came. We knelt in prayer at 11 am, which we figure is close to the time that Ashton passed away a year ago. There was a sweet spirit in our home as we thanked our Heavenly Father for His blessings, including Ashton and the memories that we have with him. We are also thankful for God’s Perfect Plan and for Christ’s Atonement that makes that Plan possible, so that, among other blessings, we can be together as a family after this lifetime. There is much we still don’t understand; our current task is to walk by faith with the knowledge of what we DO know to be true – and not worry overly much about things that we don’t yet understand. One of Faye’s sisters gave us a wall plaque that says, “Someday everything will make perfect sense – someday.” I believe that!

After the family prayer, we went to Wendy’s restaurant in Benson to eat Baconaters, Ashton’s favorite fast food. Then we divided into three cars and delivered a plate of cookies to almost 40 people in the community who had experienced a loss in their lives. It was a blessing to attempt to be “Angels for Ashton” by extending our love and compassion to them and to feel that reciprocated to us, as well.

As we looked at the “Angels for Ashton” website (see Footnote 2), we were overwhelmed by the many acts of service that were performed in Ashton’s memory. If you haven’t already, check it out. It’s amazing! Ashton’s cousin, Leisel, created a sweet video highlighting some of these posts (see Footnote 3). It made us cry the first time we watched it. We’re also aware that some of you performed service anonymously and did not post it on the website. Thank you, as well! Many lives were touched – on both the giving and receiving end!  Throughout the day, Faye and I received several texts, emails and messages of love and support. Thank you to those we know about and to those we don’t – but God does!

On Friday, Faye and I got together with two other couples who have also lost their sons through suicide. We had dinner and a nice visit. I felt lifted by these “Angels for Ashton” who comforted me because they are good people, but also because they have experienced much of what we have through their losses.

Today, we went to church in Tucson to participate in Jordanna Faye Mayberry’s (her full name) blessing in their congregation – like a christening, but no water is involved. We had lunch and a nice visit at Jordan and Rubi’s apartment complex afterward. I like to think that Ashton – as an angel – was able to participate in our family gatherings today.

There you have it. Thanks again for your love, prayer, kindness and support! God bless you earthly angels!

Footnote 1: http://ce.byu.edu/cw/womensconference/pdf/archive/2014/hafens.pdf

Footnote 2: https://www.facebook.com/events/1514867202135189/

Footnote 3: http://flipagram.com/f/PyqJcmUqml

Written by Carter