Today was the day. I knew it needed to happen… but I haven’t been ready. Today I was cleaning up for company coming, folding Ashton’s quilt I used last night. I smelled it, like I always do and knew it was time.

I sent a Facebook message to my sisters:

“FYI – I just need to tell someone….I’m finally putting Ashton’s quilt in the washing machine, on delicate, to wash it. It’s time…little bit of tears, but I’m OK. Thanks for listening!”

After I wrote that to my sisters and read their comments,  there were LOTS of tears. It’s a huge milestone for me.  I made that quilt for him when he went to college. It’s the only blanket he used. It was a snugly kind of blanket, not rigid or heavily quilted.  He would wrap himself in it on the couch and read or watch a movie or sleep. It was still there on the couch the morning he died. I wrapped myself in it and smelled him. I told myself I would never wash it.

He was up early that morning laying on his stomach on the couch with the quilt over him. He was so quiet, not sleeping, just quiet. I was on my way to an appointment, hurrying out the door. I reminded him about taking out the garbage and feeding the chickens. He had  those things done when I got home 2 hours later. He liked to keep me happy and make life comfortable for me.

It’s the quilt I use when I take a nap or just feel chilled when sitting in the recliner watching something on television. It was hard to use at first, but I can use it now. It’s a comfort to me. It is the one thing that still smells like him. Sometimes I would get it out just to smell it.

I just took Ashton’s quilt out of the washing machine and it’s drying now on my bed with the ceiling fan going. His smell is gone… just like he is. There’s a new smell. I used unscented Downey with lots of wild orange essential oil. It’s my favorite scent right now.

Today I was ready. Today I’m moving on in this small way. Cleaning out some of the past. I still have things to clean out, even from the funeral. It’s a start.

Here’s what’s going in my Happiness Jar tonight:

“Ashton’s quilt is clean and fresh again with a new smell. It’s still his… but now it’s mine with a clean new scent for a new start.”

It’s a small milestone, but important to me.

Written by Faye

This sweet girl is Megan Christine Einfeldt. She was one of our babysitters when we lived in Aurora, Colorado.  It’s hard for me to tell you this…. but with tears… I will tell you that she also took her life 8 1/2 years ago as a young mother. Her mother, Maureen, has been a comfort and help to us since our Ashton died. She recently sent me a poem that she wrote. It fits so perfectly with the timing of Ashton’s headstone arriving and the thoughts I’ve had lately. We have warm memories of this gentle Megan with our children. I remember her with this beautiful, sweet smile.  Megan and Ashton… two gentle souls. I wonder if they have connected in the spirit world?

~ ~

Love Lies Here

It used to be that cemeteries

Were cold stoned yards;

Green and grassy,

Flagged, flowered and ornamented,

Filled with dearly departed

Strangers.

Some remembered.

Others lost, forgotten.

None mine.

~

Not anymore….

~

Now I have one

Residing amid the cemetery grasses.

That sacred, hallowed place

marked—

Etched in stone–

Named, dated and emblemed—

Warmly noting to all who pass

Here is mine!

Stop! Look!

Love lies here!

Love!

Here is one

So very missed,

So very much loved,

Lost only to earthly arms that long to hold,

Enfold them.

Love lies beneath the grassy earth that separates us.

No strangers

None lost

Not forgotten,

Only dearly, dearly departed

Loved Ones.

—Maureen Crimin Einfeldt

Elder Ashton Mayberry on the tropical islands of Fiji

I never, EVER thought that I would want to shop for fake, artificial flowers. I’ve never liked them. They aren’t real flowers. They’re…. fake. Fake flowers. I like REAL flowers.

Well… that’s  exactly what I’ve been doing… shopping for fake flowers.

Ashton’s headstone came with a vase and I want to put some flowers in it. I want tropical looking flowers. They are hard to find! I’ve only been to a few stores, but have not been successful in finding what I want. I want Fiji looking flowers, or even Hawaiian flowers, anything tropical looking. I will have to keep looking. If you know of somewhere I can get them… let me know.  I’m already thinking about what flowers I want to put in the vase for Easter.

Why do we put flowers on our loved ones grave? Why do we want to? What do the flowers symbolize?  Is it just a way to honor the dead and soften our grief? Is there something more to it?

This is new territory for me… having front row seats at a funeral, choosing a headstone, wanting to visit a cemetery, shopping for flowers that aren’t real, and even writing about it all and letting others read my personal thoughts. New territory…  A place I never imagined being in at this time in my life. Yet… I’m here… it’s here, and I have to embrace it. It’s my life right now. I really am a very private person, or I used to be. There’s been lots of changes for me and my family in the past year. I thank the Lord every day for the help, the guidance and love I feel from Him and those around me.  Huge family changes like ours require the same huge amount of love and care. I have felt that love and that caring… and… I have needed it.

Well… here I go… going to shop for fake flowers online. Wish me luck. Hopefully I can find some tropical ones.

New territory… that’s for sure!

Written by Faye

Picture on Ashton’s headstone. Vuna, Fiji

My Dad called me late this afternoon, “I have the headstone set up. You need to come see it.”

I did… it was hard.

But, it’s beautiful. The picture on it is amazing. It’s perfect of him. It’s taken in Vuna, Fiji, on the island of Taveuni…one of the happiest times of his mission. The afternoon sunlight is just right on his face. It shows the beautiful green of Fiji and and the sea he was surrounded by. He’s in his sulu and black flip flops. I love those flip flops. He wore them every day when he got home except when he went to church. If you come to our home, you will see those same flip flops just inside our door, where he always left them. They just belong there. I wear them sometimes when I go out front to water or take the garbage out. His brother Jordan wore them last time he came home. He wears a lot of his things when he comes home.

My dad stayed at the cemetery with me while I cried and arranged the flowers and things that sweet friends have left there. My father was the one Ashton spent his last full day with on earth. I thanked him for that. They rode together on an 8 hour car trip. Ashton went to help him drive. I’ve heard it was a quiet trip and I know Ashton felt comfortable with his grandpa who didn’t require him to say much. He wasn’t into talking much at that point. He got really quiet towards the end of his life. Too quiet…

I took Carter out to see the headstone later that evening. It was dark. We had to bring a flashlight. Some kind, sweet soul put a solar light by his grave, so we can always find it at night. Thanks for that. We got to stand out there under the stars and look at it together… and sigh… and cry. We went home and watched part of “The Ashton Show” together.  A family member took all of the videos we have of our children and made a DVD of just Ashton. We weren’t able to watch that for a while, but now we can, and it makes us smile and chuckle at Ashton’s cuteness. That took a lot of time to put together. Thank you… we love you for doing that. It was a good way to end what started out as a sad evening.

Here’s some pictures of the headstone. Our daughter took them. She also tells why the back of the headstone says what it says. If you were at the funeral you will remember the story.

Our daughter, Candace, with Ashton’s headstone.

Our oldest grandchildren with the back of Ashton’s headstone. Hannah 9, David 7, Carter 5.

Candace says…”The back of Ashton’s headstone is the ending phrase of the LDS children’s song ‘I’m Trying To Be Like Jesus.’ When Ashton was a sweet toddler we would sing this song as a family and it was Ashton’s ‘job’ to sing the very last word of the song: ‘taught.’ He did it so sweetly.  So it is now a family tradition to leave out the last word when we sing the song, because it’s Ashton’s solo. This song also perfectly describes Ashton: Gentle & Loving.”

Yes… we have a child buried in the St. David, Arizona, cemetery. It wasn’t in our family plans for Ashton to die. We had hopes and dreams for him. I miss what could have been his future here on earth. I miss the family and those grandchildren he might have had. I miss the vital part he played in our family. But, I do know that my Heavenly Father, Ashton’s Heavenly Father, has a plan for him. Though it is hard to be without him here…I trust that plan.

Written February 23, 2015 – by Faye