Monthly Archives: September 2015

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 A New Appreciation for Suffering

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Elder Wihongi, Elder Gardner, Elder Mayberry & Elder Abplanalp

I have a friend who lives with the effects of MS (Multiple Sclerosis). She is not well, but when I’m around her she is cheerful and upbeat and positive. She is hopeful and helpful and kind. She is one of the most selfless people I know. She is in pain much of the time. Despite her suffering… she has a deep faith that God has something good and wonderful in store for her and she shares her faith with me. Thank you, Vikki. I am a better person because of you.

I have sweet new friends who have come to me, telling me their story of how they almost gave up on life. I know they came to me wanting to help and I appreciate that more than they will ever know. I needed to hear their story. I have other new friends who are suffering from the suicide of one of their children. We now have a common bond we wish we didn’t have. These new friends have and are suffering…. I now have many more friends because of that suffering.

I have a nephew who has suffered most of his young life with mental illness. He is a gentle soul… as his mother calls him… kind and good, like Ashton. He recently wrote his story and let me read it. It was heart wrenching for me to know what he experienced and suffered through, quietly, as a child. He has been working amazingly hard to be well and he is succeeding at it. He is now working to help those like him…and Ashton…to be well and whole again. Thank you for not giving up, Tyrell. You are doing wonderfully well and I am so proud of you. You are making a difference in the lives of those in your sphere.  Tyrell has suffered… but not anymore. He is using that suffering from his past to help and strengthen.

My newest friend, Ashley Sargeant, founder of the Don’t Stop Sargeant campaign, lives with Bipolar II disorder. After her mission, she was in a very dark place. Her journey has been hard, but she has turned her suffering into a world of light and hope for herself and for many, many others…. including me.  She is using that very illness to change lives. She is perpetuating Ashton’s Legacy. She is bringing hope and light to the world of those with mental illness, especially for early returning missionaries, like Ashton.

I have a new appreciation for suffering. If I let it…. if I choose it…. I can be like Vikki, helpful and hopeful and kind when I have my turn. I can be like my new friends and share my story to help and strengthen those who need to hear it. I can be like Tyrell and Ashley, and use my experience with suffering to make a difference in the world. I can… I can choose. I have a choice.

Jesus Christ had a choice… and he chose to suffer for me, for Ashton and Vikki, for Tyrell and Ashley, for all of us.

I have struggled lately with the suffering and strugglings of so many of my family members and friends. I want to be able help them all and I can’t. But the Savior can. Once again I have needed to give that struggle to Him and let His Atonement take the pain and fear away. Once again I have needed to let that Atonement bring the peace I need. And once again… that peace has come.

“We are the cause for which Christ suffered.”  Carol F. McConkie

Yes… I have a new appreciation for the suffering that happens on this earth. I watch and I listen, and I have discovered the blessings and the good that can come from it. I have become aware of those who have turned more to God because of its storm. And I…  I have been greatly blessed by its aftermath.

“Perhaps the road we may have to tread through suffering leads ultimately to important discoveries of the soul.” Ensign – December 1972

Written by Faye

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Date With Mount Graham 

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Ashton and Elder Gardner on their own beautiful trail in Fiji

We’ve had a date with Mount Graham since last year at about this time. I wrote a post about it on September 9, 2014, titled Beautiful Landscapes of the Creator. I remember drinking in God’s beauty and peace then. It quenched our thirsty souls and gave us a needed respite from the overwhelming grief we felt at that time. We wanted to feel that same feeling again. But, it was a different experience this time, although the mountain was still beautiful and peaceful.

We were able to spend most of one day there hiking up to Heliograph Lookout Point, a point that is about 10,000 feet in elevation. The day was overcast and cool. The scenery on the hike was not what I expected it to be. There had been a fire in that area and for much of the hike we were in a graveyard of aspen and pine trees. At first I was disappointed and on the way back down the trail, I remember thinking, “I’m having to look really hard to find the beauty here.”

Looking at the big picture, all I could see was the burned, dead or wounded trees. But as I looked closely, right along our path, I did find the beauty I longed to find. The sweet forest things I love to see. There were tons of wild raspberry bushes along the trail. I ate some for Ashton. He loves raspberries! Most were sour, but we did find some sweet ones. We saw little purple, yellow and red flowers. We saw hummingbirds and squirrels. We heard some wild turkeys in the distance but never saw them. There were also a lot of wild mushrooms coming up from the ground and growing on the trees… many different species of mushrooms and fungus… some of which were big and interestingly-shaped. There were  different-sized rocks along the trail, creating little burrows where I imagined little animals living, providing shelter from the elements. We even got sprinkled on that day.  I started searching for a thicket that would shelter us. Luckily we didn’t need it because the rain stopped. That experience made me start singing, “Drip, drip, drop little April showers…” from Bambi! I would whistle it off and on throughout the hike!

I realized that I still found beauty there, even among the disorder of the fallen and blackened trees. Even though it wasn’t what I expected to see that day, I still found little joys and things that made my heart happy.

We’ve had to do that very thing as we’ve waded through the grief of Ashton’s death. We didn’t expect Ashton to die and leave us with the temporary disorder  and wounded state we found ourselves in. It’s easy to let our personal graveyard experience be the big picture in our lives and forget all the beauty God has put along our path here on the earth.  It’s so easy to let that very thing happen.

Carter and I are functioning well now. Our family is doing as well as can be expected. We all still have our struggles. We are helping each other through the struggles that come up. Perhaps we look like we are doing pretty well from the outside. Carter and I are definitely doing better than we were a year ago.

This time, up on the mountain, we didn’t feel the weight of grief as we felt last year. The experiences of last year were what we needed then. I do believe what we experienced this year was exactly what was needed for us now.  God knew what we needed. He always knows that. I love it that He does.

Written by Faye

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World Suicide Prevention Day – Ashton’s Story

 

 Ashley Sargeant is a champion!

“Sharing hope and resources for early returning missionaries and those fighting to overcome mental illness.”

We collaborated on this post for her blog in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day. The link to her blog is below:

http://dontstopsargeant.com/2015/09/10/world-suicide-prevention-day-ashtons-story/

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day — a day of spreading awareness, sharing hope, and giving kindness to our brothers and sisters in this world. Did you know that more lives are lost to suicide than both war and murder combined? Take five minutes to visit www.take5tosavelives.org to become informed about how to help a friend or loved one who may be at risk. Please share. Suicide is a topic that hits close to home and I care so much about helping to prevent it.

The story you will read below is by a long distance friend I made this summer, Faye Richardson Mayberry. Faye came across my YouTube video “BRAVE: A Message for Early Returning Missionaries” and started a conversation with me through Facebook. I wept as I heard her story of losing Ashton to mental illness induced suicide shortly after his early return from his mission to Fiji. I wept again reading this article today. Her story has not left my mind these past few months and we discussed having her share it with you here today. I am so grateful for her courage and willingness to speak openly to give hope to other families who have been devastated by similar experiences. I gave a fireside two weeks ago with some friends for early returning missionaries and those living with mental illness. I told Faye that this fireside was dedicated to Ashton, and I could feel his presence and spirit so close during the course of the evening. I know he was mindful of what was being said and I know he cares to see others triumph over his same challenges. Someday I will see Ashton on the other side and want to be able to say that because of him, I didn’t stop. His struggle has motivated me to keep going to help other early returned missionaries and those battling mental illness. Returning early from a mission can be devastating. Living with mental illness can be debilitating. But I believe that there is so much hope and peace to be found in Jesus Christ who has triumphed over all things. My dear friends, don’t stop! You are loved and have so much to live for! Turn to Christ in your times of darkness and despair and let Him carry you back again to the light of joy. He is Hope. Never give up on those who are fighting against that very real darkness, and know that one day they will be free by the power of the Resurrection.

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.
In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

Ashton’s Story
By Faye Richardson Mayberry

Ashton died on January 28, 2014. He was 21 years old. The death certificate says: “Gun shot wound to the chest.” But his psychiatrist told us he died from depression. He had returned home five months early from his mission to Fiji. He developed a debilitating depression there along with some delusions. His wonderful Mission President did the best he could to take care of him on the mission with counseling and medication, but it didn’t work. His delusions became too much. He became suicidal. He came home and put all his mission things away and tried to survive. He tried to attend church but it was too much for him. His anxiety was too overwhelming and he often left early. He told me, “Mom, now that I know what depression feels like, I think I was depressed in junior high and high school.” I had no idea. Mental illness runs in our family. I thought I could spot depression in anyone. His depression was different. He just got quiet as a teenager. He was our quiet boy. I’m sure there was a lot going on in his head, but he couldn’t tell us about it.

We got him the best help we could find and we loved that boy. I made sure he knew his mother loved him. I had a great hope that my love alone could save him. He seemed to cooperate with the doctor but never did progress even being on five different medications and counseling. I tried essential oils. Nothing we tried helped him.

Ashton was a determined boy and he was determined to go on a mission. We could not have kept him from going. We are told by companions and mission couples that he was a good missionary. Reading his journals we can see that he really tried. He would work and work and then go down for a while then get back up and work through the pain again.

Here are a few of his personal journal entries:

February 5, 2013 – “I know that I am in Fiji for a reason, and that God knows the reason, so I am trying to be obedient to His commandments so that I can be worthy to have His spirit with me.”

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March 26, 2013 – “Riding the bus today. Not having a truck to drive gives me time to just look at my surroundings. I have realized again how blessed I am to be serving here in Fiji, in Taveuni. It is so beautiful! The coastline, the jungle, the mountains, the ocean… I am so blessed to be serving in Fiji despite the challenges I am facing each day.”

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May 7, 2013 – “…I don’t want to do this anymore: life. I have failed. I have failed my family, my Father and most of all myself. I am good… I just don’t want to be a problem anymore. I have been waiting to go on my mission with anticipation. My mission was the place I thought it would all change. …And now I have failed my mission. I am not worthy to uphold the Mayberry name. I’m sorry. President did his best. I just can’t get it.”

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May 13, 2013 – “It’s been a pretty rough couple of weeks, some of the toughest on my mission. I have been reminded of what Satan can do if I let him… I am worth it. I can do this! One day at a time, doing the best I can, making other peoples’ lives better! …God answers prayers.”

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A very kind person wrote to us, “I know Ashton did his best.” Those few words were so comforting for us.

If you are an early returned missionary in Ashton’s situation, I beg you to HOLD ON — hang on for one more day, one more week, and talk to someone you love. I beg you to TRUST the people who love you and want to help you. There is hope ahead, even if YOU don’t see it. There is healing ahead. Life is ALWAYS worth living… even when it’s hard! Choose to live!

“…Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be!” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf – October 2011 General Conference – “You Matter to Him”)

We realize that everyone’s mental health journey is different. Our son, Ashton, experienced delusions that made him believe things were happening that were not happening in reality. He couldn’t feel or hear the love Heavenly Father or his family had for him. After talking with his doctor, we are now wondering if he was bipolar. Reading in his journal… he seems to have experienced at least one manic event, maybe more, on his mission.

If you are the parent of a child with a mental illness, I want to tell you that there is so much HOPE! Ashton’s situation is not typical. Most missionaries returning home will be able to get over their problems. A very high percentage make it. Some will deal with mental health issues for the rest of their life but are able to manage it with help from competent professionals and the bright hope of Christ’s Atonement.

Three months after Ashton died, we started a blog. We titled it Ashton’s Legacy: Grieving With God’s Guidance. We didn’t know what we were doing. It was a process to learn how to do it. All we knew is that we needed to write and we felt guided to (gulp!) send it out to the world. I had so many thoughts swimming around in my head that needed to come out. Writing has been a huge source of relief from our grief. Many people have commented to us that it has been helpful for them, too. We have learned that there are so many who are grieving the loss of a child… So many…

If you choose to read our blog, start from the beginning. You will see the difference in our writing as the grief evolved.

Quite often, whenever I have a question or concern about Ashton right before I go to bed, I have a dream or wake up with distinct thoughts on the subject in the middle of the night. Last night, Carter had the dream. It was on the same subject I went to bed thinking about, as far as what to say to you, Ashley. In his dream, Ashton was 3 years old. Carter was holding his hand and they were walking down a hall of the home Carter grew up in. They came to a mirror. Carter said to Ashton, “Say, I love you , Ashton!” Ashton said, “I love you Ashton!,” to himself in the mirror in a little baby voice. Ashton couldn’t love himself here on earth. He believed the delusions in his head that he was a bad person, when everyone around him knew otherwise.

On this Suicide Prevention week in September, I want to let you know that I trust the God who created Ashton’s broken mind. That same God is the One who will judge him. I trust that He has a plan for Ashton and some day I will understand. I trust Him and I trust Ashton with Him.

I will end with part of a blog post from June 2014 entitled “Physical Grieving”:

“It has been 4 1/2 months since Ashton died. I never would have guessed 5 months ago that we would have a child buried in the St. David Cemetery. I thought this would be a little bump in Ashton’s road and he would get better like most people do. I know about the Savior’s Atonement. I am studying it now. I believe in it and I am grateful for it, but I now have much more Hope in it. The Atonement is real. It’s not just for when we leave this earth. It is for here and now. What a beautiful blessing that Atonement is. More of a blessing than I can ever comprehend while I still live and physically grieve on this earth.”