Carter and I attended a children’s program this past Sunday at our daughter’s congregation in Sierra Vista, Arizona. Our grandchildren were part of the program. When children sing and speak it melts my heart. This day was no exception. Even in the beginning when all the children were coming up to get in their places, the tears started. The spirit is abundant with children at church. The songs they sang rang of Jesus Christ and how He lives and He loves them. They sang of Christ’s Atonement:

Our 4 year old granddaughter, Clara, had a part in the program. She said:  “Jesus loves me. He got owies for me. I put bandaids on His owies. But my mom said He is all better now. I love Jesus.”

 This is a picture my daughter took of Clara on April 6, 2015. It is a treasure.

Candace says: “I found Clara in my room with my Christus statue down from my dresser, which I normally don’t let her play with. But as soon as I saw what she was doing… my heart melted! She had gotten out a box of bandaids and had carefully placed a bandaid over each of Jesus’ “owies” on the Christus. Clara, age 3 then, said, ‘Jesus got owies. I’m goina make Him feel better.’ She calls the marks on Jesus’ hands, feet and side “owies” because I have taught her about Jesus in a simple way by saying “He got owies for us because He loves us.” I told Clara that I thought Jesus felt very happy that she had put bandaids on his owies. I told her that Jesus is all better now; His owies are all better.”

Thinking of  the approaching holiday season and Clara’s sweet, childlike, HOPEFUL attempt to help Jesus feel better… I am reminded of my search for JOY last Christmas. I wrote about it HERE and HERE. Reading these posts again and the Joy reports in between, I can see that looking for the word JOY was just a needed distraction from the grief I was  feeling then. It really was a blessing to have so many helping me in my JOY finding. Thank you all for your contributions of JOY last Christmas. I loved and needed all of it.

I have started my search again as Christmas is coming into the shopping scene. I’ve started early. There’s already some new, beautiful JOY out there to take pictures of and add to my JOY collecting.

I would like to let you all know that because of some very inspiring things I’ve heard and read lately, I have felt strongly to add HOPE to my search this year. It just feels right. The addition of HOPE fits right along with JOY and feels very right.

This Thanksgiving and Christmas season I will be focusing on JOY and HOPE!!!

I haven’t noticed much HOPE out there yet, maybe it’s because I haven’t been looking for it. I am optimistic that it is out there, to be found in more than just the written word.

“… Because of a perfect Son and His sacrifice for me… Where there was darkness, there is now light. Where there was despair and pain, there is JOY and HOPE.”   Thomas S. Monson

Would you like to join me? Do you need to look for JOY and HOPE too? You are most welcome to tag along!! I HOPE you will. Let me know what you find.

Yes, Clara… and to all the children in that program on Sunday… I, too, know that Jesus lives and loves me. His scars are proof of that. I, too, want to follow Him faithfully. I will not stop and I am not giving up the HOPE I have in Him just because of the last twenty-one life-altering months we have experienced without Ashton. I don’t have to completely understand it to be immensely grateful for the HOPE Christ’s Atonement brings.

Written by Faye

Ashton – Halloween – Age 8

Confession: I’m a “control freak.” I had a couple of conversations and experiences this week that were insightful. I hope to convey them clearly in my blog post today. My hope is that this is helpful for someone. If it’s not helpful for you, please set it aside; perhaps something else in this blog will be more useful.

I attended a medical conference this week and ran into another physician I had worked with 20 years ago. He and his wife invited me to sit with them during lunch yesterday. We chatted about how our respective families were doing. I felt like they should know about Ashton’s suicide in January 2014, so I updated them on that and how we are coping. I appreciated their love and comforting words. Paraphrasing, he said, “Being a physician, it may have been helpful for you to recognize that there are so many things over which you really don’t have control. Sometimes parents naively assume that they are going to mold their children into perfect human beings – only to find out that there is no such thing!” That was very comforting.

In another conversation, a friend shared with me a thought he heard in a Bible study, “If I had to survive today on the things for which I thanked God yesterday – could I?” That was a very thought-provoking reminder that everything I have came from God.

Today in Sunday school class, our lesson was on “Obedience.”[1] I felt the impression to make the following comment. I don’t know if it came from someone else or if it was an impression from the Holy Ghost:[2] “There are very few things over which I have ultimate control. However, I always have control over the attitude with which I approach my circumstances.”

One of the examples of obedience discussed in the lesson was Abraham, who was commanded to sacrifice his son, Isaac. The teacher asked, “How would that feel as a parent to be commanded to sacrifice one of your children?” Faye and I squeezed each other’s hands as we both thought of Ashton.

I will now write some in the singular. Faye and I have experienced this grief together, but I am inadequate in expressing the feelings of a mother and would not even attempt to do so.[3]

Yes, it was a sacrifice to send Ashton on his mission to Fiji. This is something that our resurrected Lord commanded His disciples to do – to “Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.”[4] This mandate was renewed through living prophets.[5] It was a sacrifice for me to watch Ashton struggle with depression while on his mission. Some have suggested that he developed depression and delusions[6] because he was on his mission. I choose to believe that he would have developed depression and delusions if he had stayed home, also. It was a sacrifice for me to watch him struggle with depression and delusions after he came home from his mission. It was very difficult that I, as a physician who tries to help people heal from their infirmities, could do nothing to help him feel better. I clearly remember a conversation I had with Ashton when he was driving me home from church meetings one Sunday. I said, “Ashton, I don’t feel like I should give you advice or counsel at this time, as I often have as your father. I feel like my job right now is to love you – and I can do that!” I did my very best to show and express my love to him. What a comfort that is to me!

Yes, it was a sacrifice for me to send Ashton on his mission – but I don’t think we could have stopped him from serving his mission; he knew that’s where he should be and he was going to serve, regardless of the challenges and obstacles he might face. Even though it has been a sacrifice for me, it has also been a privilege for me to learn all I have throughout this sacrifice. I would do it all over again. Ashton is OK. We’re going to be OK. I would do it all again.

The Holy Ghost is the third member of the Godhead (God, the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are the other two). He is a Personage of spirit, which allows Him to communicate with our spirits. He is also called the Comforter.[7] The comfort I have received from the Holy Ghost is something that I am inadequate in expressing[8] – but it is nonetheless very real.

We have worked hard at doing the big and little things to have our home be somewhere that the Holy Ghost feels welcome and comfortable. By doing so, our home has been a source of tremendous peace and comfort for me.

Another source of comfort is the sealing ordinances of the temple. A typical marriage ceremony includes the words, “Till death do us part.” In comparison, when Faye and I were married, the words used instead were, “For time and all eternity.” We are husband and wife after death, also. We are “sealed”[9] to one another and to God. The children born to us are also sealed to us throughout the eternities. We have found great comfort in attending the temple frequently to be reminded of these promises we made to God and to each other – and that He made to us – in the temple.

The Tucson, Arizona Temple groundbreaking ceremony was yesterday.[10] When the temple is completed, there will be an open house, where anyone who is interested can tour the temple and feel God’s love for His children as they keep His commandments. I invite all who are interested to attend the open house, to learn about sacred beliefs that have brought me such comfort and peace. I hope that you will have an open heart to the feelings that will come to you while you are there.[11]

I am amazed at how many things over which I have little or no control. Frankly, it’s also a relief that I mainly just need to worry about me – and that’s more than enough! I am grateful to know God, who has ultimate control over all things. I trust Him.

Written by Carter

[1] Gospel Principles, Chapter 35, “Obedience”

[2] Bible Dictionary, “Holy Ghost”

[3] “Because I Live, Ye Shall Live, Also.” This is a very comforting talk given by Elder Shayne M. Bowen about comfort available to parents who have lost children through death.

[4] Mark 16:15

[5] See Doctrine and Covenants 68:8 for one example

[6] Ashtonslegacy.com, post April 8, 2015

[7] Bible Dictionary, “Comforter”

[8] “An Unspeakable Gift from God”

[9] Christ told his apostle, Peter, “And I will give unto thee the keys of heaven, and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven…” Matt 16:19

[10] “Ground Broken for Temples in Chile and the U.S.”

[11] Tucson Arizona Temple

A couple of months ago, Faye and I watched a Disney Pixar movie, “Inside Out.”[1] I really didn’t know anything about it, just went as an “obedient husband.” I was surprised by the emotions that arose during the movie as I identified with the main character, Riley, and the feeling she had as she grew up and experienced change and loss in her life. Because there were others in the theater, I suppressed my sobs as I thought about the sadness I have felt since Ashton’s death. When we got into the car after the movie, Faye drove and I sobbed like a baby for several minutes in the passenger seat.

As a boy, I cried easily. I was sometimes even called a “cry-baby.” To some degree, I think the underlying message as I grew up was, “Big boys don’t cry.” I certainly don’t cry as easily as I did as a boy, but I still come to tears easier (I think) than many men. As a physician, I wonder if that’s one reason why men tend to die earlier than women: might they suppress and “stuff” their emotions? Might those accumulated “stuffed” emotions manifest itself later in heart disease and heart attacks? Since Ashton’s death, the ability to cry has been a blessing beyond my ability to describe; I think I would have exploded if I had not been able to cry.

I also wonder if it’s somehow “easier” or “more socially acceptable” for a man to be angry than to be sad. As an example: when Faye and I had been married a few years, we were meeting with a counselor to help us through some difficult issues we faced individually and as a couple. In one session, I mentioned that I was angry about something that had happened. The counselor asked me to explain and clarify that more. As I did, I surprised myself as I started to cry. It turns out that the “real” emotion I felt was sadness, but the emotion I showed was anger. That was an insightful experience into my own emotions.

Some things I was reminded of from “Inside Out”: it’s important to acknowledge and name our emotions; similarly, it’s important to accept and validate our emotions. The same would go for our response to others’ emotions: acknowledge, name, accept and validate – not that we want to be an amateur psychologist when someone is in a moment of crisis, but it might be helpful to internally remind ourselves of what the other person might be experiencing.

From the Wikipedia article,[2] the main writer of the film’s story tells about the emotions and discouragement he felt as he was writing the storyline: “He soon reached a breakthrough: that emotions are meant to connect people together, and that relationships are the most important things in life.”

When the story was pitched to [one of the potential actresses – before accepting her part], she broke down in tears, explaining “I just think it’s really beautiful that you guys are making a story that tells kids that it’s difficult to grow up and it’s OK to be sad about it.”[3]

Lance B. Wickman said of grief, “…[Grief] is the natural by product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life it’s richness and meaning.”[4] I believe that. Grief is heart wrenching at times, but it’s a small price to pay for the love I feel for Ashton.

I think it must be hard for others to watch us grieve. Faye has had some health challenges over the past few years. Sometimes it will seem like she is doing better, but then will have setbacks. I sometimes find myself thinking, “I thought she was doing better!” I wonder if it’s like that with others who are watching us grieve – and that’s OK. I appreciate their love and concern. They really WANT us to feel better! One of Shakespeare’s characters, Benedick, says, “Well, everyone can master a grief but he that has it.”[5] A family member whose 15-year-old son died several years ago said, “You don’t get over missing them; you just get used to missing them.” I am finding this to be true for me.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to someone in our audience. I don’t receive any royalties for endorsements, but, again, I highly recommend “Inside Out.” I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Written by Carter

**Pictures are of Ashton and Jordan at Jordan & Rubi’s wedding reception in Honduras – September 2013

[1] This Wikepedia article gives a very good description of the movie, if you’re interested: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inside_Out_(2015_film).

[2] See # 1 above.

[3] See #1 above.

[4] “But If Not,” Ensign 2002.

[5] “Much Ado about Nothing,” google books.

I haven’t written a post for our blog in about three months. Honestly, I haven’t felt the need to write — but recently I have felt like there are people in my “audience” who are concerned about me and need to hear how I’m doing. I appreciate everyone’s ongoing love and support. It means more than I can express to feel that from you.

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot about trusting God lately. Yesterday, I wondered to myself, “Is Ashton doing OK now? Will he be OK in the eternities?” I know the circumstances are different, but the phrase, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” sometimes comes to mind. With Ashton’s “broken mind,” I don’t think he knew what he was doing. I don’t think he is accountable. Yesterday (and other times) I guess I needed some divine reassurance. The thought that came to me that I believe was from God: Ashton will be judged by God and no one else. My job at this point is to trust God.

The following are some things that have helped me remember to trust God:

In Christ’s original church, there was a priesthood office of “evangelist.” Today, that same priesthood office is called “patriarch.” A congregation in Christ’s modern church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) is called a “ward” and has roughly 300 members. A group of roughly 10 wards is called a “stake.” Isaiah (see 33:20 and 54:2) compares Zion to a tent, with stakes which help to hold it up. One definition of “Zion” today is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Today there are over 3000 “stakes” to help hold up Zion. The northern half of Cochise County of Arizona comprises the St. David Arizona Stake.

Each stake has a patriarch. The current patriarch in my stake is a schoolteacher who lives in Pomerene, Arizona. He is an ordinary man, with an ordinary occupation, probably much like his predecessor evangelists in Christ’s original church. However, the main responsibility of his priesthood office is to pronounce what are called “patriarchal blessings” to the members of the stake. Each church member is encouraged to receive one of these blessings in their lifetime. The patriarch prayerfully prepares himself, places his hands upon the recipient’s head and pronounces a personal and private blessing that is guided by God through the spirit of prophesy and revelation to help the recipient know what blessings God has in store for them. Patriarchal blessings have been said to “contain chapters from [an individual’s] life’s book of possibilities” (Thomas S. Monson, “Your Celestial Journey”). The patriarchal blessing is recorded and then transcribed so the recipient can read and reflect on it later in their life.

When I was 17-years-old, my stake patriarch was Glen Goodman, again an ordinary man whose occupation was the postmaster.  He has since passed away. At the time of my blessing, I didn’t know exactly what some of the statements in the blessing were referring to, but they are evidence to me now that God knows me and He was helping me prepare for the challenges I am facing now – 36 years later. Among other things, my patriarchal blessing states, “I bless you with faith in the Lord to follow him, and to believe in Him, and to trust Him in all things.”

These promises are evidence to me that God knows me and loves me. He knows the beginning from the end. When I was 17, He knew that I would be dealing with Ashton’s suicide today. He gave me these blessings through an ordinary man to remind me of His love for me and to remind me that I need to trust Him. Proverbs tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Shortly after Ashton’s death, a friend reminded me that I need to trust God with ALL my heart – not just the part of my heart that I understand. And there’s a lot that I don’t understand right now – for sure! Since Ashton’s death, this scripture has been one of my anchors. For a time, I read it aloud nearly every morning and then would say aloud, “I believe that!”

During Christ’s ministry, “…many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou has the words of eternal life.” (John 6:66-68)

“The Lord’s way is not hard. Life is hard, not the gospel. ‘There is an opposition in all things,’ everywhere, for everyone. Life is hard for all of us, but life is also simple. We have only two choices. We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love, and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone—without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair. And I ask, which way is easier?” (Lawrence E. Corbridge, “The Way”)

In The Book of Mormon, the prophet Nephi said, “…I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions… O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever…” (2 Nephi 4: 19-35).

The Book of Mormon later teaches about a people who were miraculously delivered by God out of bondage to their enemies. Their prophet-king reminded them, “[God] did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him” (Mosiah 29:20).

In a way, I have been in “bondage” to grief. As I have trusted God, He has delivered me from the pain and anguish that often accompanies that grief. I humbly acknowledge His deliverance.

Jeffery R. Holland (“Look to God and Live“) tells a story about his neighbor, Katie Lewis, whose older brother was battling leukemia:

As [Katie’s mother] entered her home [one day], four-year-old Katie ran up to her with love in her eyes and a crumpled sheaf of papers in her hand. Holding the papers out to her mother, she said enthusiastically, “Mommy, do you know what these are?”

[Katie’s mother] said frankly her first impulse was to deflect Katie’s zeal and say she didn’t feel like playing just then. But she thought of her children—all her children—and the possible regret of missed opportunities and little lives that pass too swiftly. So she smiled through her sorrow and said, “No, Katie. I don’t know what they are. Please tell me.”

“They are the scriptures,” Katie beamed back, “and do you know what they say?”

[Katie’s mother] stopped smiling, gazed deeply at this little child, knelt down to her level, and said, “Tell me, Katie. What do the scriptures say?”

“They say, ‘Trust Jesus.’” And then she was gone.

[Katie’s mother] said that as she stood back up, holding a fistful of her four-year-old’s scribbling, she felt near-tangible arms of peace encircle her weary soul and a divine stillness calm her troubled heart.

Katie Lewis, … I’m with you. … I too say, ‘Trust Jesus.’…

Oh, dearly, dearly has he loved!

And we must love him too,

And trust in his redeeming blood,

And try his works to do. (Hymns, “There is a Green Hill Far Away”)

Thanks again for your love and support. I also humbly acknowledge God’s hand, His love and His sustaining influence. I’m grateful for the opportunities that life has given me to choose to believe and to trust Him.

Written by Carter