I wrote this at the beginning of May. I wasn’t going to post it, but now feel the need to.
Today is Sunday May 1, 2016 – Yesterday was a bless-ed day and I need to write about it. I have been wondering if I could ever see and feel hope again while still living on this earth. I have been wondering if we were ever going to make it through this life of grief. Ashton’s death has been……… I can’t even describe the struggle it has been for me…..the right words do not come. Carter, Candace, Jordan, Jacob and I did something yesterday that changed my wondering. We met with Carla Mannes, our grief counselor. We have been trying to schedule a family session with her ever since Jacob returned from his mission in August of 2015. Nothing ever worked for everyone’s schedule. Yesterday was Ashton’s birthday……the perfect day to meet together and do this. I picked up Jacob from college in Thatcher on Friday night. Candace met us at 8:30 when we left our home in St. David. We picked up Jordan in Tucson and were on our way. We met at Carla’s house in Mesa at 1:00. We were there for 4 1/2 glorious hours! Ashton was with us. I felt him!
April 30, 2016 in Carla Mannes’ home
That family counseling session was a culmination of the hope that has been building in me ever since this last Easter season. Something clicked for me this Easter and I have been able to start feeling hope again. I can look ahead… Look to the future and see a happy life waiting for me. This session helped me include my family in that hope and happiness. Heavenly Father let time stand still for us somehow….. I don’t know how that happened….. But it was such a bless-ed time to be together in such a healing way that we needed so badly.
This morning as we we listened to Music and the Spoken Word on the radio , the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation”, came on. I heard this verse loud and clear:
Fear not, I am with thee, oh be not dismayed.
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand.
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
I feel that I am standing now….. Not straight, not tall yet on the inside …. But I can stand. With the help of my God and His omnipotent aid, I am strengthened and can stand and look ahead to face a future that I can see now. I feel hope for my children…..hope for their future and their happiness.
I want to sing, Hosanna! Hallelujah! ……with Ashton and the angels of heaven!!! True hope is an AMAZING thing to feel. I’ve been looking for it…. and joy…. with the words all over my home. I finally was able to take most of them down when I could truly feel it inside me.
We will be having cake with raspberries (Ashton’s favorite ) and blowing up balloons today after church, but yesterday was the real celebration as a family met all together to heal and feel God’s love for us as we miss our Ashton. I know now that I can go on and still live joyfully on this earth without him for a time. God has a plan for each of us, as he has for Ashton. I am so grateful for God’s love, His strength, His Son…..and His amazing grace.
Thank you, Carla.
Written by Faye
