A couple of people have unsubscribed from my blog after I posted something that is more spiritual in nature. That kind of bothered me initially, but, as I thought about it more, I realized that it would not be authentic of me to NOT share something that is so foundational for me. My spiritual and religious beliefs is such a fundamental part of who I am that I cannot NOT share it. I realize that there are many that believe and feel differently. I humbly respect and acknowledge those viewpoints. I’m also grateful to live in a country where disagreeing (with kindness and civility) is considered to be healthy and is even encouraged. I sincerely hope that those who unsubscribe or unfollow have their needs met elsewhere.
    As I mentioned in a previous post, I see a psychiatrist for my depression. At my last appointment, he asked me some thought-provoking questions regarding Ashton’s death: Are you angry with God? Are you angry with life? Are you angry with Ashton? Are you angry with Faye? Are you angry with yourself? Are you angry with anyone else? I do not judge or condemn anyone who answers “yes” to any of these questions. However, I honestly can say “no” to every question he asked. I regret that I had a gun that Ashton used to take his own life. However, I had asked him a few weeks before his death if he was suicidal and he said “no.” In retrospect, I think he was determined to take his own life and the method would have been something different had I NOT had a gun. God has helped take away the “coulda-woulda-shoudas” surrounding Ashton’s death. He has given me peace. I heard a talk recently about a woman who became blind when she was about 9 years old. She said, “To those who ask me if I am angry because I am blind, I respond, ‘Who would I be angry with? Heavenly Father is in this with me; I am not alone. He is with me all the time.'” I echo those sentiments. I am grateful for God’s guiding hand that has helped me to heal. I likewise am not alone. He is with me all the time.
    When Ashton died, we chose to donate his corneas, the skin on his back and his ankle bones to others who could use them. His heart valves were damaged, so we could not donate those. When we were serving in Peru, there was a sister missionary from Peru who developed a severe corneal infection while serving in another country. To save her eye, the doctors in that country had to cut out her cornea and give her a temporary transplant until the infection resolved, which took about 6 months. Then I helped facilitate a corneal transplant where the donor was from the US. Because the corneal infection happened on her mission, the Church paid for this medical care. It was bittersweet for me to be on the “other side” of a corneal transplant; I know something of the sadness of the donor family, but was now seeing the hope for sight again on the part of the recipient. When we returned home in October, I sent a letter through the donor network, asking them to forward it to the two recipients of Ashton’s corneas. I followed the donor network’s suggested format for these letters, which they handle frequently. I shared Ashton’s first name, how old he was, what he liked to do, etc. Just this week, we received a letter from one of his cornea recipients. She also shared her first name, what she likes to do and how Ashton’s cornea has helped improve her quality of life. It was hard to be reminded of our son’s death, but I was grateful to know that someone else’s life was improved. Not coincidentally, I also saw a patient this week who had a heart valve transplant. When I referred to the valve as having come from a “cadaver,” he said, “I prefer to use the word ‘donor.'” I’m glad he said that; I like thinking of Ashton as a “donor,” rather than a “cadaver,” also.
    Faye and I attended the TucsonSurvivors of Suicide support group Thursday evening. The first time we went (in May), I kind of dreaded going, but felt lighter and lifted afterward. This time, while I didn’t know exactly how it would go, who would be there, etc., I looked forward to going more than I did the first time. The American Association of Suicidology publishes a 30-page booklet entitled, “A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide,” which I highly recommend for others in our situation. One paragraph states, “Others may tire of talking about [your loved one’s suicide] long before you do. Talking through your feelings and fears is essential for recovery from your trauma. Unfortunately, while your closest supporters may be willing to listen and share with you for a few weeks or months, there’s likely to come a time when their thoughts move on from the suicide while yours are still racing. This is why support groups are so valuable. Fellow survivors understand what you’re feeling in a way that even your closest friends cannot. Your fellow group members will never grow weary of offering supportive words and sympathetic ears.”
    Faye and I received our mission call to serve in the Pacific Area starting in December. I will be Area Medical Adviser (AMA) again, with similar duties to what I had in Peru. We will live in Auckland, New Zealand. We “signed up” for this mission at the same time as our Peru mission (in the fall of 2015). We have been looking forward to serving in the same part of the world as Ashton did when he was a missionary; he served in Fiji. The Church leader in Salt Lake City who oversees AMAs called us a couple weeks ago and said we may not be able to serve in New Zealand because the government of New Zealand is very strict with who they allow into their country. Most people have three leaflets in their aortic heart valve; I only have two. Those with three leaflets tend to wear out those leaflets, requiring surgery to replace the valve in their 70’s; those with two leaflets tend to wear theirs out ten years earlier. I guess New Zealand might not want to take a chance that my valve will wear out in my 50’s. Faye and I fasted and prayed and took the matter to the Lord in His temple in The Gila Valley. We both felt like we should proceed with our plans to serve in New Zealand, understanding that the mission is not about us; that it is about serving wherever the Lord needs us. We are praying for a miracle and that we will be allowed to serve in New Zealand. “But if not,” we will serve wherever we are assigned. As I was praying this week, the words came into my mind, “Be still, and know that I am God.” I almost laughed out loud when that happened because it was so clear what I needed to do: trust God. I mentioned this experience to my cousin, who said, “Isn’t it a relief when you come to that realization?! You don’t need to worry about the outcome; it is in God’s hands!” Yes! I can do that! I can trust God!
    Written by Carter

    I decided to answer some questions today. I do this partly for myself, but also for others who might want to know my responses. These responses are among the “anchors” in my life that have allowed me to weather and even thrive amidst the inevitable storms of my life.

• How do I feel about Jesus Christ?
  

    I love Jesus Christ with all my heart. I know that He loves me. He is my Savior and Redeemer. He knows how to succor and bring comfort when I feel sad, lonely, angry or depressed. He knows exactly how I feel because He submitted Himself to His Father’s will by coming to this earth, taking upon Himself a mortal body and humbling Himself, beginning with His birth in a manger and ending with His death on a cross. I have faith and trust that He knows what is best for me better than I do.

• Why do I stay in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

    As a boy, I stayed because it was something familiar to me; it was what the rest of my family did…and it seemed to bring joy and satisfaction to their lives. Why do I stay now as a 56-year-old man? Because I believe that God, the Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, did in fact appear to the boy Joseph Smith in a grove of trees in upstate New York in 1820. I believe that with all my heart. I have asked God if that is true. I have examined the Book of Mormon and other evidences of that event. They all confirm to me that this heavenly vision did indeed occur.

• Why do I believe that the Book of Mormon is scripture?

    I have read at least one verse in the Book of Mormon every day for at least 30 years (maybe missing 5 days during that time). As I have read, I have tried to stay open and humble to God’s impressions. He has helped me to know that it is His word through the witness of the Holy Ghost, which speaks to my heart and to my spirit through feelings of peace. Joseph Smith promised that a man would get nearer to God by abiding by the precepts in the Book of Mormon than by any other book. That has been the case for me; it is the most influential book I have ever read.

• Where do I get my peace?

    From knowing that God has a plan for His children, including me. From trusting that plan. From knowing that I lived with God before I came to this earth and that I will live again after this lifetime; this life is only a part of my eternal existence. I don’t know how things will work out in the end…but I know that God does. 

• Why does it matter that there is a prophet in 2019 and that he has something to say?

    Because that is God’s pattern throughout this earth’s history: He speaks through mortal men called prophets. He tells them what He wants His children to know at that time. I need to know what God said to Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses and Peter. I am grateful to have the Holy Bible to help me know that. However, it gives me great comfort to know that God lives and still has something to say to me today. He cares about what I am doing enough that He still speaks through His prophet to help me navigate the difficulties in my life today, which are different than they were in the days of prior prophets.

• How do I know Russell M. Nelson is a real prophet?

    As I look at his life, I can see that the Lord has been preparing President Nelson to lead His church today. Even more important, the Holy Ghost has spoken to my heart and spirit, confirming that what President Nelson teaches and asks me to do is coming from God. He is speaking the mind and will of God to me today. As I strive to implement what he has asked me to do, I can see that Lord’s guidance and blessings in my life.

• Why do I believe?

    When Ashton died, a woman in the community whom I respect and who is from another Christian denomination asked me, “How do people get through things like this without God?” My response, “I don’t know…and I don’t want to find out!” It has been hard enough grieving WITH God’s guidance; I can’t imagine trying to do this on my own. When Christ asked his disciples, “Will ye also go away?” Peter’s response was, “Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.” I echo Peter’s words.

• What does it feel like to believe?

    It feels peaceful. It feels calm. I feel comfort. I feel peace. I feel love from God. I feel like He is guiding me throughout my life. I want to get along with my neighbor. I want to serve as Christ did. I want to be an instrument in God’s hands to serve His children.

• Did I ever doubt? How did I get through it?

    I don’t remember ever doubting. I have had questions, but I have tried to focus on the “big questions” in life: “Is there a God?” and “Does He love me?” Knowing the answer to those two questions has helped me navigate through any other questions I have had.

• What does Jesus Christ mean to me?

    He means everything to me. He is central to my existence. He is central to God’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. Because of Jesus Christ, I can be forgiven of my sins and shortcomings. I can be with my family throughout the eternities. Elder Renlund told us that there are some things that Ashton will need to learn and unlearn in the Spirit World, but reminded us that the power of the sealing ordinances and covenants of the temple are real. Ashton will be our son throughout the eternities. I don’t know exactly what that will look like that, but I trust that God does. I know that whatever the outcome, it will be because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

    I hope these thoughts are helpful for someone out there. It has been helpful for me to write them down.