Written by Carter: As the restrictions related to the pandemic are lifting, it was good to see and hear students playing soccer at the school across the street from our flat. Things had been so quiet here for so long that it was kinda “eerie.”

A doctor I met in South America called me to ask for advice about a missionary who was suicidal. The doctor knew about Ashton. He said something very kind: “There are others I could have called about the next steps to take…but I knew that you would help me bring compassion to those steps.” It was good to hear from that doctor/friend again!  

I am taking the “40-Day Joy Challenge” again. On one of the days, I was reminded that I am a beautiful, wonderful child of God! I am a kid of The King!…and so are you! What a liberating thought that is!   

We had a nice discussion with the two senior sister missionaries for our “home Sunday School” today. The topic was “I can be a positive influence in my community.” The Holy Ghost invited me to repent and do better. He reminded me that “…contention…is of the devil…;” that “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile…;” that the priesthood is not something I “put on” (like a cloak) when officiating in the ordinances of the gospel, but something I “wear” all the time and that my thoughts, words and actions should reflect the Savior’s influence in my life at all times and in all places; that I can disagree without being disagreeable; that the “collective wisdom” of society is usually better than my own opinions and perspectives by themselves. Other people bring experiences and perspectives that are valuable. I can learn from them, even if I don’t agree with them. Their different opinions don’t make them dishonest or ignorant; they just see things differently than I do. What a blessing to live (when not on a mission) in the United States of America, where we govern ourselves through a democratic republic! It gets kinda messy sometimes, but it’s still the best form of government when compared to all others; it’s the best humankind can do until the One Perfect King (Jesus Christ) comes to reign personally upon the earth.

We had another WhatsApp video lesson with our Venezuelan “son,” his wife and son who are living in Peru. What a blessing to be involved as they learn the gospel! The pandemic has been hard for them, but I think it has blessed them by allowing them to slow down and study the gospel. They had some great questions when we met! There are still restrictions in Peru that prevent their being baptized. Prayers!

I heard these two quotes this week:

1. “My faith is based on trust and not on blessings.”
2. “For the simplicity on this side of complexity, I wouldn’t give you a fig. But for the simplicity on the other side of complexity, for that I would give you anything I have.” (Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.) My take: while we all face challenges in life, one of the positive byproducts is the opportunity to choose the direction we will take our lives on “the other side” of those problems. Many times, the answers lie in the simplicity of trust in God and His plan for our lives. That is a deliberate choice we have the opportunity to make.

I solemnly proclaim that God, the Father, gave us the divine gift, the incomparable life and the infinite atoning sacrifice of His Divine Son, Jesus Christ.

May 27th, 2020 – Wednesday

In one Zoom meeting I participated in during the pandemic, there was a sister who was the last to join. When her video came up on my screen, I heard these words, “Ask her to walk with you.” After the meeting, those words would not leave me. One little problem for me in asking, would mean I would have to walk too if she said yes! I was not walking at the time and was nervous about starting. I wanted to start though… so I sent her a text, “Would you like to walk with me sometime?” She did… and we have been walking buddies ever since. We know each other. We work together. She lives down the hall and up one floor. 

It turns out… she loves the hills! We walk hilly roads quite often.

I have to confess…. I’m a flatlander at heart. I love easy. I love comfort. I love strolling. Sybil Road is my favorite place to walk. Those from my little town will know what I’m talking about. No hills, just a long country road with big mulberry trees to shade you from the morning sun. My husband’s Mayberry family and others have pecan orchards, farms and animals along the way that make it a beautiful,  peaceful, happy walk. It really is a remarkable piece of heaven, not typical in the Arizona desert.          

I’ve had some “hills” lately, struggling with some aspects of Ashton’s organ donation. I sure was NOT thankful for this hill when I was climbing it. Well… that hill is behind me now and I can see God’s hand. I learned something. I learned the blessing that forgiveness is. It is freedom. I am free from that burden.

In my morning prayer I found myself saying the words that are the title of this post, “I’m thankful for the hills.” 

This same morning my friend and I walked in a light rain, up and down some hills with my umbrella for an hour. The first week I started walking those hills, I was exhausted. Had to take a nap in the afternoon. I am stronger now; I can walk those hills. I feel great when I get home.

In New Zealand they don’t let the rain stop them. They are out in it. They just put their raincoats on and go about their day. We are looking for raincoats. We plan to keep walking no matter the weather. Having a friend to walk and talk with on these physical rainy hills makes it more bearable and enjoyable.

I AM so thankful for both kinds of hills. Not while I’m climbing them, but it sure helps me really appreciate the “Sibyl Roads”, and the lightness of the flatlands of my life. The physical hills make my body stronger. The emotional ones teach me SO MUCH and help strengthen my spirit.

I acknowledge my God…. my Strength, my Guide, my Ultimate Friend, walking these emotional hills of life beside me and helping me climb them.

Written by Faye

Faye:

Our letter is late because we went on a little trip to the Bay of Islands with Brent & Ella Romney. It’s a 3 hour drive from where we live. We left at about noon after our Sunday meetings and brought our lunch with us to eat in the car. There was a waterfall on the way there not too far off the highway and we stopped to see it. It was drizzly and misty there. So Beautiful! The drive was along rolling green hills passing farms with lots of cows and sheep. We arrived in time to cook dinner at the little place we rented in Paihia. On Monday we went to a park where the treaty was signed between New Zealand & England, so they would work together instead of fight each other. We learned a lot about the Maori culture, and saw our first Maori performance. There were only 5 of them but could they ever SING! That was the highlight of the whole trip for me. Tattooing is very popular in the Maori culture, even the woman get tattoos. We also learned a lot about New Zealand. We ate at a little Mexican restaurant for lunch and it was GOOD! We were all surprised. The Romney’s are from El Paso and now live in Dallas, so they are missing Mexican food too. I found out from the restaurant owner where to get good chili powder so I can make some enchiladas. I think I’ve mentioned before that the chili powder here is pure cayenne. Not the chili powder we use. 

We took a ferry across the bay to visit the town of Russell. It’s the very first city in New Zealand. I experienced a tender mercy from the Lord while we were there. When moving my purse from one shoulder to the the other my phone dropped out. I picked it up and kept walking. We crossed the street to look at another shop and while we were in there, someone came in and yelled loudly, “Did anyone lose their wallet?” He was holding my black wallet! It must have fallen out when my phone fell out and I didn’t realize it. Someone had picked it up and put it on a teller machine close to where I dropped it. Nothing had been taken.  I had brought some extra cash on this trip, but everything was in there and I was so grateful. My LIFE is in that wallet! I was so grateful and wanted to hug that young man who brought it to me. The Lord is so good to me.

We made it home in time to attend the virtual Family Home Evening with the senior missionaries at 7:00. It turned out to be a trivia game about New Zealand. I knew the answers to 3 more questions than I would have known because of our trip. At the end they had us tell 2 things we loved about New Zealand. Mine were that I love the beautiful ocean around it and I LOVE that they speak ENGLISH! It’s my favorite language. 

The fire alarm went off at 3:00 am last night. No fire. Just alarms being set off somehow. That is the 4th time in the 5 months we have been here. It was raining, so many of us huddled inside on the ground floor. I had time to check our mail and found a card that my sister had mailed April 2nd! I have no idea why it took so long to here. Everything else gets here in about 10 days. It was a nice surprise to get at that hour of the morning!

I see the hand of the Lord all around me. He has heard our prayers and accepted of our fasting in this pandemic. 

I see Him now in the people and beauties of New Zealand, and I’m grateful to mingle with the kind, chatty people and experience the breathtaking beauty here again. We are receiving relief from the pandemic. 

I hear Him now in the increased noisy traffic outside our apartment. Before the pandemic, I let those loud, rumbly motorcycles get under my skin. Now when I hear them I think of how our life is becoming more normalized.

I see Him in the busyness of the stores, restaurants and shops that are opened again. He is strengthening the economy.

We still pray for those things President Nelson asked us to pray for, along with the health care workers to be protected.

I also see Him in the lives of our families who we miss and are away from right now. We have prayed for them to be safe and protected during this pandemic and they have been. He has answered our prayers.

I feel Him in the help I receive from heaven when the hard things from Ashton’s death come at times. I feel His help. I feel His love….. and I am so very grateful.

Carter:

We renewed our temple recommends with Pres. Walker. He and his wife go home July 1. There may need to be a temporary president over the mission until the new president can get here — with all the coronavirus delays.

I attended a video call to discuss a patient who might have cancer – and whether they should go to another country to have that treated. I feel like the patient’s situation was considered with an abundance of compassion.

We had a couple of more discussions with my Venezuelan “son“ and his family, who are in Lima. The plan is still for them to be baptized on May 30, but that depends on whether current coronavirus restrictions there will be relaxed by then. Prayers!

I attended a video call with other suicide loss survivors — I knew some of them from the group we attended in Tucson! It was good to see them again! I am optimistic that this group will be very helpful for us – and that we will be able to help others who are grieving.

I was able to speak to two missionaries from Colombia who are serving in New Zealand. They speak pretty good English, but the mission nurse wanted to make sure that language was not an impediment to complete mutual understanding. It was great to be able to speak Spanish! One of the missionaries’ father and grandfather were from Maracaibo, Venezuela, where I served my mission as a young man. His grandfather was one of the first converts there.

There are a lot of cyclists on the roads near where we live. It’s been interesting thing to me that I have not missed cycling all that much. I’m grateful to Heavenly Father for “tempering“ that love of mine. I’ve also had the thought that if I were to get injured in a cycling crash, it could really impact my ability to serve and even to stay here.

I completed the 40-Day Joy Challenge by Tommy Newberry. I highly recommend it. It’s free! I’m going to modify a couple of inspirational affirmations from the program: “I am a forgiving, repenting and learning machine.“ As I write this, I think of my Mother, who very much wanted to “Do the right thing“ and had an insatiable desire to learn.

May I pay a tribute to my children in law — and their parents? When our oldest Richardson niece, Sarah Innes, got married, I was profoundly impressed with what an impact our children’s future spouses have on our future grandchildren. All of our children were still living at home at that time. Faye and I started praying for the parents of our children’s future spouses – that they would raise their children in love and righteousness. I am grateful to say that those prayers have been answered. Jonathan, Rubi and Gracia, I love you! Please tell your parents thank you for how they raised you!

I solemnly proclaim that God loves his children and every nation of the world. What comforting doctrine that is! I believe it with all my heart!

We had a fun family home evening with the other senior missionaries Monday night. We played a game where everyone submitted something unusual about themselves that everyone might not know – and everyone else tried to guess who belonged each unusual item. It sure is fun being together with the other senior missionaries! It has been one of the “unanticipated blessings” of serving our missions.

Because of scheduling conflicts, the discussions with my Venezuelan “son“ and his wife were rescheduled several times, so we only had one video discussion this week. It was about “The Lord’s Law of Health“ (Word of Wisdom). There was a wonderful spirit present. They are already following this commandment! What a wonderful family! What a blessing for me to have met them! I look forward to the day —whenever that is — when I can give them a great big hug!

I finished listening to a book entitled Divine Signatures, by Gerald N. Lund. In chapter 13 of that book, he tells about a woman who was at the point of taking her own life, but felt an impression to stop. (See that chapter for more details). I have asked myself why the Lord didn’t stop Ashton from taking his own life? My response: I don’t know, but I trust God. I trust his love. I trust his justice. I trust his mercy. My faith is in Him…and does not depend on outcomes.

When I am so extremely tired in the midst of grief, I sometimes wonder what the physiology is behind that fatigue? Does my serotonin (or other chemical/hormone) level drop? Am I subconsciously looking for a way to “escape“ from the grief? Is that what my body needs at the time to heal? Again, I don’t know, but wanted to share some of my musings.

When I was in high school, I was in a car accident and cracked or bruised one of my ribs. I called a couple of girls my age to tell them about the accident. Somehow another girl in our high school found out about those calls. She teased me, saying “Did you call them so you can get sympathy?“ For several months, whenever she would see me, she would continue to tease me and say just, “Sympathy, huh?!“ When I was about five years old, I was barefoot and stepped on a piece of glass. The resulting cut on my foot required several stitches. I remember enjoying the attention of others wanting to see the cut on my foot. It reminds me of the story of Tom Sawyer being punished by having to whitewash their fence. He then cunningly tricked his friends into whitewashing the fence for him. One of his friends “paid“ for his “privilege“ of whitewashing the fence by promising to show Tom his sore toe. “Sympathy, huh?!“ To some degree, yes, I think I share how I am feeling because it feels good to have others reach out in love and support. If I’m going to make a mistake, it’s probably going to be on the side of sharing more rather than less. I’m grateful for the charity of those who indulge what I have written.

I found a website called “grief.com.” It has lists of some of the best and worst things to say to someone in grief. (I refer you to that website for the complete lists.) For me, it was enough to hear the words, “I am so sorry for your loss.“ I heard that a lot, but don’t think I could ever have heard it too much. It never felt trite to me. Bernie Christiansen was an elderly man in the community who passed away several weeks ago. After Ashton died, he said to me, “I am available with a listening ear at any hour of the day or night. I mean it – including at 2 o’clock when you can’t sleep.” I saw him several months later and he said, “Do you remember what I said about calling me in the middle of the night? Again, I mean it!“ I never did call him, but it meant so much to me to know that he knew that I might have sleepless nights from the grief. I really appreciated that.

I am reminded today what a blessing good friends are! Some of my high school buddies invited us to dinner before we left from the US in December; it was great to be with them again! Faye’s mother took some soup and homemade bread to Faye’s friend when the friend’s mother died. The friend wanted to decline the offer, but Faye’s mother said, “But I NEED to bring you some soup and bread!” I tearfully thought of all those who reached out to us when Ashton died and brought “soup and bread”…or a multitude of other things. That’s what we do when we “…mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…” The women often bring something to eat. The men often perform some sort of physical labor. In our situation, this is what I saw men doing: setting up/taking down chairs for the funeral, digging/covering the grave, planting trees in honor of the deceased, going for walks/hikes/bike rides with me, inviting us over to eat antecuchos (a Peruvian delicacy) with them on the anniversary of Ashton’s death. These are only a few examples. One of my friends/mentors from my mission to Venezuela as a young man reached out to me on Facebook this week. That meant so much to me!

May I pay tribute to Max & Dona Kartchner? Max was the physician who delivered me when I was born. His signature is on my birth certificate. I considered him to be one of my mentors as a man and as a physician. After Ashton died, he and I were serving at the front desk in The Gila Valley Temple. It wasn’t very busy, so we chatted. He said something that still comforts me today: “Sometimes in medicine we do everything right. We select the appropriate antibiotic or other treatment. We perform the proper surgery. But sometimes the infection or injury or cancer is “overwhelming” and the patient still dies. Sometimes it’s the same with depression: it is treated appropriately; we and the patient do everything we can…but sometimes the depression is “overwhelming” and the patient still dies. Hearing that from him brought (and still brings) more solace to my broken heart than I can describe. As Max’s age advanced and his health deteriorated, I felt privileged that he selected me as his physician. He died at home on Christmas Eve a few years ago. His family called me and asked if I would be willing to come and “pronounce” his death. I felt humbled and honored to perform that sacred medical duty; the poignancy of my signing the death certificate of the man who signed my birth certificate was not lost on me. Dona is my mother’s first cousin. She was my Scout leader when I was 11-years-old and did a great job; I’m grateful for her sense of humor and patience with us rowdy boys. 

Since 2014, we have awarded the Ashton Richardson Mayberry Memorial Scholarship annually to a St. David High School graduating senior that we select based on attitude, morals, effort and need. Funds for the scholarship were donated by I-don’t-know-how-many very generous people when Ashton died. Max and Dona made a significant contribution to the scholarship fund. When we have been on missions, someone from our family has awarded the scholarship in our stead. Next year (2021) will be the last of 8 years that the scholarship will be awarded. What a blessing to be a part of this touching tribute to Ashton, allowing us to “pay it forward,” hoping that the recipients will return the favor to someone else in need.

The photos are from a trip we took yesterday with some friends to Tiritiri Matangi, a beautiful little island close to Auckland that is also a bird sanctuary. What a treat for our first post-pandemic-lockdown excursion!

Written by Carter. Photos by Faye.

Written by Carter: I have been writing thoughts down throughout the week. I’m not going to take the time to organize them, so this may be somewhat of a “free-association” letter. To begin, I wanted everyone to know that I’m feeling better than last week. To paraphrase another grieving parent, “We haven’t gotten over missing Ashton, but have gotten (somewhat) used to it.” Fortunately, the times I feel badly usually only happen every few months now and only last a few days (at most). They seem to especially coincide with significant dates, like the anniversary of his death, his birthday, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, etc. It’s mostly that I just miss Ashton. Other than Heavenly Father Himself, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a “perfect father;” I certainly wasn’t. However, I don’t have any major or persistent regrets about my interactions with Ashton when he was alive. I feel blessed that I’m not angry at Ashton or Faye or God or myself or anyone else; I understand that some people in my situation might feel all or some of these emotions. I’m not worried about the status of Ashton’s soul. When Elder Renlund said, “Your boy is fine,” that was enough for me. Again, I’m grateful for all of my living children and grandchildren; I have been undeservedly-blessed. I have an amazing wife. I had almost 22 years with Ashton; I have some great memories with him; I just miss him! I feel a little embarrassed being so open with how I’m feeling in these letters. I write this much detail for two reasons: a) it helps me sort through my feelings as I write and b) I hope it helps someone else in some way. My favorite TV series currently is “The Chosen,” which depicts the fictional backstory of Christ’s apostles and followers. In one scene, Simon Peter says to Jesus, “I don’t need to tell you what I’m thinking; you already know.” Jesus responds, “Simon, it does not take God’s wisdom to know what you are thinking!” — meaning that Simon’s thoughts and emotions are quite apparent most the time. When it comes to my writing, I must be like that somewhat, also. Janette LeSueur shared a podcast with us by Brene Brown where she interviews an expert who wrote a book about grief. He defines the last stage of grief is “meaning-making,” or finding “meaning” in whatever the tragedy is one is going through. I like that thought, which gives me some “scaffolding” (his word) upon which to build my healing. I believe there are some things that I can only learn through grief: for example, empathy for others who are going through devastating life losses; my heart goes out to them much more now than it did before Ashton’s death. The “darkness” of grief also helps me appreciate the “brightness” of happy times. As odd as this is for me to write, I wonder if the contrasting grief might even amplify the joy I am able to feel? As I thought about grief last week, an image came to mind of taking off in an airplane, which has to pass through a layer of clouds before breaking into the sunlight. I’m not a pilot, but my understanding is that the pilot must rely on his instruments while passing through the clouds; his vision is limited. Passing through grief may be similar: at times, my vision is “clouded.” I am grateful for the “instruments” that help me navigate during those times: prayer, scripture study, temple worship, service to others, my patriarchal blessing, living prophets and apostles, other Church leaders, the teachings of my parents, the Holy Ghost, God’s love, Christ’s Atonement, etc. As I prepared for this week’s Sunday School lesson, I read about how Christ descended below all things. An image came into my mind of all the collective sorrows and sins of the world being a huge, heavy mass. Christ positions Himself under that mass, places His shoulders under it…and lifts. I love that thought. Christ knows my suffering perfectly. I thought of how growth can be painful. When children are growing, sometimes they have achy muscles/bones/joints at night after an active day. There is an actual medical condition called “growing pains.” Whenever I have done a new activity with my muscles, they are often sore the next day. That tells me that what I did required some effort, which was probably good for those muscles. Of course, that can be overdone to cause injury. However, growth is sometimes/often painful! I heard a comparison between buffaloes and cows: when a snowstorm is approaching, the natural instinct of buffaloes is to walk toward the storm. The result is they get through the storm more quickly. Conversely, cows tend to walk away from the storm…prolonging the time they are in the storm. One selfish hope for me is that, by sharing how I feel, I am “walking into the storm.” Some “storms” of life I cannot just walk around, over or under; I can try to walk away from it or “negotiate” with it…but sometimes the best way is to “walk into the storm.” I’m striving to become an expert in my own healing. Our blog’s subtitle is “Grieving with God’s Guidance.” I don’t remember how we came up with that, but I still like it. After Ashton died, Mary Pat Lansing, one of my music teachers from 5th-12th grade (now close to 90-years old) asked me, “How do people get through things like this without God?” My response: “I don’t know…and I don’t want to find out.” I appreciate her helping me remember to look to my one and only true source of comfort and peace: God. I love learning about God, my Creator, which helps me understand one of His creations: me. As the Creator, He knows how I am made. He knows the laws I need to obey to be happy and joyful. The better I know Him, the better I understand His laws and the more likely I am to follow those laws. As you observe me walking my path, I hope you notice the path I’m trying to walk more than you do how I am walking the path. I have and do and will make mistakes. However, quoting Leo Tolstoy: “…If I know the way home [but] am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way simply because I am staggering from side to side?…give your help [to anyone — whether that be me or anyone else — trying to walk the road back to God.]” I must say that people have been very kind, patient, supportive, forgiving and understanding. Thank you. Please keep the kindness coming…and I’ll do my best to do the same for you!

Faye’s birthday was Monday. Several of the other senior missionaries gave her some very thoughtful gifts. Some “heart-attacked” our front door. Today is Mother’s Day; happy Mother’s Day to all you women out there…whether you have borne children or not; Eve was called “the mother of all living” before she bore any children.
I served my mission as a young man in Venezuela; those people hold a dear place in my heart. When we were in Peru, we got very close to two brothers from Venezuela who were about our children’s ages. We called them our “adopted sons.” We have kept in contact with them since we left Peru. A couple of Sundays ago, one of them texted me and asked what I was doing; I told him I was observing the Lord’s day of rest. He then asked me to share a scripture with him, which I did (John 10:16, pointing out that Christ’s “other sheep” are the people in the Americas, whom He visited after His Resurrection and Ascension into Heaven — as taught in the Book of Mormon). I also shared James 1:5, which is the scripture that prompted Joseph Smith to pray and ask God which church he should join and initiated the appearance of God, the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ to Joseph. About a week later, I asked “my son” if he would like to meet with the missionaries; he said “yes.” The My Tools app has a way to generate a referral, which I did. About 10 minutes after sending that referral, “my son” texted me that the missionaries in Peru had contacted him and set up a lesson the following day! I was able to participate with a 3-way video call with the missionaries, “my son” and his wife! They have had 3 lessons so far, with plans for baptism 30 May! Wow! The lessons have been very good; they both seem to be very engaged and sincere. My love for them and for their desire to follow God’s will for them has increased so much! What a miracle to be a part of this process using using technology!

I have been asked to “weigh in” on a tough medical case in one of the islands. A young Church member may have cancer. They need to have surgery on their abdomen to make that determination. However, the hygiene in the island is not very good; there are concerns that the patient will get an infection. We are considering moving her to another island that has very good medical facilities. However, the pandemic has complicated movement between countries. Church leaders are reluctant to approve Church funds unless they have exhausted all local resources and there is a reasonable chance that the patient will respond to treatment. Since I don’t know for sure whether there is cancer or not, I don’t know how to comment on the patient’s prognosis. Please pray for me as I give my input on this case.
Yesterday, I took two 25-question quizzes to maintain my family medicine board certification. I’m grateful that the Lord has prepared my mind to be a physician, that I’m able to help other people, that I enjoy learning. The quizzes are actually “fun” for me; it’s like working a puzzle. I know that’s weird, but I do. I’m also glad I live in a time and place where this is an option for me. Uncle Walter McRae (Grandmother’s brother) said he would have liked to be a physician, but he didn’t have the finances (in the 1920s-30s) to pursue that route. I’m grateful for all who made my education and training possible.

Written by Carter. This is the email I sent to my family. I felt like I should share it on the blog, also:

I had a zoom call to train the new Auckland mission president – and his wife (President & Sister Eccles) – on how do use the Church’s medical software. I look forward to serving with them. I had another video conference with the other health professionals in the area – to discuss missionaries that might need to go home. Numbers are quite low, so we didn’t have much to discuss this time. I also had a video call with the US hearing aid professional on how to get the device to work that streams the audio from the TV to my hearing aids. It was great to use technology over such a long distance in all these instances! It is no wonder that prophets of old marveled to see our day – with its many technological advancements!

That’s all for my updates on my area medical advisor responsibilities. I’m now going to talk about how I’ve been doing emotionally over the last week. Some people seem to want to know that. Some seem to be less interested – which is OK. To the latter group: please feel free to skip the rest of my letter. 

As we mentioned last week, April 30 was Ashton‘s 28th birthday. I even bought him a birthday card! Hannah Evans also painted a beautiful card and sent it to us. We heard from several in our “adopted family” that we met while serving in Peru. Because New Zealand is 17-19 hours ahead of the US, the other senior missionaries remembered Ashton on our Thursday – and people in the US remembered him on our Friday. We appreciated that very much, but it was exhausting to do that for two days. In the future, we’re going to find a way to consolidate those remembrances into one day – probably to coincide with the US date.

We debated a little bit on how much to tell the other Senior Missionaries about Ashton. They had a zoom family home evening last Monday. Faye and I were both struggling that day and didn’t feel like we could participate. I called our leader and told him why we were would not be there – and gave him permission to share with the other missionaries about Ashton‘s suicide and his upcoming birthday. I’m glad we did that. I don’t want to be a “poor me,“ but how do they know when they need to “mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort” – unless we tell them how we are feeling? If someone else were having a tough time, I would like to know so I can be helpful if possible. This is our “village” or “tribe” while we’re away from home. Several of them reached out to us with loving messages & emails. With chocolate! They gave us flowers and a card, brought us dinner and treats later in the week. I really appreciated that love and support. Faye made some brownies that we delivered to the other senior missionaries on Ashton’s birthday, complete with a birthday candle in the middle of each one! Faye is awesome at finding ways to serve others during difficult times!

One of the senior missionaries shared a TED Talk that I had seen a few years ago. The speaker’s husband had died from cancer. She had remarried and was doing quite well. People had mentioned “moving on,” but she said that would mean leaving memories with her deceased husband behind. She likes the term “moving forward” with her husband’s death better. I agree. She also questioned why we sometimes react differently to hard things than to happy things. When someone’s child has a birthday, we don’t say to them, “So your kid turned 5 today…get over it!”

Several years ago, Henry B. Eyring spoke about when his grandmother Eyring was dying of stomach cancer. She was staying with her daughter, who reported that Grandma Eyring complained only once, and then it was not really a complaint but just to say that it hurt. It was comforting for me to be validated when I say that grief hurts, also. For me, it hurts in my chest. It’s physical pain. An intense “boo-hoo” out-loud crying episode for several minutes helps get that pain out. If I try to suppress it, it prolongs the pain and I get a headache. Faye and our children are the only ones around whom I have allowed myself that expression of grief. I have done that a few times while driving alone, also. As I listen to myself, I sound funny when I cry like that, but I don’t really care. 

This week, my physical and mental stamina was decreased. I needed to take longer and more-frequent naps. Once, I had to ask Faye to not ask me to make a decision on what to do with some medical supplies she was going through and deciding what to keep/not keep. We have been playing the game Azul with two widowed senior missionaries who live in our apartment building. We usually play two games, but I’ve only been up to playing one game. It’s helpful for me to watch good comedy. I’ve found some good ones on VidAngel, which has clean comedians…and/or cuts out the objectionable portions of their routines. It’s very healing to laugh! 

I’ve also found it helpful to listen to uplifting music. My favorite song right now is “Alleluia” by the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square. I’ve always had trouble understanding song lyrics, but this one only has one word that is repeated throughout the song, so I do OK. I find SO much comfort in that song! God is so good!

I have continued to pray and study scriptures daily. It’s also been helpful to meditate: 25 minutes twice a day; it helps me stay “present” in what is going on right now, rather than ruminating over the past or worrying about the future.

I’ve also found it helpful to reach out to friends. Several of them have mentioned they were praying for me/us this week. That means a lot to me. I listened to a podcast about loneliness, something more prevalent in men as they age. They asked the men, “Who would you ask if you needed help?” Many men say, “Besides my wife, I would be hard-pressed to name anyone (or more than 1 or 2 people) that I could ask for help.” Thankfully, I am blessed with many, many friends. I am also blessed with the desire to “mend fences” when relationships might have been injured. I have tried to ask forgiveness when I have made mistakes and to speak with other people directly when I have allowed my feelings to be hurt. What a blessing that has been EVERY time! It has been hard to initiate, but has consistently resulted in a stronger relationship with the individual involved. Every time!

There is a medical/psychological condition called “complicated grief.” I read my medical reference (UpToDate) to see if I might have that. I really don’t think I do, but I do have some risk factors (I have underlying atypical depression (that is being treated with fluoxetine), Ashton died of suicide (traumatic death increases risk in survivors) and he is my son (death of a child tends to take a heavier toll other relationship deaths)). Mental and physical health professionals should be alert to suicide risk in those who might have complicated grief. I have been very introspective about this and have not ever felt suicidal before or since Ashton’s death (in case anyone is wondering). I am striving to take care of my health. I exercise. I take appropriate precautions when crossing the street, driving in the car, etc. I miss Ashton, but I’m willing to trust the Lord on when I see him again; I have no desire to speed up that reunion.

I sometimes wonder if it’s healthy for me to “bare my soul” like this. I don’t know, but it seems to be. One of my motivations is I hope it’s helpful for others who might be going through hard times. Life is meant to be a testing/proving grounds. Everyone reading this is going through tough times; my situation is not harder or worse than anyone else’s, but it’s helpful for me to remember that God weeps when I weep; he rejoices when I rejoice. There is peace in Christ amidst the storms of life. The Lord qualifies whom He calls…including those He calls to endure hard times. I read a book about Abraham Lincoln, who clarified his vision to free the slaves after the death of his son, which drove him to his knees in grief. I’ve tried to be aware of and grateful for the blessings that have come and are coming BECAUSE of Ashton’s death. One that immediately comes to mind is increased empathy for others who are struggling, especially with their mental health. I wonder what compensatory blessings the Lord will YET give me because of Ashton’s death? I don’t know, but I trust Him, His wisdom, His love, His justice, His mercy, His grace, His timing, His patience, His benevolence, His kindness. He is my Father. I am His son. What a wonderful thing to know and believe! And so are you! Nothing can separate us from His love! He may not approve of something I am doing, but He will never stop loving me. He cannot do it!