Guest post by my wife, Faye Richardson Mayberry
“Grief has physical sensations. Our heart is screaming; it physically hurts. There is a knot in our stomach and a sinking feeling happens when we think about the person who is gone. When we think, we feel and when we feel, we hurt.”
My Friend, I Care – The Grief Experience by Barbara Karnes, RN
On January 28th, 2014, the day Ashton died, I was so thirsty. I couldn’t get enough water. My lips were chapped by the end of the day and remained chapped for the next few days, even though I was downing the water. Carter was hungry. A good friend texted Carter that day and told him, “Remember to eat.” What a blessing that little text was. I had no appetite. I ate because it was time to eat and Carter needed food. Two weeks later, when the company faded and Carter went back to work, I would forget to eat. I started getting stomach pains and had to make myself eat something so my stomach would stop hurting. When I did eat, I wanted dips. I would buy all kinds of dips, like spinach dip, bean dip, hummus and would eat them with Triscuit crackers or tortilla chips just until my stomach stopped hurting. My sisters would come and take me out to eat. I needed the company of loved ones, but I also needed someone to tell me, “Let’s eat”. I’ve slowly lost 6 pounds since Ashton died.
Both of us, at different times have felt our hearts hurting. At first I wondered what was going on, thinking “heart attack”, but then someone mentioned to me about the heart hurting when grieving and it dawned on me what was happening. I was experiencing a true heartache.
The first night I didn’t sleep at all. Carter slept for 2 or 3 hours. We gradually started sleeping a little more each night. I couldn’t take naps because when I was still and quiet my mind would start going over THE day and I couldn’t sleep. We were so exhausted at the end of the day that we went to sleep easily but would wake up early, at about 3:00, thinking. That’s when I would cry. I remember waking up during the early morning, the week after Ashton died, wondering if that really happened. Was it a dream? It wasn’t. It really did happen. For quite a few weeks, we felt weary. Then it turned into just plain tired. There’s a difference. Carter still needs naps during the day and will sometimes take a nap at the office. Most work days he also takes a nap after he gets home from work so he can make it until bedtime.
My heart really did physically hurt. I can now say I know what a heartache feels like.
My stomach did hurt.
On quiet days when I had time to think and feel, I did hurt.
From the things I’ve read about grieving, I am grieving in a normal way. But there is not one normal way to grieve. Others will grieve differently than I. They will be normal too.
It has been 4 1/2 months since Ashton died. I never would have guessed 5 months ago that we would have a child buried in the St. David cemetery. I thought this would be a little bump in Ashton’s road and he would get better like most people do. I know about the Savior’s Atonement. I am studying it now. I believe in it and I am grateful for it, but I now have much more Hope in it. The Atonement is real. It’s not just for when we leave this earth. It is for here and now. What a beautiful blessing that Atonement is. More of a blessing than I can ever comprehend while I still live and physically grieve on this earth.