Written by Carter

This portion was written mostly on January 31, 2021.

As an introductory caution, this post will not be an “Insta-perfect” travel log. The absence of photos is deliberate. I will talk about some hard things. Why not just focus on the positive? Certainly, most of what is going on in my life right now is very positive and uplifting. Everyone goes through hard times; I understand that. I also understand that the worst pain is your pain. So why even bring up hard stuff? How does that make things better? Why am I writing this? Well…certainly, nobody need feel “obligated” to read what I write…but I am writing this for two reasons: a) To help me understand myself and my situation; and b) perhaps others can learn from me, both my successes and failures. I claim no expertise except for what is like to be Carter Mayberry right now…and even that is very much a “work in progress.” I read something that reminded me that I am uniquely qualified to be me. I’ve had all the experiences I need to prepare me for right now.

For those familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality types, my personality (ISFJ) is very good at some things (like all types)…but I am also prone to certain weaknesses (like all types). One of my personality’s weaknesses is that we sometimes tend to dwell on the negative. Acknowledging that is at least half the battle for me. “Why not just think more positively?” you might ask. Great question! My response: I’m working on it; I haven’t found a “switch” to make it happen immediately, so think it will probably be more of a gradual effort for me.

So…here goes:

I’ve had a couple of rough patches the past few months. In mid-December, I was with some other senior couples serving in Auckland. I asked them a question that popped into my head, “What’s your favorite movie?” One of them narrowed the question further and asked, “What’s your favorite Christmas movie?” Several of them named their favorites. Someone mentioned, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” with Jimmy Stewart. I thought, “Yeah, that’s a good movie; I think I’ll watch that!” And I did watch it. I don’t remember where Faye was at the time, but I watched it by myself. It didn’t occur to me that the main character almost ended his own life by jumping off a bridge toward the end of the movie…but an angel was sent to save him. That scene “blindsided” me; I forgot it was in there. I don’t think I had watched that movie since Ashton’s suicide. It brought me down more than I had anticipated…and I felt down for several days after that. I know that it was a fictional story and doubt that angels really do rescue people from suicide the way the movie depicted…but I’m sure there are many people who are pulled back from the brink of suicide by various influences. I felt happy for all those to whom that has happened. At the same time, I felt sad for those (including Ashton) who are not rescued from that point of crisis. I don’t expect to understand why/why not during this lifetime, but know that God loves all His children and trust His plan for all of them.

The other “rough patch” was the week of January 28, which was the seven-year anniversary of Ashton’s suicide; we call it his “angelversary.” It seems like the first few years after Ashton’s death, that day was harder for Faye than it was for me. The last few years, it seems to be harder for me than for Faye. I’m not sure why that is. I’ve done some soul-searching, prayerfully asking, “Lord, what lack I yet?” I set some goals around New Year’s Day, wanting to be more emotionally-, physically-, socially- and spiritually-prepared for January 28. I believe God expects us to exert our best effort at the same time as we reach out for His grace. I think all those personal efforts…along with the grace of God…helped me so January 28 wasn’t as hard as it has been the last few years…but it was still hard. I honestly can’t think of anything I should have done (or not done) in preparation for that day that would have made it any better. I have concluded that this must be part of the “normal” process of healing. Why is my healing taking so long? I don’t know; I’m trying to sit with my grief when it comes, acknowledge it, feel it, see what it has to teach me. How do I feel on those days? I just feel sad/down/heavy/tired. I need to take longer naps and get to bed earlier. After a few days, my energy level is usually close to “normal” for me. I’m self-diagnosing, but I don’t think I need to see my physician to change my antidepressant…since it’s better in a few days.  I’ve also read about “complicated grief” and none of those features apply to me; I just feel kinda yucky for a few days.

(to be continued…)