The following portion was written February 7, 2021:

I decided to not send the parts of this post that I wrote on January 31 until the last two days; it was just too personal, too painful. This week has been SO much better! Now that I am feeling back to “normal” (for me), I feel like I can end my letter on a positive note. I have my energy and enthusiasm back. I’m so grateful for the healing power of God and Jesus Christ in that healing. Besides just the passage of time and the grace of God, something else I think has helped: I listened to an audiobook: The Power of Now. I don’t agree with all of the author’s conclusions, but most of what he said rang true for me. One thing he talked about was “surrendering to what is.” My son is dead; I can’t change that. What I CAN change at this present moment is accepting that fact. I will still probably feel sad at times, but I can then choose to accept that sadness. I’m not saying it as well as the author did, but how he put it has helped me. My doctor in NZ recommended this book last year when I told her I was having a hard time after Ashton’s angelversary. I never got around to listening to it…but when I was having a hard time again this year, I thought I’d check it out…and am glad I did.

As we are learning about the early history of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I was struck by an early event: Mount Tambora in Indonesia erupted in 1815, spewing enough ash into the atmosphere that climates were affected throughout the world. The following year became known as “the year without summer” in Vermont because of snowfall and killing frosts during the growing season. This was the “last straw” for Joseph Smith, Sr., who then decided to move his family to western New York. This led to a series of events that led to the founding of the Church, but, geographically speaking, it put Joseph Smith, Jr. in proximity of where Moroni had buried sacred golden plates over 1400 years earlier. By divine guidance, Joseph was shown where these plates were and he translated them into the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ. In thinking of my own life, Ashton’s suicide has been my Mount Tambora eruption: it has been catastrophic and devastating…but I think it has helped God put my heart where He wants it to be right now. It has also led to serving two missions where I can serve other missionaries like Ashton. 

As I read about the surgery on Joseph Smith Jr.’s leg when he was 7-years-old (in a last-ditch effort to avoid amputation, the doctor cut out a piece of infected bone without anesthetic, because there weren’t any in 1812), my sympathy in the past has been for the boy Joseph. However, this time, my compassion this time was for his father, who had to hold his son during this excruciating operation. How helpless he must have felt to not be able to provide his son with some relief. Before Ashton died, I also felt very helpless as I knew he and everyone else were doing their best to bring him some relief. Perhaps this gives me a small glimpse into how God, the Father, felt when He watched His Perfect, Only-Begotten Son suffer in the Garden of Gethsemanae and on the cross. The Father, of course, could have rescued His Son. Jesus could have rescued Himself…but They chose to go forward with that excruciating experience because of Their love for us. I’m grateful to believe in a God Who weeps when I weep, Who rejoices when I rejoice. No, I am not strong…God is strong. Any strength you think you see in me…is Him.

Another thought: God no longer asks us to sacrifice a firstborn lamb; instead He asks us to give to Him our broken hearts and contrite spirits. Why does He want us to have broken hearts? Comparing it to growing wheat (or other grains): The ground must be broken to plant the seed. Seeds must be broken before they sprout. Clouds must be broken to release the rain to water the plant. When harvested, the grain is often broken/milled to make it more digestible. God wants my heart to be broken so I can turn to Him for healing. So I can grow. My spirit must be contrite (submissive) to the current circumstances. I am striving to surrender to what is at this very moment.
I’ve read some on “post-traumatic growth,” the positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity and other challenges. I pray that I can allow some of that to happen in my life…and to recognize it when it does.

One of my sisters emailed me the week of Ashton’s angelversary and said, “Your hearts will be in my heart.” One of my brothers wrote about working with Ashton the days before Ashton’s death. Those gestures meant so much to me! I believe in angels! So many of you have been “angels” of love and compassion to me! Thank you!

Thanks for listening and for your love and prayers.

Carter