Hannah-8 Clara-2 Carter-3 David-5
September 2013

I had a sweet little friend with me today.  My 4 year old grandson. My little Carter Boy! Yes, he’s named after his grandpa. It was nice to have a child around this house again. I miss those mothering days with children around. They were sometimes hard, but they were sweet and good too. They felt right to me. All I’ve ever wanted to do in this life is be a wife and mother. I wish I were more ambitious, but I’m just me. I can only be who I am. When Ashton died, not only did I lose my son, but I became an empty nester too.

A few weeks after Ashton died, I remember being at my parents house, eating dinner and thinking there was a child I needed to be helping. My children are all in their 20’s. I really missed Ashton then.

The quiet is nice sometimes. The quiet is hard sometimes. The quiet is too quiet sometimes. I do have things that I do and places I go, but this is still my home and I like to be here. Most of the time I’m fine,  but sometimes, like now… after a fun day with little Carter… I think about the days with children here…even big children….and it’s hard.

I know that every mother must go through this transition… this change from full time mothering to less and less mothering, and then to mothering from a distance with children who are making their own way in the world. We need to give them their independence. We need to let them learn and grow. We need to stand back and let the mothering be different than when they were in our home. It’s a challenge to find that balance.

It’s different when a child dies. There’s not the usual transition. It happened and it’s final. There’s still a transition, it’s just different.

The hard days are getting further and further apart, but they are still here. Today was not a hard day. It was a really fun day with my little Punky boy. We had so much fun together. I fixed him scrambled eggs and ramen noodles. We bought Spider Man underwear. He scanned them himself, along with the blue Push Pop at the self checkout in Walmart. He played with the kitty that meowed at our front door, then visited the chickens in the back yard and checked to see if there were any eggs. He watched Space Jam and pretended he was a basketball player. He got out the play swords, the football, the dinosaur,  and the Darth Vader costume… those boy toys that don’t get played with much anymore. Some of those toys are still laying around on the floor now… and I smile. They are signs of family. A sign that I love and want.

I believe The Family is why we are here on this earth. “The family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Any signs of family are signs of God’s plan and that He lives and loves us.

Thank you, Candace, for being born to us, for having a birthday and needing a sitter. I needed to be a sitter, a grandma today. My girl is 30! I guess I lied. My kids aren’t all in their 20’s any more.

I just noticed some scribblings on my dry erase board. My smile is creeping up again. How I love my family! My JOY!

Written by Faye