Ashton in Vuna, Fiji
It has been a year now…. a life changing year…. since our Ashton left us for another realm. I am grateful that he is not suffering anymore, but despite the greatfulness…the loss is gaping and there is, and will always be, a hole in our family. A hole that can never be filled. A hole that we will have to get used to. That hole was felt today at church as we blessed a sweet little granddaughter. It was a joyous occasion, but the loss was felt. Someone was definitely missing.
This loss makes me ponder on what I have learned this past year. Have I learned anything? I know I have. I’m already not the same person. I can never be that same person again. I hope that I am a better person. I am trying to be.
I am reminded of a prayer I said once when we were saying our morning prayer together and it was my turn to pray. It was only a few months after Ashton died. I remember saying, ” We are grateful for all that we are learning.” I had not planned to say that or even thought about saying that…. it just came out. I was a little surprised by it, we both were, and we had a conversation after the prayer realizing that were ARE learning, we have to be learning something from this significant experience.
Our daughter, Candace, sent this graphic for us to use as the wallpaper on our phone. It’s the first thing we see when we get on our phones. I use my phone a lot, and it has been a blessing for me to see it many times during the day.
I have learned many things this past year, but these are the things I’m prompted to share:
1. I’ve learned that the temple has literally, physically, spiritually and emotionally been a place of refuge for me. My journal says…
“… the days after Ashton died… the temple was the only thing that saved me. It was the only thing that let me feel the peace I needed so I could handle life for a few more days. The temple was the place where I felt closest to Ashton. I wanted to be there all the time. I went twice, sometimes three times a week. I could not have made it through that first few months without the temple’s peace. Once I drove all the way to the Gila Valley Temple just to be there for 1/2 hour and went straight home. It was worth it. Worth every peaceful second. ”
It’s amazing the difference in the feeling I have when I walk in… frazzled and frantic….and then a few hours later when I walk out…. ready to face the real world again. THANKS BE TO GOD we have our own sweet temple so close in the Gila Valley.
2. There’s a hymn in our church entitled, “Where Can I Turn For Peace”. I have learned WHERE I CAN TURN for that peace. I have learned that the Savior’s Atonement REALLY CAN swallow up my sorrow and grief for a time. I’ve learned that He REALLY WILL take my burdens from me temporarily so I can sleep. I’ve learned that He REALLY WILL make my burdens feel lighter so I can bear them. I’ve learned The Atonement is not just a Christian myth. It REALLY is available to me. THANKS BE TO GOD for that great gift, The Atonement of Jesus Christ.
3. I’ve learned that……WE HAVE HAD OUR TURN. Our Heavenly Father’s plan provides for death to be part of our mortal existence here. I wrote this a few months ago:
“So many have had a child, spouse, parent or sibling pass away. So many have felt the sorrow and grief that we feel. So many are hurting. We are not alone. As this has all happened, I have been able to sit back and look at the big picture of one aspect of our life here on earth.
EVERY FAMILY HAS THEIR TURN.
Every family has their turn and we rally around that family when their turn comes. We bring them food. We write and send sympathy cards. We hug them and say sorry at church and at Walmart. We pray for them to be comforted. We give them flowers, gifts and books that might bring comfort.”
As we have had our turn, we have been greatly blessed by our family, friends and community. THANKS BE TO GOD for you. You have been such a great and needed blessing to us.
4. I’ve learned that helping others is a great distraction and a blessing. I was watching a movie where a woman’s husband had died. It had been 6 months and she still couldn’t get out and do anything she used to do. Someone told her:
“Set aside your grief and use your strength for another’s good.”
That REALLY struck me and I have it written on my dry erase board in my kitchen. The grief will always be there, but what a blessed distraction to set it aside for a time and focus on someone else. THANKS BE TO GOD for including in His plan….for us to need each other on this earth.
5. I’ve learned that the scriptures can bring me closer to Christ and feeling the love he has for me. THANKS BE TO GOD for the gift of His words in the scriptures.
6. I have learned to TRUST GOD.
I read an article in our church magazine, The Ensign, the December 2014 issue entitled, “The Answer to All the Hard Questions.” A quote from this article says;
“The questions life sends our way are not always easy to answer. Some of the personal challenges we have – a child’s death, for example, is often not easy to reconcile. Sometimes the most difficult struggle in this situation is to recognize that our Heavenly Father loves us and is not punishing us… What do we do when doubt seeps into our hearts? Are there really answers to those hard questions? Yes, there are. In fact, all the answers – all the right answers – depend on the answer to just one question: Do I trust God above everyone else?
“Trusting that God has all the answers, that He loves us, and that He will answer all our questions – in His way, on His timetable – can simplify our searching. It may not always be easy, but simply trusting in God’s counsel can safely steer us through clouds of confusion.”
THANKS BE TO GOD – that HE is a God that can be trusted.
7. Not sure how to say this one… so I’ll just give you my scattered thoughts….
I’ve learned how to listen better… I’ve learned a little better to trust my feelings when the Holy Spirit prompts me. I’m still learning this… but I guess I’ve become a little better. I’ve just become more aware of when the Spirit is speaking to me. This is something I’ve wanted to become better at. So … I say…. THANKS BE TO GOD for this little improvement in such an important thing.
8. I have learned to be more loving and forgiving of others. I believe that most people are doing the best they can. We have family members on both sides of our family who have lost a child. I was clueless as to what was really needed in the way of help and comfort. I was not aware of how devastating that was for them. After their loved-one’s funeral, I did nothing! I know now what is needed. I am a different person now. I am GRATEFUL for those that continue to reach out and help us, but am very aware that most people have no idea the help that is needed, and it’s Ok. I’ve been there. Most people don’t know what more to do. I have been one of them. THANKS BE TO GOD for the trials of life to teach me important lessons.
9. I thought this post was written and final, but I’ve had the prompting to include what is, for me, the most important thing I’ve come to learn. It’s very personal and I hesitate to include this, but after reviewing #7, and reviewing the subtitle of this blog, I know I have to write this. I’VE LEARNED THAT CHRIST IS WHO I WANT TO FOLLOW. Ashton’s death has made me wonder…”Do I really believe all that I profess to believe? Do I really believe all that I was brought up believing?” I have needed to study the creation of the world… why was it created? Why are we here living on this earth? I have been studying about Christ’s Atonement which is a study that can never be exhausted. I have studied what the scriptures and the prophets teach about the spirit world. Where do we go after we die? I’ve studied about angels and what they are capable of. How they can help me… how Ashton can help me. I have come to know that this gospel I am involved in IS NOT A JOKE. It is the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and …. YES!….I want to follow Him. I do believe all the I profess to believe! I believe with all my heart that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the World, the Redeemer of all mankind. He is my Savior, my King and my Lord. I believe his teachings and I want to follow Him.
I echo Nephi in the Book of Mormon: 2 Nephi 4: 19-21 – “… I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with His love. …. He hath heard my cry.”
In John 14:18 it says – “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.”
And so I say one more time…. THANKS BE TO GOD. He has done that very thing for us.
Written by Faye