This was originally written in September 2015 for another blog about early returned missionaries. On this World Suicide Prevention Day on September 10, 2020, I have modified it to include anyone suffering with mental illness.

By Faye Richardson Mayberry

Ashton died on January 28, 2014. He was 21 years old. The death certificate says: “Gun shot wound to the chest.” But his psychiatrist told us he died from depression. He had returned home five months early from his mission to Fiji. He developed a debilitating depression there along with some delusions. His wonderful mission president did the best he could to take care of him on the mission with counseling and medication, but it wasn’t working. His delusions became too much. He became suicidal. He came home, put all his mission things away and tried to survive. He tried to attend church but it was too much for him. His anxiety was too overwhelming and he often left early. He told me, “Mom, now that I know what depression feels like, I think I was depressed in junior high and high school.” I had no idea. Mental illness runs in our family. I thought I could spot depression in anyone. His depression was different. He just got quiet as a teenager. He was our quiet boy. I’m sure there was a lot going on in his head, but he couldn’t tell us about it.

We got him the best help we could find and we loved that boy. I made sure he knew his mother loved him. I had a great hope that my love alone could save him. He seemed to cooperate with the doctor and counselor but never did progress even being on five different medications and counseling. Nothing we tried helped him.

Ashton was a determined boy and he was determined to go on a mission. We could not have kept him from going. We are told by companions and mission couples that he was a good missionary. Reading his journals we can see that he really tried. He would work and work and then go down for a while then get back up and work through the pain again.

Here are a few of his personal journal entries:

February 5, 2013 – “I know that I am in Fiji for a reason, and that God knows the reason, so I am trying to be obedient to His commandments so that I can be worthy to have His spirit with me.”

March 26, 2013 – “Riding the bus today. Not having a truck to drive gives me time to just look at my surroundings. I have realized again how blessed I am to be serving here in Fiji, in Taveuni. It is so beautiful! The coastline, the jungle, the mountains, the ocean… I am so blessed to be serving in Fiji despite the challenges I am facing each day.”

May 7, 2013 – “…I don’t want to do this anymore: life. I have failed. I have failed my family, my Father and most of all myself. I am good… I just don’t want to be a problem anymore. I have been waiting to go on my mission with anticipation. My mission was the place I thought it would all change. …And now I have failed my mission. I am not worthy to uphold the Mayberry name. I’m sorry. President did his best. I just can’t get it.”

May 13, 2013 – “It’s been a pretty rough couple of weeks, some of the toughest on my mission. I have been reminded of what Satan can do if I let him… I am worth it. I can do this! One day at a time, doing the best I can, making other peoples’ lives better! …God answers prayers.”

A very kind person wrote to us, “I know Ashton did his best.” Those few words were so comforting for us.

If you are in Ashton’s situation wanting to end your life on this earth, I beg you to HOLD ON — hang on for one more day, one more week, and talk to someone you love. I beg you to TRUST the people who love you and want to help you. There is hope ahead, even if YOU don’t see it. There is healing ahead. Life is ALWAYS worth living… even when it’s hard! 

PLEASE CHOOSE TO STAY!

“…Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be!” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf – October 2011 General Conference – “You Matter to Him”)

We realize that everyone’s mental health journey is different. Our son, Ashton, experienced delusions that made him believe things were happening that were not happening in reality. He couldn’t feel or hear the love Heavenly Father or his family had for him. After talking with his doctor, we are now wondering if he was bipolar. Reading in his journal… he seems to have experienced at least one manic event, maybe more, on his mission.

If you are the parent of a child with a mental illness, I want to tell you that there is so much HOPE! Ashton’s situation is not typical. A very high percentage make it through the rough patches of their mental health struggles. Some will deal with mental health issues for the rest of their life, but are able to manage it with help from competent professionals, the love and patience of family and friends, and the bright hope of Christ’s Atonement.

Three months after Ashton died, we started a blog. We titled it Ashton’s Legacy: Grieving With God’s Guidance. We didn’t know what we were doing. It was a process to learn how to do it. All we knew is that we needed to write and we felt guided to (gulp!) send it out to the world. I had so many thoughts swimming around in my head that needed to come out. Writing has been a huge source of relief from our grief. Many people have commented to us that it has been helpful for them, too. We have learned that there are so many who are grieving the loss of a child by suicide…so many.

If you choose to read our blog, start from the beginning. You will see the difference in our writing as the grief evolved.

Quite often, whenever I have a question or concern about Ashton right before I go to bed, I have a dream or wake up with distinct thoughts on the subject in the middle of the night. Last night, Carter had the dream. It was on the same subject I went to bed thinking about. In his dream, Ashton was 3 years old. Carter was holding his hand and they were walking down a hall of the home Carter grew up in. They came to a mirror. Carter said to Ashton, “Say, I love you , Ashton!” Ashton said, “I love you Ashton!,” to himself in the mirror in a little baby voice. Ashton couldn’t love himself here on earth. He believed the delusions in his head that his family would be better off without him.

MENTAL ILLNESS TELL YOU LIES.

On this Suicide Prevention week in September, I want to let you know that I trust the God who created Ashton’s broken mind. That same God is the One who will judge him. I trust that He has a plan for Ashton and some day I will understand. I trust Him and I trust Ashton with Him.

I will end with part of a blog post from June 2014 entitled “Physical Grieving”:

“It has been 4 1/2 months since Ashton died. I never would have guessed 5 months ago that we would have a child buried in the St. David Cemetery. I thought this would be a little bump in Ashton’s road and he would get better like most people do. I know about my Savior’s Atonement. I am studying it now. I believe in it and I am grateful for it, but I now have much more Hope in it. Christ’s Atonement is real. It’s not just for when we leave this earth. It is for here and now. What a beautiful blessing that Atonement is. More of a blessing than I can ever comprehend while I still live and physically grieve on this earth.”