Red & Blue game with Jordan & Rubi ~ Oct. 2014

We did it! We made it to the Red & Blue game! Ash would have loved it. He would have loved to be there, sitting next to his dad and brother, cheering and talking to them about the stats and players. It was bitter sweet for me. I’m not really a crowds person. I’d rather watch the game at home on television. But, I went in honor of Ashton. I wanted to go for him.  I saw where we sat when Ashton was with us last year, in the top section on the front row, just to the left of the Sean Elliot shirt on the wall. I didn’t think it would be a big deal to see that, but it was a big deal. I kept thinking about it and looking up there. I finally stood up and took a picture of the area. I guess I needed to do that. My brain wasn’t obsessed with that spot anymore after I took the picture.

On the way home I did a lot of thinking. Is basketball important in heaven? Does Ashton even care about basketball any more? I also had a good cry on the way home. I don’t do that as much as I used to, but sometimes I need to. I don’t really think too deeply about Ashton being gone. I try not too. But there are times when I need to let myself think about him. I HAVE to think about him sometimes. This boy that I gave birth to… this boy who I was responsible for…. the boy I worried so much about… the big, gentle guy who  loves Baconators from Wendy’s, Willcox apples and fresh raspberries. He’s gone. He will not be with us anymore for the rest of my life. Sometimes that’s hard to bear. Sometimes it’s amazingly hard for my mind to comprehend. Sometimes it’s just plain painful…. and I have to let myself feel that pain.

Carter and I both came home from the game ready to write. We both are typing and crying right now getting our grief out and letting our words absorb that grief. I’m grateful we have this outlet. ….I already feel  better…. more calm.

Thank you Heavenly Father for Ashton. Thank you for letting us have him for almost 22 years. Please take good care of him. I know I can count on you. You knew and loved him before I did. He’s your son too.

Written by Faye