Carter with Ashton ~ 6 months old
Ashton’s death was by suicide. “It is wrong to take a life, including one’s own. However, a person who commits suicide may not be responsible for his or her acts. Only God can judge such a matter” (see footnote 1). I know how much I love my son, Ashton. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love him even more than I do. They knew him before he came to this earth. They know everything that led up to his suicide. They know the thoughts and intents of his heart. I trust them in the mercy that They will certainly show to Ashton at the Judgment Day — and have probably already shown him since his death.
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). Trust Him. The scripture doesn’t say trust him with the part of my heart that I understand. I need to trust Him with everything I don’t understand, which is a lot for me right now.
One of Ashton’s favorite scriptures was this one from The Book of Mormon 1 Nephi 11:16–17 – “And [the angel] said unto [Nephi]: Knowest thou the condescension of God? And [Nephi] said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” Again, there are MANY things I don’t understand right now.
It’s probably natural to second-guess oneself, “I should have (or shouldn’t have) said/done this or that.” Two comments here: Number one, Ashton’s mind was broken. I feel comfortable saying that everyone that I know of did everything they could to help him see the good in himself. Ashton’s broken mind couldn’t feel or believe those efforts. Number two, second-guessing doesn’t do any good. I can’t change anything that has happened. All I can do is move forward. I may be able to learn and do better, be a better friend, husband, neighbor, father. Ashton’s death has caused Faye and me to reflect on things that are truly important in life. Faye has a sign on our living room wall that says, “The most important things in life…aren’t things.”
How do you talk to parents of a child who died by suicide? I don’t pretend have all the answers or to speak for other parents of suicide victims. However, for me, this is what is helpful — at least at this point: please don’t worry about saying the wrong thing. My son is dead; I don’t think you are going to say anything that will make that worse. I appreciate your saying SOMETHING. “I’m so sorry for your loss” is often enough. Sometimes, “I don’t know what to say” is perfect — because what DO you say to the parents of a suicide victim?! If you feel like you should visit us or write to us or talk to us — do it! Don’t be afraid to say Ashton’s name. Don’t be surprised if we cry. That does NOT mean you said the wrong thing; it more likely means that you said the RIGHT thing which has touched our hearts with memories of Ashton, someone we love beyond our ability to express. Don’t be surprised if we DON’T cry. We may already be cried out at the time.
I’d like to speak to those who might be contemplating suicide or who know someone who is at risk: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide is NEVER the only option left. If you feel like that is your only option, please recognize that that conclusion is not rational and is coming from a “broken mind.” Just as you would get help for a broken bone, please get help immediately from competent professionals with your broken mind. Please be completely honest with them so they can help you.
Through the grace of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, “…broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work, the rest of us (including the one being healed) can help by being merciful, non-judgmental, and kind.” (see footnote 2)
Written by Carter
Faye and Carter,
I saw this yesterday and thought it may help a little, I feel you are 2 really great people.
Everything you do is based on choices you make. It’s not your parents, past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument or your age is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make. Period. When Erwin died I was told inch by inch life is a cinch but by the yard life is hard. Hope this let you know I Love you both
Thanks, Barbara. Yes, that is helpful. Thanks for the reminder and for your love and concern.
Thank you, Carter for your honest and straight forward response to the questions and the judgments that are made when someone chooses to leave this life by their own choosing. I remember my first day “out” after Megan passed away. I was at a craft store. I saw a lady that was pretty much an acquaintance, but someone that I knew well enough to share a “hello” or a congenial conversation with under normal circumstances. She saw me. I am certain she saw me see her. She darted around the corner. She was clearly avoiding me. It struck me that I was now someone that she didn’t know how to talk to — because of “that thing” — our daughter’s suicide. I was not going to let this go. I “went after her.” I found this lady. She was very “pink-cheeked” and she appeared to be embarrassed. I was not. I said, “hello” to her. I said to her, “It’s okay to say ‘hi” to me. I actually need you to say ‘hi’ to me.” She looked at me kinda teary eyed. I said, “My daughter died. I need a hug.” I think my “crossing that line” made a difference for her. I know it did for me.
I am not ashamed of our daughter’s choice to leave. It was too hard for her to stay. She weighed all of her life options and staying was too hard. In all of her best, logical life options, staying here was just too much.
I know that when she crossed over into the next life, she was met by the Savior. Who else could have given her the comfort that she needed at that very difficult moment for her? No one else knew what she had gone through. I know that she said to Him upon that meeting, “I’m sorry.” I know that upon taking her across the veil, He said to her (as He wrapped her in His arms), “It’s okay.” The Lord knew her sorrow and He allowed her to use her agency regarding herself and return to Him.
The Lord knows all and He loves all. Faye and Carter, Ashton is very much loved and accepted back into the presence of Him who suffered all — even the sorrow that the eye couldn’t see.
Love to you both
Wow, Maureen, I very much value your insights!
For the other readers, Maureen’s daughter, Megan, was one of our children’s babysitters (including Ashton). She was the sweetest babysitter we ever had!
When Faye called me at work and told me that Ashton had taken his own life, as I was driving home, I said aloud, “Heavenly Father, please let Ashton know how much You love him and I love him. That is something he was unable to feel recently — no matter how much we tried to help him feel it.” I feel very strongly that Ashton was welcomed back into God’s presence. I trust God — His love and His mercy.
Thanks again, Maureen. Please do share your insights in the future — as you see fit. God bless you and your family!
I have no idea what kind of pain you have & are still suffering through the loss of Ashton by suicide. But after the fire & loss of the children, their dad, & all we had, I do know that the saying on your wall is correct. The most important “things” in life are not “things”. Losing those things pales in comparison to the loss of loved ones. My heart is with you as I know this pain never seems go away, but does get easier to handle. My brother, Randall told me once that pain is even a blessing considering the alternative (he was paralyzed due to a car accident). So, it is so wonderful that you still feel that love for Ashton & got to know him. That you know him & understand him & know his struggles & know you did all you could for him. To lose him has been so hard, and will stay with you for so long, I’m sorry you have to go through this. I love you all & know Gods love will help you through this.
Thanks, Coleen, for your kindness and compassion. That means so much to us.
Thanks for your insights. Coming from someone who has experienced pain like you and Read have (with the deaths of your loved ones in the fire), that is also very meaningful. Please continue to join the conversation in the future as you see fit.
Carter you know my oldest son Guy and Faye is related to us through the Richardson line. 16 1/2 years ago my middle child and second son shot himself in the head. Since then he has lived in nursing facilities and has to have complete care since he only has the use of his left arm and left leg. He has to have a communicator that can talk for him. His mind is still very alert even after what damage was done to it. This has changed all of my families lives in many ways. I can’t and won’t judge what he has done. I can only love him unconditionally. There are times that I resent what he has done and others when I don’t want to go visit him. My doctor has told me not to feel guilty that I feel this that it is only normal. I know in my heart that the Lord understands why he did this even though I don’t and I depend on my Heavenly Father’s love to help me through the hard times. I want both of you to know that that your faith and example has been an strength to me this last year.
Helen, thanks for sharing your heart. Thanks for hanging in there with your son. You are a strength to us, also. God bless you and your family.
People ask me if I am mad at god. I am mad at a lot of things but not god as god gave me this beautiful person to love for 29 years. Without god I would have never known this love!
Thanks, Peggy, for this positive outlook. You are an inspiration to me!