Rockford, Illinois 

That’s where Ashton was born. 

Carter was in his first year of residency there beginning in the Fall of 1991. We had two little children, Candace, age 6 and Jordan, age 4. We wanted to have another child but I had not been well. During our time there, I felt that God gave me a window of wellness. Ashton was born on April 30, 1992 at Saint Anthony’s hospital. The pregnancy was a little crazy. I was in the hospital at the beginning for a few days with dehydration. Jordan was my companion and little buddy during that time while I was sick. He would sit on the arm of the recliner with me. We would sing and read and watch television together at home while Candace attended 1st grade at Carlson Elementary down the street. 

I craved Taco Bell bean burritos… No sauce and no onion.  I ate a lot of grapefruit, sometimes six in one day.  They were 12 for a dollar at Aldi. 

I am flying out today, Friday, to meet Carter, who has been at a conference all week in Chicago. We will drive up to Rockford to spend the weekend. It’s the first time we’ve been back since moving away. Ashton was 3 months old when we left Rockford. The 10 year angelversary of Ashton’s death is coming up in January and it is looming. 

Thus, the writing has started up again, for me. It’s a big need. 

Heading up to Rockford just seems appropriate right now, especially since Carter is already there, close. We plan to drive by the home where we lived during that year…go by the hospital where he was born… attend church with the people who celebrated with us when Ashton was born. And just be in that beautiful place where Ashton began his life with us.

I am looking forward to it. Looking forward to remembering the anticipated time of another sweet child, I thought I could never have. 

I’m listening to a book called “Sacred Struggle” by Melissa Wei–Tsing Inouye where she says “those who follow Christ will become acquainted with grief.”

I am acquainted. 

But I am not alone in that acquaintance. 

Christ knows.

Heaven is close at times.

I share it with the most beautiful people on this earth….Carter and Candace and Jordan and Jacob.

We forge ahead with faith.

Written October 25, 2023 by Faye

PS – You know how sometimes you have to go back to move forward? This trip was that for us. A trip we didn’t know we needed to make.