Ashton with siblings and Carter at the Tucson airport when he returned from his mission.

Yes, I’ve been angry. I tried not to be. I didn’t want to be. I’m not an angry person. I’m not. But, I have to admit… I have been angry. I was deep, down depressed for about a week before a sweet friend helped me realize what was going on.

I was angry at Ashton. I was angry that he left us. I felt guilty that I was angry. I tried to suppress it. How ridiculous to be angry at him. He was ill. He was not accountable. But…I can’t deny it…I was angry at him.

I’ve learned that suppressing anger is toxic. My body needed to feel that anger and I wouldn’t let it.  I wrote the following on October 24, 2014. I wasn’t going to post it. I didn’t want anyone to see my anger. I write a lot of things I don’t post. I feel like I should now. I was surprised at myself, that I got so angry.

“Another hard day.  What’s going on? Usually when I write, I feel better, but I’m not today. I’ve been so sad…thinking of how bad Ashton must have felt to do that. He couldn’t even tell us. I should have known.  He should have told us. I’m his mom… he should have told me. Families tell each other when things are hard!  ASH!!!  All you had to do was tell me or dad or Jordan or SOMEONE! How hard can it be????”

“I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! You are a part of our family! You should be here with us! Not somewhere where I can’t ever see you or hear you or touch you ever again in this life!!!!!  How can I ever live without you here???? How will our family ever go on without you here? We are trying… we are… but it is really HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Are you sad too Ash? Do you miss us like we miss you? Is it hard for you to see us so sad? Are you having a hard time being away from us? Is someone there to comfort you? Do you have family and friends there helping you like we have here? Ohhh….I hope so….”

I’ve learned that anger can be a normal part of grieving for some people. I didn’t think it would be for me…. but it has been.

“Anger targeting the deceased may frighten you. It shouldn’t. It is very natural and extremely common. Regardless of the circumstances or the reasons for his emotional despair, the deceased — in solitude, without consulting you — made a choice. And now you get to live with the consequences. That’s enough to make anyone angry. Denying the anger won’t work. You’ll just prolong it. It is absolutely essential to meet the twin emotions of anger and guilt head-on, to do battle with them until they’re exhausted, and then you can move on.”      ~    Living After Suicide by Sue Holtkamp, Ph.D.

Well… I’ve gone to battle with my anger. I own it and I hope it is exhausted.

How could I ever do this alone? With good people around me to help me heal and teach me, and with my Heavenly Father cheering me on…. I will make it.

Written by Faye