Ashton – Halloween – Age 8

Confession: I’m a “control freak.” I had a couple of conversations and experiences this week that were insightful. I hope to convey them clearly in my blog post today. My hope is that this is helpful for someone. If it’s not helpful for you, please set it aside; perhaps something else in this blog will be more useful.

I attended a medical conference this week and ran into another physician I had worked with 20 years ago. He and his wife invited me to sit with them during lunch yesterday. We chatted about how our respective families were doing. I felt like they should know about Ashton’s suicide in January 2014, so I updated them on that and how we are coping. I appreciated their love and comforting words. Paraphrasing, he said, “Being a physician, it may have been helpful for you to recognize that there are so many things over which you really don’t have control. Sometimes parents naively assume that they are going to mold their children into perfect human beings – only to find out that there is no such thing!” That was very comforting.

In another conversation, a friend shared with me a thought he heard in a Bible study, “If I had to survive today on the things for which I thanked God yesterday – could I?” That was a very thought-provoking reminder that everything I have came from God.

Today in Sunday school class, our lesson was on “Obedience.”[1] I felt the impression to make the following comment. I don’t know if it came from someone else or if it was an impression from the Holy Ghost:[2] “There are very few things over which I have ultimate control. However, I always have control over the attitude with which I approach my circumstances.”

One of the examples of obedience discussed in the lesson was Abraham, who was commanded to sacrifice his son, Isaac. The teacher asked, “How would that feel as a parent to be commanded to sacrifice one of your children?” Faye and I squeezed each other’s hands as we both thought of Ashton.

I will now write some in the singular. Faye and I have experienced this grief together, but I am inadequate in expressing the feelings of a mother and would not even attempt to do so.[3]

Yes, it was a sacrifice to send Ashton on his mission to Fiji. This is something that our resurrected Lord commanded His disciples to do – to “Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.”[4] This mandate was renewed through living prophets.[5] It was a sacrifice for me to watch Ashton struggle with depression while on his mission. Some have suggested that he developed depression and delusions[6] because he was on his mission. I choose to believe that he would have developed depression and delusions if he had stayed home, also. It was a sacrifice for me to watch him struggle with depression and delusions after he came home from his mission. It was very difficult that I, as a physician who tries to help people heal from their infirmities, could do nothing to help him feel better. I clearly remember a conversation I had with Ashton when he was driving me home from church meetings one Sunday. I said, “Ashton, I don’t feel like I should give you advice or counsel at this time, as I often have as your father. I feel like my job right now is to love you – and I can do that!” I did my very best to show and express my love to him. What a comfort that is to me!

Yes, it was a sacrifice for me to send Ashton on his mission – but I don’t think we could have stopped him from serving his mission; he knew that’s where he should be and he was going to serve, regardless of the challenges and obstacles he might face. Even though it has been a sacrifice for me, it has also been a privilege for me to learn all I have throughout this sacrifice. I would do it all over again. Ashton is OK. We’re going to be OK. I would do it all again.

The Holy Ghost is the third member of the Godhead (God, the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are the other two). He is a Personage of spirit, which allows Him to communicate with our spirits. He is also called the Comforter.[7] The comfort I have received from the Holy Ghost is something that I am inadequate in expressing[8] – but it is nonetheless very real.

We have worked hard at doing the big and little things to have our home be somewhere that the Holy Ghost feels welcome and comfortable. By doing so, our home has been a source of tremendous peace and comfort for me.

Another source of comfort is the sealing ordinances of the temple. A typical marriage ceremony includes the words, “Till death do us part.” In comparison, when Faye and I were married, the words used instead were, “For time and all eternity.” We are husband and wife after death, also. We are “sealed”[9] to one another and to God. The children born to us are also sealed to us throughout the eternities. We have found great comfort in attending the temple frequently to be reminded of these promises we made to God and to each other – and that He made to us – in the temple.

The Tucson, Arizona Temple groundbreaking ceremony was yesterday.[10] When the temple is completed, there will be an open house, where anyone who is interested can tour the temple and feel God’s love for His children as they keep His commandments. I invite all who are interested to attend the open house, to learn about sacred beliefs that have brought me such comfort and peace. I hope that you will have an open heart to the feelings that will come to you while you are there.[11]

I am amazed at how many things over which I have little or no control. Frankly, it’s also a relief that I mainly just need to worry about me – and that’s more than enough! I am grateful to know God, who has ultimate control over all things. I trust Him.

Written by Carter

[1] Gospel Principles, Chapter 35, “Obedience”

[2] Bible Dictionary, “Holy Ghost”

[3] “Because I Live, Ye Shall Live, Also.” This is a very comforting talk given by Elder Shayne M. Bowen about comfort available to parents who have lost children through death.

[4] Mark 16:15

[5] See Doctrine and Covenants 68:8 for one example

[6] Ashtonslegacy.com, post April 8, 2015

[7] Bible Dictionary, “Comforter”

[8] “An Unspeakable Gift from God”

[9] Christ told his apostle, Peter, “And I will give unto thee the keys of heaven, and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven…” Matt 16:19

[10] “Ground Broken for Temples in Chile and the U.S.”

[11] Tucson Arizona Temple