This week was one of many emotions. Faye and I left Monday evening, hoping to attend Danny DeWitt’s viewing. We left later than we’d hoped and traffic was at a standstill on the freeway for about half hour – so we didn’t make it. We stayed in a hotel in Mesa, then attended his funeral Tuesday morning. I hugged Danny’s widow, Lisa, and each of their five beautiful/handsome children. I showed them the “business card” Danny had written on when we were companions.

After the funeral, I showed Lisa the white shirt I wore when the members in San Cristobal, Venezuela surprised me with a farewell party. One of their traditions was to cut the missionary’s tie and write “Have a good trip!” and “Don’t forget us!” type of messages on the shirt. Danny wrote two messages on the shirt.

The funeral was healing for me. I was able to remember with fondness the good times Danny and I had together as missionaries. We were able to spend a few occasions together after the mission, also. His funeral was well-attended, as suicide funerals often are. I’ve thought about why that is: Is it because the attendees put themselves in the place of the survivors and imagine how much grief and pain they must be feeling at that time – and they want to be there to support them? Is it because the attendees are trying to imagine how it might feel to be THAT despondent and hopeless – to take one’s own life? Are attendees looking for healing and understanding and hope themselves in such a bleak situation?

A few comments made in the funeral struck me: one of the speakers asked (paraphrasing), “What can we learn from Danny’s suicide?” I haven’t been in touch with Danny enough to know the “backstory,” but, when we were companions, pound-for-pound, he was probably the physically strongest person I had ever known. I wonder if his physical strength worked against him in dealing with his emotional setbacks? Was he so accustomed to overpowering and “fixing” things that he thought he could do that with his emotional challenges, also – whatever they were? That “manly” approach to emotional challenges just doesn’t work. Was he so accustomed to “fixing” things that he would not allow others to help him when he felt down? A couple of comments were made that ”…he’s not in pain anymore…” Was this emotional pain? Physical pain? Both? I don’t really need answers to these questions; just processing is all.

Mention was made in the funeral that one of Danny’s older brothers also took his own life several years ago. I wonder what effect that had on Danny? The risk of suicide increases in patients with a family history of suicide.[1] One of my paternal cousin’s sons took his life about three years before Ashton took his. Mental illness runs in my mother’s side of the family; the “genetic link” may not fit these two suicides in my family.

“Forgiveness” was also mentioned in the funeral. I don’t know what that refers to in Danny’s life, but I am more impressed the longer I live with the importance of forgiveness. Today I am fasting (going without food or water for 24 hours – as best as I can) for help from God in acknowledging whom I need to forgive. Several names and faces came to mind. I’m reminded of what a beautiful gift the Atonement is in helping me to forgive those around me for large and small irritations in my life!

Another missionary who served with Danny was visiting Phoenix on business the day before Danny’s death. He had 10-15 minutes to spare in catching his flight and decided to pay Danny a brief visit. When he found out about Danny’s suicide, he was berating himself that he couldn’t pick that up while he was there. I tried as best I could to comfort him and have prayed that he would have peace. It’s quite possible that nobody but Danny and God knew that Danny was going to take his own life; Danny may have wanted it that way – so he wouldn’t be stopped from doing so.

Faye and I went to the cemetery, where Danny’s son dedicated the grave as the final resting place for Danny’s body; Danny’s son had come home from his mission for the funeral. He is in the middle in the photo above, still wearing his missionary name tag. I saw Danny’s oldest brother talking to Danny’s son before dedicating the grave. It made me smile to wonder if he was assuming his rightful role as “patriarch” in the extended family by “coaching” the son on how to dedicate a grave?

Written by Carter

Endnote:

[1]TITLE: Suicide following the death of a sibling: a nationwide follow-up study from Sweden.

AUTHORS: Rostila M, Saarela J, Kawachi I

SOURCE: BMJ Open. 2013;3(4)

OBJECTIVES: The death of a sibling can trigger grief and depression. Sibling deaths from external causes may be particularly detrimental, since they are often sudden. We aimed to examine the association between the death of an adult sibling from external causes and the risk of suicide among surviving siblings up to 18 years after bereavement. We adjusted for intrafamily correlation in death risks, which might occur because of shared genetics and shared early-life experiences of siblings in the same family.

DESIGN: A follow-up study between 1981 and 2002 based on the total population.

SETTING: Sweden.

PARTICIPANTS: Swedes aged 25-64 years (n=1 748 069).

PRIMARY AND SECONDARY OUTCOME MEASURES: Suicide from the Swedish cause of death register.

RESULTS: An increased risk of mortality from suicide was found among persons who had experienced the death of a sibling. In women, the suicide risk was 1.55 times that of non-bereaved persons (95% CI 0.99 to 2.44), and in men it was 1.28 times higher (95% CI 0.93 to 1.77). If one sibling committed suicide, the risk of the remaining sibling also committing suicide was 3.19 (95% CI 1.23 to 8.25) among women and 2.44 (95% CI 1.34 to 4.45) among men. Associations with other main causes of death-such as external other than suicide, cardiovascular diseases or cancer-were generally much smaller and statistically not significant in either sex. We found no clear support for a specific time pattern according to time since a sibling’s death.

CONCLUSIONS: Our study provided evidence for suicide risk associated with the death of a sibling at adult age, revealing that bereaved persons’ risk of suicide is higher when siblings die from suicide, even when adjusting for intrafamily correlation in death risks.