Some random thoughts, in no particular order:

a) From the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 2:41, we read, “Ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold,…if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness.”

b) I didn’t know Ashton’s heart as well as God did, but, as his earthly father, I think I knew it pretty well. He was a good person. He accepted Christ as his Savior and Redeemer. I don’t think he really wanted to end his mortal life; he was trying to end the pain and mental anguish that tormented him. In his “broken” and irrational state of mind, suicide must have seemed like the only way out. He chose a “permanent” solution (as far as mortality is concerned) to a “temporary” problem (the severity of his mental illness) — I think he would have gotten gradually better had he been able to hang in there. I hope that those who read this who might be contemplating suicide understand that those thoughts are NOT rational; they are coming from your “broken” mind, also! Please get help!

c) As Ashton’s father, I have a very small taste of what our Savior, Jesus Christ, does and will do for us — as our advocate with our Heavenly Father. I am not perfect like Jesus is, so don’t have that to offer for my son, Ashton — but I do love Ashton and I like to think of the great mercy our Heavenly Father is extending to Ashton. Because Ashton’s mind was broken, I don’t think he will be accountable to God for having taken his own life. Ashton’s irrational decision to end his life will be swallowed up in the Atonement of Christ, which makes all things right which are unfair about our mortal existence. One of the sympathy cards we received simply said, “I’m sure Ashton did his best.” That brings so much comfort to me! I’m also sure he did!

d) I’d like to list some memories I have of Ashton:

• He was born April 30, 1992, in Rockford, Illinois, when I was in my Family Medicine internship. Faye had struggled with depression, so we weren’t sure if we would have any more children. We were grateful for this “window of wellness” when she could. She spent several days in the hospital during the pregnancy from vomiting and dehydration. When he was born, he had to stay a few extra days in the hospital because of jaundice. Faye’s birthday is May 4. That year, all she wanted for her birthday was to bring her baby home — and she did!
• On July 1 of that year, we moved to Aurora, Colorado, where I completed the final two years of my residency. I remember Ashton learning to walk on his own when I was serving as the camp physician at an Easter Seals camp in the Rocky Mountains for disabled children. Ashton was such a happy baby! He was so welcomed by Faye, me, Candace (7.5 years old) and Jordan (5). I would read him bedtime stories and help him get ready for bed. Those are now especially treasured memories!
• When Ashton was 2, we welcomed Jacob into our home. The day before he was born, we canned dry goods in Denver. Ashton played with his toy trucks on the floor of the cannery as we worked, Faye being “great with child”!
• One of Ashton’s favorite church nursery teachers in Aurora was Julie Piper, whom he called “Sister Bopper.”
• In August 1994, we moved to Whiteriver, AZ, where I worked for four years on the Apache Indian Reservation. We lived in the housing behind the hospital there. Ashton loved to play in the huge water puddle that was nearly perpetual during the rainy season in the street below our house. He liked to go sledding in the snow during the winter. He attended kindergarten on the reservation. Neither he nor any of the Apache kids seemed to notice that he was the only white kid in his class! He had a little girlfriend there, Ariel, whom he kissed on the cheek. He played T-ball there in the summer. He also played soccer. At family council, he would proudly display his soccer medal. When we would ask is he had anything to bring up, he was almost always say, “I won my soccer game!”
• In August 1998, we moved to St. David, where he completed his schooling. He was a good student. He enjoyed Cub Scouts. One of his favorite leaders was Eugene Merrill, who helped him earn all his Webelos activity pins. He also earned his Eagle Scout award. I enjoyed hiking and camping with Ashton.
• Ashton was very good on the piano. He could play almost any hymn in the LDS hymnbook. He also learned to play “Hedwig’s Theme” from “Harry Potter” and “In Dreams” from “Lord of the Rings.”
• Ashton was the best overall gamer I’ve known. One New Year Eve, he and I stayed up past midnight playing “Lord of the Rings Risk.” I think he won; it was very rare that I beat him.
• Ashton rode with me one year in the 25-mile El Tour de Tucson ride. He did a great job. I think we went out to eat afterward.
• Ashton was a very gentle person. Unfortunately, at the end, I think he lost the ability to be gentle with himself; his broken mind had lost the ability to see the good in himself.
• When Faye called me at work on January 28 informing me of Ashton’s suicide, as I drove home, I prayed aloud, “Father, help Ashton to know and feel now how much I love him and how much You love him!” I don’t think Ashton’s broken mind could feel love from those around him nor from God. Again, I’m grateful for the Atonement of Christ, which heals all things broken. I don’t know how or when that happens, but I do have faith that it does happen. I like to think that that happened immediately upon Ashton’s death.

f) Thanks for listening. This has been somewhat cathartic and healing for me to put these feelings down in writing.