Ashton ~ age 2

I learned something today. Something I kinda already knew. I just needed to see it written down to remember that I knew it. I’m glad to be reminded. This is what reminded me:

“You didn’t choose for your loved one to die. No one offered you a choice. You only  get to choose what to do with what has happened. We may choose to die when they die. Or we may choose to live, crippled. We may shuffle about as though all the color has been drained from our world – that is surely the way it feels. Or, we may accept what has happened and move beyond this present despair to a hope-filled life with meaning and purpose.”

“No one can make that choice for you. No one can or should rush you. It takes a long while, this business of moving beyond the pain. On the way you will want to be kind to yourself.”     Living After Suicide, Sue Holtkamp, Ph.D.

Wish I could list all the ways it says to be kind to yourself. There’s 20 of them. Here’s the ones that caught my attention:

– Accept nature’s slow, sure, stuttering process of healing (Love that stuttering word)

– Give yourself massive doses of restful relaxation and routine busyness. (I can do better at the restful relaxation part)

– Surround yourself with life-affirming things: plants, animals and friends. Take minute vacations from your pain to enjoy the wonder of these things.  (Never thought of minute vacations before. I’ll have to try that)

– Understand that sometimes your mind is a jumble. You seem gifted at forgetting things while sentence fragments and half-completed ideas compete for space in your mind. Slow down, give yourself a break and know that this will pass. (Yep, sounds like my brain.)

-“Cut and run” from people who want to tell how you should be feeling or thinking or behaving. There’s an excellent chance they don’t really know. ( I know people this has happened to but it hasn’t happened with me. I have THE most supportive people around me)

-Expect setbacks. Grief doesn’t move in a linear fashion. (See #1, stuttering)

-Accept the reality that you will never be as you were, but that life can be good again. (I have great HOPE that this will happen)

-Refuse to settle for just surviving. Choose to bring from this tragedy a lasting memorial to your beloved. A life well-lived can serve as that memorial. (I REFUSE to settle for just surviving!)

Carter and I have come to the realization that we have to DELIBERATELY CHOOSE to become better, or it won’t happen.

My default response to this pain and heartache is to curl up in a ball, not talk to anyone and not go anywhere.

But…..I HAVE A CHOICE….. and despite this setback, despite Ashton’s absence, despite this pain that I feel…. I choose to live a hope-filled life with meaning and purpose. With Christ’s healing gift, with God’s love and the guidance of His Holy Spirit…. I will do it !

Written by Faye