A couple of months ago, Faye and I watched a Disney Pixar movie, “Inside Out.”[1] I really didn’t know anything about it, just went as an “obedient husband.” I was surprised by the emotions that arose during the movie as I identified with the main character, Riley, and the feeling she had as she grew up and experienced change and loss in her life. Because there were others in the theater, I suppressed my sobs as I thought about the sadness I have felt since Ashton’s death. When we got into the car after the movie, Faye drove and I sobbed like a baby for several minutes in the passenger seat.

As a boy, I cried easily. I was sometimes even called a “cry-baby.” To some degree, I think the underlying message as I grew up was, “Big boys don’t cry.” I certainly don’t cry as easily as I did as a boy, but I still come to tears easier (I think) than many men. As a physician, I wonder if that’s one reason why men tend to die earlier than women: might they suppress and “stuff” their emotions? Might those accumulated “stuffed” emotions manifest itself later in heart disease and heart attacks? Since Ashton’s death, the ability to cry has been a blessing beyond my ability to describe; I think I would have exploded if I had not been able to cry.

I also wonder if it’s somehow “easier” or “more socially acceptable” for a man to be angry than to be sad. As an example: when Faye and I had been married a few years, we were meeting with a counselor to help us through some difficult issues we faced individually and as a couple. In one session, I mentioned that I was angry about something that had happened. The counselor asked me to explain and clarify that more. As I did, I surprised myself as I started to cry. It turns out that the “real” emotion I felt was sadness, but the emotion I showed was anger. That was an insightful experience into my own emotions.

Some things I was reminded of from “Inside Out”: it’s important to acknowledge and name our emotions; similarly, it’s important to accept and validate our emotions. The same would go for our response to others’ emotions: acknowledge, name, accept and validate – not that we want to be an amateur psychologist when someone is in a moment of crisis, but it might be helpful to internally remind ourselves of what the other person might be experiencing.

From the Wikipedia article,[2] the main writer of the film’s story tells about the emotions and discouragement he felt as he was writing the storyline: “He soon reached a breakthrough: that emotions are meant to connect people together, and that relationships are the most important things in life.”

When the story was pitched to [one of the potential actresses – before accepting her part], she broke down in tears, explaining “I just think it’s really beautiful that you guys are making a story that tells kids that it’s difficult to grow up and it’s OK to be sad about it.”[3]

Lance B. Wickman said of grief, “…[Grief] is the natural by product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life it’s richness and meaning.”[4] I believe that. Grief is heart wrenching at times, but it’s a small price to pay for the love I feel for Ashton.

I think it must be hard for others to watch us grieve. Faye has had some health challenges over the past few years. Sometimes it will seem like she is doing better, but then will have setbacks. I sometimes find myself thinking, “I thought she was doing better!” I wonder if it’s like that with others who are watching us grieve – and that’s OK. I appreciate their love and concern. They really WANT us to feel better! One of Shakespeare’s characters, Benedick, says, “Well, everyone can master a grief but he that has it.”[5] A family member whose 15-year-old son died several years ago said, “You don’t get over missing them; you just get used to missing them.” I am finding this to be true for me.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to someone in our audience. I don’t receive any royalties for endorsements, but, again, I highly recommend “Inside Out.” I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Written by Carter

**Pictures are of Ashton and Jordan at Jordan & Rubi’s wedding reception in Honduras – September 2013

[1] This Wikepedia article gives a very good description of the movie, if you’re interested: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inside_Out_(2015_film).

[2] See # 1 above.

[3] See #1 above.

[4] “But If Not,” Ensign 2002.

[5] “Much Ado about Nothing,” google books.