Milestone – Washing Ashton’s Quilt

Today was the day. I knew it needed to happen… but I haven’t been ready. Today I was cleaning up for company coming, folding Ashton’s quilt I used last night. I smelled it, like I always do and knew it was time.

I sent a Facebook message to my sisters:

“FYI – I just need to tell someone….I’m finally putting Ashton’s quilt in the washing machine, on delicate, to wash it. It’s time…little bit of tears, but I’m OK. Thanks for listening!”

After I wrote that to my sisters and read their comments,  there were LOTS of tears. It’s a huge milestone for me.  I made that quilt for him when he went to college. It’s the only blanket he used. It was a snugly kind of blanket, not rigid or heavily quilted.  He would wrap himself in it on the couch and read or watch a movie or sleep. It was still there on the couch the morning he died. I wrapped myself in it and smelled him. I told myself I would never wash it.

He was up early that morning laying on his stomach on the couch with the quilt over him. He was so quiet, not sleeping, just quiet. I was on my way to an appointment, hurrying out the door. I reminded him about taking out the garbage and feeding the chickens. He had  those things done when I got home 2 hours later. He liked to keep me happy and make life comfortable for me.

It’s the quilt I use when I take a nap or just feel chilled when sitting in the recliner watching something on television. It was hard to use at first, but I can use it now. It’s a comfort to me. It is the one thing that still smells like him. Sometimes I would get it out just to smell it.

I just took Ashton’s quilt out of the washing machine and it’s drying now on my bed with the ceiling fan going. His smell is gone… just like he is. There’s a new smell. I used unscented Downey with lots of wild orange essential oil. It’s my favorite scent right now.

Today I was ready. Today I’m moving on in this small way. Cleaning out some of the past. I still have things to clean out, even from the funeral. It’s a start.

Here’s what’s going in my Happiness Jar tonight:

“Ashton’s quilt is clean and fresh again with a new smell. It’s still his… but now it’s mine with a clean new scent for a new start.”

It’s a small milestone, but important to me.

Written by Faye

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3 thoughts on “Milestone – Washing Ashton’s Quilt”

  1. There are things of my son’s I’ve not washed because I have been holding onto his scent. Still not ready to do that yet, to let go of that last bit of him, but I’m making progress. I painted his bedroom and today I started moving my sewing and craft things in there so I can have a crafty room. He always kept light-blocking curtains up, keeping it dark for his video gaming. I was surprised to discover just how much light fills his room now. Here’s to the milestones that mark our journeys.

  2. Your quote at the bottom surmises your blog snd purpose…..
    ” Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty.” ~ Elie Weisel

    Thank you for sharing your journey. I cannot imagine what you have been through, but know the impact you are having by sharing your milestones. It is a blessing.

    Oil up and know your family is prayed for regularly.

  3. You are the strongest (yet gentlest too) person I know. Your heart leads you. Your faith is steadfast. I love and admire you so. I know you and all of your amazing family will be reunited someday and Ashton will be right there whole and perfect.

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