Here are some random thoughts I’ve been having lately.

     Ashton died January 28, 2014. That summer, I did not have the energy or motivation to plant our garden or mow our yard. In the fall, our pigweeds were about 18 inches tall and grew thick in our backyard. A well-meaning acquaintance…who didn’t know about Ashton’s death…offered to mow them for us. In the conversation, he said, “There’s no excuse for letting your weeds get that high!” I didn’t feel like then was the time to say, “Well, let me tell you what’s going on in my life right now.” I didn’t even have the energy to do that. I didn’t have the energy to even care that our yard was crowded with weeds. We hired him to mow our yard that year. I very much appreciate his help in keeping our grass (and weeds) mowed down.

     Last year, I was able to plant a small garden. It was healing for me to participate with God in helping some of His creations grow. I still didn’t feel like mowing, though. The same acquaintance mowed last year.

     This year, we hired a young man to mow in the spring. We finally repaired our DR Trimmer and I was amazed that I had the energy and motivation to mow our yard several times this summer and fall! It DOES make our yard look better! It was healing to get out and physically exert myself!

     One of my patients has been on dialysis for the past several years. I was impressed with how optimistic he is, despite having the spend most of three days per week at the dialysis center…and the rest of those days, he is quite exhausted. He is a man who is accustomed to working physically hard during his lifetime. It was difficult for him to not be able to do that anymore. I asked him how he kept his positive outlook. His response touched me deeply. He said, “As a younger, healthier man, I would go to work every day to earn a living for my family. Now I look at dialysis as my ‘job.’ That’s just what I do on those three days every week.” That has helped him keep a positive attitude during this difficult time. He tries to be cheerful with the staff and other dialysis patients when he has dialysis. That was a lesson for me. For now, one of my main jobs is to grieve and to heal…and that is HARD and exhausting work!

     I have a couple of patients that are “cowboys.” They are quite independent and self sufficient. They are both very large and powerful older men.

     One of these “cowboys” said that going to psychiatrists was “dumb.” “All you have to do is look at your life like a tree. Mentally go down to the ‘trunk’ of your life and see what ‘branches’ you have taken and where those decisions have led you.” He said that was very healing as he dealt with trials in his life. That sounds like a great idea and is something I plan to do.

     The other one came by the office when he heard that Ashton had died. He asked my receptionist if he could speak to me about a non-medical matter for just a minute. When I came to the waiting room, he had tears in his eyes and gave me a huge bear hug and pat on the back and told me how sorry he was for my loss. At a later visit, however, he advised me to not be “too sensitive” about what happens to me in my life.

     I’ve been thinking about these two men: are “cowboys” part of the solution? or are they part of the problem (by insisting on fixing all their own problems)? or both? or neither? I don’t have an answer to that, but it was an interesting thought experiment for me.

     I spoke recently to a friend about the effects of mental illness on those around them. About 30 years ago, his brother developed mental illness and started hearing voices that told him to kill his parents…which, tragically, he did. His brother has been institutionalized since then. This friend commented, “Mental illness is devastating…to the person afflicted by it and by those who love them!”

     For some reason, I thought of Major General William Tecumseh Sherman’s “March to the Sea” during the American Civil War. As he marched, he and his men conducted a “scorched earth” approach to break the military, economic and psychological will of the Confederate people. They lived off the land by taking from its inhabitants their crops and animals, often burning what was left behind. Of course, this is not a “perfect” analogy, but I am amazed that yes, mental illness is devastating to all involved…sometimes for several generations.

     My maternal grandfather suffered from bipolar disorder. He and my grandmother had eight children together. He had several “psychotic breaks,” where he lost touch with reality. The culminating “break” was when he tried to drown my grandmother in the bathtub. I don’t know what delusional thoughts he was having as he carried out this attempt. Fortunately, Grandmother escaped. She filed for divorce and raised her children on her own for a time, then married a widow who also had children. The resultant “blended family” was fraught with many challenges. Many scars were left on the survivors of Grandpa’s mental illness. I think I only saw Grandpa three times before he died; I didn’t get to know him very well at all. Mental illness often has a strong genetic component, and several of Grandpa’s descendants (including Ashton) have suffered from mental illness.

Written by Carter