UofA Red & Blue game with Jordan & Rubi Oct. 2014
When King David’s son, Absalom, was killed, his mourning is recorded in 2 Samuel 18:33: “And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!”
Thanks to a good friend, we were able to attend the UofA Red/Blue scrimmage today in Tucson. Ashton was (maybe still is? I don’t know how that works in the Spirit World) a UofA fan — especially basketball. The word “fan” is short for “fanatic.” That aptly describes Ashton when it comes to UofA basketball.
I was happy to be at the game in Ashton’s honor. On the way out, we got a poster with caricatures of the UofA basketball team — one to mail to Jacob on his mission in Seattle, Washington; the other to post somewhere in our home — in honor of Ashton — he would have wanted one, too.
I also felt some nostalgia today, however: looking at where we sat with Ashton during the game last year, thinking about where we parked, the route we took when we walked to and from the game, etc.
When I arrived home, pictures of Ashton were showing on the screensaver for our home computer. Man, I miss that guy! King David’s lament is aptly worded: “O Ashton, my son, my son!” Waves of sobs of grief come from the very depths of my heart as I write this. I’m grateful to be a man who can cry. Sometimes I need to cry; I feel better when I cry. Do men cry? This one does. Sometimes that’s what this father does when he misses his son as acutely as I do today.
The Prophet Joseph Smith was illegally imprisoned for his religious beliefs in Liberty, Missouri for 6 months. My third-great-grandfather, Alexander McRae, was his bodyguard and was also imprisoned with the Prophet. While there, he served as scribe when Joseph received several revelations. At first, Joseph implores the Lord for relief from the persecution that the members of the Church were suffering. They were driven from their homes in winter, some of them leaving footprints of blood in the snow as they fled their persecutors. Before Ashton died, I also implored God that He would relieve Ashton of the mental anguish that his depression and anxiety were bringing him. At that time, I was reminded of Joseph Smith’s words: “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?…Let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward [me]….” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:1-4)
Did God hear me? Did God hear Joseph Smith? Did God hear Christ when He pled in the Garden of Gethsemane, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt.” (Matthew 26:39)
Yes, yes and yes. God hears all our prayers.
When Ashton died, a friend reminded me that Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.” I need to trust God with ALL my heart; not just the part of my heart that understands what is going on. There are many things that I don’t understand right now — and I may not ever understand in this lifetime. I don’t understand why Ashton’s mind was broken or even exactly HOW it was broken. I DO know, however, that someday I WILL understand.
In Isaiah 55: 8-9, we read, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
I believe that. I believe that God knows more than I do what is best for me, for my son, Ashton, for Joseph Smith and even for His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ. Christ chose to submit Himself to His Father’s will and willingly took upon Himself our sins, sorrows and sufferings.
Continuing on with Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-9 and 122:7, the Lord responded to Joseph Smith with these tender words. I like to insert my name when I can into scriptures — to help them be more personal: “My son [Carter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph …Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands…. Know thou, my son [Carter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”
I believe that. I am grateful for the comforting words of the scriptures! Psalms 119:15 reminds me, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.” The path of grief is thorny and rocky at times. I’m grateful for a lamp and a light to help me navigate this path with as few punctures and bruises as possible!
Written by Carter