I wrote this at the beginning of May. I wasn’t going to post it, but now feel the need to.

Today is Sunday May 1, 2016 – Yesterday was a bless-ed day and I need to write about it. I have been wondering if I could ever see and feel hope again while still living on this earth. I have been wondering if we were ever going to make it through this  life of grief. Ashton’s death has been……… I can’t even describe the struggle it has been for me…..the right words do not come. Carter, Candace, Jordan, Jacob and I did something yesterday that changed my wondering. We met with Carla Mannes, our grief counselor. We have been trying to schedule a family session with her ever since Jacob returned from his mission in August of 2015. Nothing ever worked for everyone’s schedule. Yesterday was Ashton’s birthday……the perfect day to meet together and do this. I picked up Jacob from college in Thatcher on Friday night. Candace met us at 8:30 when we left our home in St. David. We picked up Jordan in Tucson and were on our way. We met at Carla’s house in Mesa at 1:00.  We were there for 4 1/2 glorious hours! Ashton was with us. I felt him!

April 30, 2016 in Carla Mannes’ home

Because of Christ, our son, Ashton, will live again! #Hallelujah

I have always been the one behind the camera in our family. It’s a comfortable place to be. I enjoy taking pictures, especially of our children. That’s one thing I’m glad I did.  Pictures of Ashton are priceless now…….every single picture of him is a treasure.  We have a lot of them because I took them.

Recently, a long time friend asked me…. cautiously….”Is there anything you would do differently?”

I have thought and thought about that. She did caution me to be gentle with myself. Thank you for asking.

I have been looking at pictures of Ashton. There are loads of pictures documenting his life. Many, many with his siblings. Quite a few with his dad. I really wish there were more of him…. and me.

I wanted to be sure, so I took down his photo albums again and started turning the pages. It was a tearful time, looking through that album in search of me and not finding myself there. I am his mother… but there is a handful of newborn pictures and only one more of me with him in all those pictures. I did a whole lot more with that boy that just give birth to him!

Ashton and Mom – 1 hour old

Ashton and Mom – 8 years old

What would I  do differently? One big thing is:

I would get out from behind that safe spot in back of the camera and get in those pictures with my children! 

In choosing what I wanted to do differently, I decided that I want to choose those things that I can do something about now. I had some things on my list that I could do nothing about anymore. Choosing to concentrate on them would have been a waste of time, energy and tears. I took them off the list. In fact, I don’t really have a list anymore. It wasn’t helpful.

(My friend’s reminder to be gentle was key)

I can choose now which side of the camera I want to be on.

So…. here is my beginning. I started last Saturday.

Jacob and Mom – Hike behind Kartchner Caverns – February 27, 2016

We went on a hike with Jacob, and I had Carter take a picture of us. My face is more round than I want it to be. My hair is in a ponytail, whispy and windblown. I don’t have any makeup on. It’s not perfect or professional. But we had a great time together! That hike was documented and I was there…. with my son! That’s all that matters! Nothing else matters! I can’t go back and make that memory again. But I have that picture of him…. and me. No perfect makeup or perfect number on the scale can take the place of that. It just doesn’t matter anymore.

Written by Faye

Ashton playing Candy Land with nephew David

By profession, I am a family physician. My goal is to help my patients to heal from whatever malady they might have. However, my patients often also help me to heal. For example, two days ago, I received this email from a patient who is also a dear friend:

“Hello, Carter,

“We are writing to let you know that you are both in our prayers and our thoughts during these difficult weeks. As with our son [who also passed away in his 20’s], our thoughts often go to times of great enjoyment that we had with him. There are many, many of those. Without a doubt there are many such memories that you have with your son as well.

“May peace and blessings be with you in great abundance at this time.”

Thank you, dear friend, for helping me to heal as I remember that it was two years ago today that Ashton passed away.

With that backdrop, I have chosen to make today “Happy Memories of Ashton Day!” Would you like to join me? If this goes well, we may do this again next year – and maybe every year on January 28.

Here is my memory:

Ashton loved playing games – any type of game. It didn’t matter so much whether he won or lost; he just enjoyed playing. When Ashton was about 14, he and I stayed up on New Year’s Eve playing Lord of the Rings Risk. Ashton’s older brother, Jordan, went to a friend’s house to welcome in the new year. When he came home after midnight, we were still playing. I think we finished at about 1 a.m. I don’t remember who won. I just remember having fun with Ashton and knowing that he was having the time of his life!

Thanks for remembering with me!

Your turn!

Please consider sharing your favorite happy memory on the blog or on Facebook. Please also consider spreading the word through social media so others can share, as well. It’s OK to keep sharing memories over the next several days/weeks/months, too!

Thank you for helping us heal!

Written by Carter

This is a helpful post by Rhonda O’Neill from her blog, The Other Side of Complicated Grief.  She compares grief to climbing a mountain. I read this on a day when  moving forward up my mountain felt almost impossible. She wrote it just for me. Bless you, Rhonda….

Ashton on a mountain top in beautiful Fiji !

Conquering the Mountain of Grief

 “Grief can seem as unconquerable as Mt. Everest.
You have no climbing experience.
You aren’t sure that you’ll survive the elements.
Or, that you have the equipment required to safely climb the mountain.
Your very life is at stake.
You are overwhelmed and exhausted. You feel defeated.
How do you even begin the climb?
Courage.
Have the courage to keep moving, even though it feels like you’ll never make it to the top.
You don’t have to climb the mountain in one day, one year, or even ten years.
But, you do have to keep moving.
You didn’t set out to conquer mountains. You didn’t ask to be left out in the wild, uncontrollable elements of nature. But this is where you find yourself.
You CAN and you must climb this mountain, even though right now it might feel impossible.
Keep moving forward.
Courage and determination.
It feels like you’re alone on your climb, but you’re not
You have guides who have climbed this mountain before, who can share with you the best way to navigate its challenges.
Take one day at a time. One step at a time.
But, keep moving up the mountain.
Eventually, your perspective on the mountain will start to change, and you’ll see more clearly that what you thought was Mt. Everest, is actually a smaller mountain.
You realize that you can do this.
You still have times where the mountain again seems unconquerable, and you may need a day or two to regain your courage.
That is ok. That is part of climbing the mountain.
Climbing a mountain and overcoming grief are both processes that take courage, determination and time.
The journey isn’t about forgetting your loved one. That will never happen.
The journey is about honoring the love you shared and finding a way to get to the top of the mountain where you can experience joy in your life again.
You can learn to live again.
Don’t stay stuck half way up the mountain.
Grief is hard work.
But, you can make it to the top.
One step at a time.”
-Rhonda

Posted by Faye

This post is for those who are grieving…. or if you have a family member or friend who is grieving, this is also for you if you would like to understand those who are grieving during the holidays.

The title of this post is not my own. It came from a book I am reading called, “Through the Eyes of a Lion” by Pastor Levi Lusko. He and his wife lost their 5 year old daughter. I have learned from his writings. The “Hurting With Hope Still Hurts” phrase rings so true with me!

I’m still learning this grief thing. I’m still learning that grief comes when I least expect it. I’m still learning that I have a lot to learn about grief. This is my second holiday season closer to Ashton. I thought…. hoped…. that this time would be a little better.

Nope. Not even.

I just read some articles by Rhonda O’Neill that sparked the writing of this blog post. She writes about grief.  Her first article is what I have felt this past few weeks. Instead of trying to reformulate her words, I will post the links to the articles. They have been so helpful for me and have validated my feelings during this holiday time. Her writings have helped me realize that I am not crazy…. I’m grieving, and I am going to be OK again.

Getting Through the Fog of Grief during the Holidays

Recovering our Broken Hearts after the Holidays

I wrote this in my journal on Christmas day:

“Hurting With Hope Still Hurts! Those who say that time heals all wounds are wrong…. at least so far. Today, I missed Ashton terribly! I know that the Atonement takes away the sting of death. I know that some day I will understand everything about Heavenly Father’s plan for me and for Ashton. I know that Ashton is not hurting anymore and is happy. I know all that… but I’m still left here on earth without him and sometimes I have to  acknowledge that Ashton’s death and the hole that is gaping in our family IS. REALLY. HARD. Christmas day is supposed to be a wonderful day of celebration! I really tried!”

On this last Christmas day I learned something. I learned that I need to acknowledge my grief, even when it’s unexpected. I can’t suppress it. It won’t just go away. I have to go somewhere….  some place where I can be alone and cry it all out. I can’t get over it or around it, I have to let my self go through it.

I want to add that we had a sweet little distraction at our house for Christmas. This little one year old!! She added so much happiness to our Christmas holiday! Of course, she brought her mom and dad and her uncle Jacob was there too. We got to visit Candace’s family in Sierra Vista also. Grandchildren just make life sweet!

I hope those articles are helpful…. for those who are grieving…. and for those who love them.

Written by Faye

The most upbeat man I have ever met!

From December 10-23, we traveled throughout our son, Jacob’s, mission. His two-year mission was to invite people to come unto Christ in the Spokane, Washington area. He returned home in August, but it was just a week before school started, so there wasn’t time then to travel with him. We decided to go on his Christmas break. Jacob served in Medical Lake, Washington for 4.5 months; then Post Falls, Idaho for 3 months; then Bonner’s Ferry for 6 months; then Spokane Valley for the last 12 months.

It’s hard to express how healing it was for me to go with Jacob to meet the people he met and taught and learned to love. Jacob was on his mission when Ashton died. On that day, we spoke by phone for about 90 minutes. We cried together and prayed together. We could have had him come home, but we all felt like he should stay and continue to serve. We felt like that was what God wanted him to do. We all felt like that’s what Ashton would have wanted him to do, also.

By going with Jacob to his mission, we were able to tell the people there “thank you” face-to-face for watching over Jacob while he was not physically with us. One of the ladies he taught has a teen-age son. She told us, “As another mother, I want you to know that your son was watched over and loved while he was away from you.” I can’t tell you what comfort that brought to me. I knew that was happening, but it was healing to see and talk to and hug and thank the people who were angels watching over our son.

In Bonner’s Ferry, I think I met the most upbeat man I have ever known. Within minutes, he captured my heart as he told joke after joke. When he asked about each of our children, we of course included Ashton and mentioned that he had passed away from suicide almost two years ago. His response was “Grand Coolee! That’s the biggest ‘dam’ I can think of!” What a fitting response! He then taught me about “The Law of Investments” as it relates to one reason why it hurts so much to lose a child: parents have invested so much of their time and love to raising their children. Losing one of those children through death causes immeasurable pain.

During our travels, we saw some stunning scenery and beautiful wildlife. We ate some delectable food. We had some nice visits with each other as we drove.

I must confess that Christmas Day was hard for me: I missed my son, Ashton! As we drove to visit Candace and her family in Sierra Vista, we listened to “Lamb of God” by Rob Gardner. My heart was especially tender as I remembered that Christ is acquainted with my grief and carries my sorrows. Because of Him, I will see Ashton again in his resurrected, flawless body, without the limitations of his “broken mind.” I can’t adequately describe what comfort that brings to a grieving father!

Written by Carter

Ashton ~ 2 years old , holding newborn baby brother, Jacob.

Concentrate On The Baby…. I heard this somewhere, from someone, at the beginning of December. It sunk deep, and it has been on my heart and mind ever since. I wish I could remember where I heard it so I can give the proper credit.

I have concentrated on that baby… the baby of Christmas…  and it has been a blessing for me.

I have seen that baby, lying in his manger in the nativities of Christmas. I take a deep breath and remember.

I notice the newborns around me while shopping, at church, at family gatherings and remember that newborn Son.

I hear the music and singing all around me, especially at church today and I take note of how much that baby and His birth is included in the beautiful music of Christmas.

I heard someone mention today about swaddling. She compared the swaddling of the baby Jesus to how Christ’s love swaddles us so we can feel the HOPE we need to feel. When anyone talks about HOPE, I listen.

That Christmas day is almost here, that baby’s celebrated birthday. I remember, as a child, my mother would make a birthday cake on Christmas Eve for the baby Jesus with one candle on it. Children understand and remember birthdays and birthday cakes. It is a tradition I remember fondly.

My sister, Martha, sent us a song by Nichole Nordeman entitled, “Real”, as I was in the middle of this writing. Please listen HERE.  It will touch your heart.

In my sisters words, “Jesus Christ is not a mystery or myth.” That baby was real. “His story is real and it changes everything.”

He is the ultimate source of HOPE and He is why I can keep going.

Concentrate On The Baby…. it will change you. It has deeply blessed me this Christmas season.

Please…. Have A Blessed, Merry Christmas!

Written by Faye