This week was one of many emotions. Faye and I left Monday evening, hoping to attend Danny DeWitt’s viewing. We left later than we’d hoped and traffic was at a standstill on the freeway for about half hour – so we didn’t make it. We stayed in a hotel in Mesa, then attended his funeral Tuesday morning. I hugged Danny’s widow, Lisa, and each of their five beautiful/handsome children. I showed them the “business card” Danny had written on when we were companions.

After the funeral, I showed Lisa the white shirt I wore when the members in San Cristobal, Venezuela surprised me with a farewell party. One of their traditions was to cut the missionary’s tie and write “Have a good trip!” and “Don’t forget us!” type of messages on the shirt. Danny wrote two messages on the shirt.

The funeral was healing for me. I was able to remember with fondness the good times Danny and I had together as missionaries. We were able to spend a few occasions together after the mission, also. His funeral was well-attended, as suicide funerals often are. I’ve thought about why that is: Is it because the attendees put themselves in the place of the survivors and imagine how much grief and pain they must be feeling at that time – and they want to be there to support them? Is it because the attendees are trying to imagine how it might feel to be THAT despondent and hopeless – to take one’s own life? Are attendees looking for healing and understanding and hope themselves in such a bleak situation?

A few comments made in the funeral struck me: one of the speakers asked (paraphrasing), “What can we learn from Danny’s suicide?” I haven’t been in touch with Danny enough to know the “backstory,” but, when we were companions, pound-for-pound, he was probably the physically strongest person I had ever known. I wonder if his physical strength worked against him in dealing with his emotional setbacks? Was he so accustomed to overpowering and “fixing” things that he thought he could do that with his emotional challenges, also – whatever they were? That “manly” approach to emotional challenges just doesn’t work. Was he so accustomed to “fixing” things that he would not allow others to help him when he felt down? A couple of comments were made that ”…he’s not in pain anymore…” Was this emotional pain? Physical pain? Both? I don’t really need answers to these questions; just processing is all.

Mention was made in the funeral that one of Danny’s older brothers also took his own life several years ago. I wonder what effect that had on Danny? The risk of suicide increases in patients with a family history of suicide.[1] One of my paternal cousin’s sons took his life about three years before Ashton took his. Mental illness runs in my mother’s side of the family; the “genetic link” may not fit these two suicides in my family.

“Forgiveness” was also mentioned in the funeral. I don’t know what that refers to in Danny’s life, but I am more impressed the longer I live with the importance of forgiveness. Today I am fasting (going without food or water for 24 hours – as best as I can) for help from God in acknowledging whom I need to forgive. Several names and faces came to mind. I’m reminded of what a beautiful gift the Atonement is in helping me to forgive those around me for large and small irritations in my life!

Another missionary who served with Danny was visiting Phoenix on business the day before Danny’s death. He had 10-15 minutes to spare in catching his flight and decided to pay Danny a brief visit. When he found out about Danny’s suicide, he was berating himself that he couldn’t pick that up while he was there. I tried as best I could to comfort him and have prayed that he would have peace. It’s quite possible that nobody but Danny and God knew that Danny was going to take his own life; Danny may have wanted it that way – so he wouldn’t be stopped from doing so.

Faye and I went to the cemetery, where Danny’s son dedicated the grave as the final resting place for Danny’s body; Danny’s son had come home from his mission for the funeral. He is in the middle in the photo above, still wearing his missionary name tag. I saw Danny’s oldest brother talking to Danny’s son before dedicating the grave. It made me smile to wonder if he was assuming his rightful role as “patriarch” in the extended family by “coaching” the son on how to dedicate a grave?

Written by Carter

Endnote:

[1]TITLE: Suicide following the death of a sibling: a nationwide follow-up study from Sweden.

AUTHORS: Rostila M, Saarela J, Kawachi I

SOURCE: BMJ Open. 2013;3(4)

OBJECTIVES: The death of a sibling can trigger grief and depression. Sibling deaths from external causes may be particularly detrimental, since they are often sudden. We aimed to examine the association between the death of an adult sibling from external causes and the risk of suicide among surviving siblings up to 18 years after bereavement. We adjusted for intrafamily correlation in death risks, which might occur because of shared genetics and shared early-life experiences of siblings in the same family.

DESIGN: A follow-up study between 1981 and 2002 based on the total population.

SETTING: Sweden.

PARTICIPANTS: Swedes aged 25-64 years (n=1 748 069).

PRIMARY AND SECONDARY OUTCOME MEASURES: Suicide from the Swedish cause of death register.

RESULTS: An increased risk of mortality from suicide was found among persons who had experienced the death of a sibling. In women, the suicide risk was 1.55 times that of non-bereaved persons (95% CI 0.99 to 2.44), and in men it was 1.28 times higher (95% CI 0.93 to 1.77). If one sibling committed suicide, the risk of the remaining sibling also committing suicide was 3.19 (95% CI 1.23 to 8.25) among women and 2.44 (95% CI 1.34 to 4.45) among men. Associations with other main causes of death-such as external other than suicide, cardiovascular diseases or cancer-were generally much smaller and statistically not significant in either sex. We found no clear support for a specific time pattern according to time since a sibling’s death.

CONCLUSIONS: Our study provided evidence for suicide risk associated with the death of a sibling at adult age, revealing that bereaved persons’ risk of suicide is higher when siblings die from suicide, even when adjusting for intrafamily correlation in death risks.

Elder Carter Mayberry and Elder Danny DeWitt

It is with great sadness that I report the death of my good friend, Danny DeWitt, who took his own life on Thursday, November 20, 2015. My heart is tender as I remember the good times we had together. Some memories:

He was my last companion before I completed my eighteen-month full-time mission in the Venezuela-Maracaibo Mission in March 1983. We served together in San Cristobal, in the state of Tachira. Do you know how sometimes you just “click” with some companions or roommates? Well, Elder DeWitt and I “clicked.” We worked hard. And we played hard – while still following mission rules. It was during that time together that I experienced the most success as a missionary in San Cristobal.

One couple was returning to activity in the Church and asked Elder DeWitt and I to bless their children, ages about 2 and 4 – so their names would be on the records of the Church. I asked the parents why they asked us to do that and they said could tell that Elder DeWitt and I loved each other and got along – allowing for the Spirit to work through us as we blessed their children.

We were both extremely competitive. I was better at distance running and he was better at sprints. I remember one morning jogging together and deliberately taking him on a route that would end with a steep hill before sprinting back to the apartment. Just before running up the hill, I said, “Race you back to the apartment!” I knew that getting his legs and lungs tired running up the hill was the only chance of beating him. He groaned aloud, but didn’t let me off easily as we huffed and puffed up the hill and back home – and I won.

About five years ago, we had a mission reunion in Utah. I hadn’t seen him in several years. He had gained a lot of weight. I teased him about that and said, “Now maybe I can beat you in a sprint!” Not backing down, he said with a smile, “Let’s go out in the parking lot and see what you’ve got!” That caught me off guard enough that I was the one who backed down, thinking, “Maybe he’s still got more than I think!”

4th from left, Danny DeWitt – Far right, Carter Mayberry

Elder DeWitt was the mission’s arm wrestling champion. I think we had a zone conference and we met at the mission office afterward. He said to Elder Lovell, “I’ve heard you’re the one I need to beat at arm wrestling!” – and they sat down at the kitchen table to settle it right then. Elder DeWitt won seemingly easily. President Karl Fenn came in to see what the ruckus was about and he challenged Elder DeWitt, who reluctantly agreed to the contest. Again, Elder DeWitt won.

L to R – Danny DeWitt, Keith Ingersoll, Elder Cunningham

I returned home from my mission a few months before Elder DeWitt. I was living and working in the Phoenix area. I called his parents, who invited me over to show pictures of my mission. Nice folks! When Danny and Lisa were married in the Mesa Temple, he invited us to the ceremony. I felt honored to be there.

After our son, Ashton, died from suicide January 28, 2014, Elder DeWitt had to cancel his plans to come to the funeral because of pneumonia. He informed me of this in the last text I received from him on January 31, 2014. A few weeks later, I saw him at Pres. Fenn’s funeral. A few weeks after that, I saw him again at a dinner organized by Elder McKay Pearson and his wife. They live in Salt Lake City, but were visiting the Phoenix area for a half marathon. Elder Gary Crosby and his wife were also there. It was comforting for me to be near my good friends and brothers in the gospel during the time my grief was especially very fresh and raw. That was the last time I saw Danny DeWitt in this lifetime.

Written by Carter

I went shopping early today. I wanted to get my few last minute things in peace without the people and waiting factors that seem to happen on the day before Thanksgiving. While in the produce section I passed by a lady who looked up at me and said, “Happy Thanksgiving!”. I said, ” Thank you, Happy Thanksgiving to you!”  She seemed extra cheerful. The man next to her, her husband I assume, said the same thing to me, “Happy Thanksgiving!” I returned the sentiment and went on my way, pushing my cart, with a happier heart and a brighter attitude. I noticed that couple again in the store and heard them wish others a Happy Thanksgiving as they did to me. I wondered…. did they plan to say that to those they met today? Did they say to each other before coming to the store, “Let’s wish everyone we see there a Happy Thanksgiving,” or is that just who they are? Does brightening the day for others come naturally to them?  Whatever the reason, it made an impression on me and I’ve been thinking about that all day.

I went to the store this morning a little downhearted, knowing that another Thanksgiving was coming with out Ashton. It was the kind of day where I knew I needed to find some HOPE or JOY. I headed to the Christmas department and did find a Joy To The World ornament. It is mine now. HOPE is still hard to find.

I am so grateful for that couple…. for their innocent, happy comment to me. It changed the course of my day and reminded me that there is so much good in the world. I don’t even know them, but now I wish I did. I wonder how many hearts they lifted during their Walmart trip today?

I’m in charge of the veggie tray for our Thanksgiving feast. My big family… I love ’em! We each bring a little to contribute to the big feast. I’m home now chopping and cutting and preparing for tomorrow when I see them all. The sadness has passed and I am ready and happy to be with them soon. Our children and grandchildren will be there. We can brighten and lift each other.

Families… that’s what this earth life is all about. We share the hardest times and the happiest times with each other. It’s my family who reminds me that I have so much to be grateful for. It’s my family that helps me find the HOPEfulness I am looking for. Today…. it’s my family….. all my brothers and sisters on the earth….  as we share this earth life together…. reminding me that we can help each other be more grateful and HOPEful.

Written by Faye

I’m in love with my new license plate! I have never felt the need to have a personalized plate…  but this one needed to happen! That UofA ‘A’ will always be Ashton’s ‘A’.  I need to let the University of Arizona know that bit of important information.

I want the whole world to see  and never forget his beautiful name!!

I have been thinking a lot about the Atonement of Jesus Christ[1] lately. I don’t pretend to be an “expert” in the Atonement, but I will share some thoughts about what the Atonement has meant for me. As usual, if this is helpful for you, please use it however you see fit. If it’s NOT helpful for you, please set it aside; perhaps something else in this blog WILL be helpful for you.

I am reading Elder Dallin H. Oaks’[2] book The Lord’s Way[3]. In pages 222-224, Elder Oaks teaches about suffering as it relates to repentance. I thought of the suffering I have and am experiencing as a result of grief and mourning from Ashton’s death. Quoting from the book, “…this suffering has a different purpose than punishment or payment. Its purpose is change. The fruits of the [mourner’s] personal suffering are the broken heart and contrite spirit described in the scriptures…The broken heart and contrite spirit…introduce the [mourner] to the change necessary to conform his life to the pattern prescribed by his Redeemer.” If you find this approach helpful, I suggest reading this section of Elder Oaks’ book.

While the suffering I have experienced through grief has been more painful than I can express, I hope that it has helped – and will continue to help – change my heart so that it is more open and receptive to God’s influence and to the needs of others who are also suffering.

Faye’s recent blog post[4] is about our grandchildren’s church program that we attended last week. I’d like to share two things that touched me during that program.

First, our 4-year-old granddaughter, Clara’s, story about how she put band aids on Jesus’ “owies.” The photo from Faye’s post is the wallpaper on my phone. Truly, “out of the mouth of babes”[5] is how I am often taught. The simplicity and pureness of that act just melts this grandfather’s heart.

Second, one of the songs in the program was “I Know That the Savior Loves Me.”[6] Here are the lyrics:

A long time ago in a beautiful place,

Children were gathered ‘round Jesus.

He blessed and taught as they felt of His love.

Each saw the tears on His face.

The love that He felt for His little ones

I know He feels for me.

I did not touch Him or sit on His knee,

Yes, Jesus is real to me.

Chorus:

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

This children’s song is referring to when the Savior appeared to His people in the American continent, shortly after His resurrection. He invited them to come forward one-by-one and feel with their hands the wounds of the sword in His side and of the nails in His hands and feet.[7] This was a multitude of 2,500 men, women and children. Later that day, He invited the multitude to bring forth all those “who were afflicted in any manner” and He healed them, one-by-one. He told them, “…I have compassion upon you. My bowels are filled with mercy.” He then invited them to bring their children to Him. As they surrounded Him, He knelt and prayed to the Father, using words too marvelous to be written. He then said, “Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full.” He then wept, blessed each child one-by-one, prayed unto the Father for them, and wept again. Angels then descended from heaven to minister unto the children as fire surrounded the children.[8]

What exactly Jesus said when he prayed for them, what exactly the angels did as they ministered unto the children, and what exactly the fire looked like – I don’t know – but it must have been an experience beyond any mortal’s ability to describe or express. I like to picture myself being present and eyewitness to these glorious events. I like to picture myself taking Ashton forward – in the broken and delusional state of mind[9] that tormented him the last several months of his life – to be healed by Jesus. What joy this thought brings to this father’s broken heart! What comfort it brings me to know that that is exactly what has happened as Ashton is in Jesus’ loving and understanding presence even as I write this post – healed in every whit from those delusional afflictions he suffered in mortality.

As I recently read these passages of scripture, I said aloud to myself, “I choose to believe that!”[10] When an interviewer asked President Gordon B. Hinckley if he really believed, he promptly responded, “Yes, sir. That’s the miracle of it!”[11] What a concise response! I agree wholeheartedly as I express my belief in these passages: Of course I believe it! Isn’t miraculous?!

Religion has been called “opium of the people.”[12] I have never used opium, but I have seen the beneficial effect of one of opium’s derivatives, morphine, in relieving pain and suffering in my own patients. Faye recently had sinus surgery. I stood by her side in the post-operative area and helplessly watched the facial grimace from pain melt away when the nurse gave her some intravenous morphine.  It was a relief for me to know we are blessed to have medications that can so quickly relieve the suffering of someone I love dearly. For me, the differences between opium (or morphine) and my spiritual beliefs is that a) the drugs only have a temporary effect and b) the drugs can become addicting. In contrast, my spiritual beliefs have brought me lasting peace and comfort. Used as God intended, religion can have a profound, lasting, positive change on the individual, who can then allow God to work through him to bless society.

I thank God, the Eternal Father, for the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ![13] What peace and comfort these bedrock beliefs have brought to me in the midst of my pain and suffering. I pray that this suffering and broken heart will lead to lasting change that God would want to see occur in my life.

Written by Carter

[1] Bible Dictionary and The Guide to the Scriptures

[2] https://www.lds.org/church/leader/dallin-h-oaks?lang=eng

[3] Deseret Book

[4] Adding HOPE

[5] Matthew 21:16

[6] “I Know That My Savior Loves Me” (It’s especially touching for me to see the painting of a child looking up at Jesus just after the song in this reference.)

[7] 3 Nephi 11: 9-15

[8] 3 Nephi 17: 5-25

[9] Ashton’s Mental Health Journey, Part 3 of 4

[10] “Choose to Believe” by Elder L. Whitney Clayton

[11] “60 Minutes’ Mike Wallace & President Gordon B. Hinckley,” YouTube video

[12] Karl Marx quote (in context)

[13] First Article of Faith

Carter and I attended a children’s program this past Sunday at our daughter’s congregation in Sierra Vista, Arizona. Our grandchildren were part of the program. When children sing and speak it melts my heart. This day was no exception. Even in the beginning when all the children were coming up to get in their places, the tears started. The spirit is abundant with children at church. The songs they sang rang of Jesus Christ and how He lives and He loves them. They sang of Christ’s Atonement:

Our 4 year old granddaughter, Clara, had a part in the program. She said:  “Jesus loves me. He got owies for me. I put bandaids on His owies. But my mom said He is all better now. I love Jesus.”

 This is a picture my daughter took of Clara on April 6, 2015. It is a treasure.

Candace says: “I found Clara in my room with my Christus statue down from my dresser, which I normally don’t let her play with. But as soon as I saw what she was doing… my heart melted! She had gotten out a box of bandaids and had carefully placed a bandaid over each of Jesus’ “owies” on the Christus. Clara, age 3 then, said, ‘Jesus got owies. I’m goina make Him feel better.’ She calls the marks on Jesus’ hands, feet and side “owies” because I have taught her about Jesus in a simple way by saying “He got owies for us because He loves us.” I told Clara that I thought Jesus felt very happy that she had put bandaids on his owies. I told her that Jesus is all better now; His owies are all better.”

Thinking of  the approaching holiday season and Clara’s sweet, childlike, HOPEFUL attempt to help Jesus feel better… I am reminded of my search for JOY last Christmas. I wrote about it HERE and HERE. Reading these posts again and the Joy reports in between, I can see that looking for the word JOY was just a needed distraction from the grief I was  feeling then. It really was a blessing to have so many helping me in my JOY finding. Thank you all for your contributions of JOY last Christmas. I loved and needed all of it.

I have started my search again as Christmas is coming into the shopping scene. I’ve started early. There’s already some new, beautiful JOY out there to take pictures of and add to my JOY collecting.

I would like to let you all know that because of some very inspiring things I’ve heard and read lately, I have felt strongly to add HOPE to my search this year. It just feels right. The addition of HOPE fits right along with JOY and feels very right.

This Thanksgiving and Christmas season I will be focusing on JOY and HOPE!!!

I haven’t noticed much HOPE out there yet, maybe it’s because I haven’t been looking for it. I am optimistic that it is out there, to be found in more than just the written word.

“… Because of a perfect Son and His sacrifice for me… Where there was darkness, there is now light. Where there was despair and pain, there is JOY and HOPE.”   Thomas S. Monson

Would you like to join me? Do you need to look for JOY and HOPE too? You are most welcome to tag along!! I HOPE you will. Let me know what you find.

Yes, Clara… and to all the children in that program on Sunday… I, too, know that Jesus lives and loves me. His scars are proof of that. I, too, want to follow Him faithfully. I will not stop and I am not giving up the HOPE I have in Him just because of the last twenty-one life-altering months we have experienced without Ashton. I don’t have to completely understand it to be immensely grateful for the HOPE Christ’s Atonement brings.

Written by Faye

Ashton – Halloween – Age 8

Confession: I’m a “control freak.” I had a couple of conversations and experiences this week that were insightful. I hope to convey them clearly in my blog post today. My hope is that this is helpful for someone. If it’s not helpful for you, please set it aside; perhaps something else in this blog will be more useful.

I attended a medical conference this week and ran into another physician I had worked with 20 years ago. He and his wife invited me to sit with them during lunch yesterday. We chatted about how our respective families were doing. I felt like they should know about Ashton’s suicide in January 2014, so I updated them on that and how we are coping. I appreciated their love and comforting words. Paraphrasing, he said, “Being a physician, it may have been helpful for you to recognize that there are so many things over which you really don’t have control. Sometimes parents naively assume that they are going to mold their children into perfect human beings – only to find out that there is no such thing!” That was very comforting.

In another conversation, a friend shared with me a thought he heard in a Bible study, “If I had to survive today on the things for which I thanked God yesterday – could I?” That was a very thought-provoking reminder that everything I have came from God.

Today in Sunday school class, our lesson was on “Obedience.”[1] I felt the impression to make the following comment. I don’t know if it came from someone else or if it was an impression from the Holy Ghost:[2] “There are very few things over which I have ultimate control. However, I always have control over the attitude with which I approach my circumstances.”

One of the examples of obedience discussed in the lesson was Abraham, who was commanded to sacrifice his son, Isaac. The teacher asked, “How would that feel as a parent to be commanded to sacrifice one of your children?” Faye and I squeezed each other’s hands as we both thought of Ashton.

I will now write some in the singular. Faye and I have experienced this grief together, but I am inadequate in expressing the feelings of a mother and would not even attempt to do so.[3]

Yes, it was a sacrifice to send Ashton on his mission to Fiji. This is something that our resurrected Lord commanded His disciples to do – to “Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.”[4] This mandate was renewed through living prophets.[5] It was a sacrifice for me to watch Ashton struggle with depression while on his mission. Some have suggested that he developed depression and delusions[6] because he was on his mission. I choose to believe that he would have developed depression and delusions if he had stayed home, also. It was a sacrifice for me to watch him struggle with depression and delusions after he came home from his mission. It was very difficult that I, as a physician who tries to help people heal from their infirmities, could do nothing to help him feel better. I clearly remember a conversation I had with Ashton when he was driving me home from church meetings one Sunday. I said, “Ashton, I don’t feel like I should give you advice or counsel at this time, as I often have as your father. I feel like my job right now is to love you – and I can do that!” I did my very best to show and express my love to him. What a comfort that is to me!

Yes, it was a sacrifice for me to send Ashton on his mission – but I don’t think we could have stopped him from serving his mission; he knew that’s where he should be and he was going to serve, regardless of the challenges and obstacles he might face. Even though it has been a sacrifice for me, it has also been a privilege for me to learn all I have throughout this sacrifice. I would do it all over again. Ashton is OK. We’re going to be OK. I would do it all again.

The Holy Ghost is the third member of the Godhead (God, the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are the other two). He is a Personage of spirit, which allows Him to communicate with our spirits. He is also called the Comforter.[7] The comfort I have received from the Holy Ghost is something that I am inadequate in expressing[8] – but it is nonetheless very real.

We have worked hard at doing the big and little things to have our home be somewhere that the Holy Ghost feels welcome and comfortable. By doing so, our home has been a source of tremendous peace and comfort for me.

Another source of comfort is the sealing ordinances of the temple. A typical marriage ceremony includes the words, “Till death do us part.” In comparison, when Faye and I were married, the words used instead were, “For time and all eternity.” We are husband and wife after death, also. We are “sealed”[9] to one another and to God. The children born to us are also sealed to us throughout the eternities. We have found great comfort in attending the temple frequently to be reminded of these promises we made to God and to each other – and that He made to us – in the temple.

The Tucson, Arizona Temple groundbreaking ceremony was yesterday.[10] When the temple is completed, there will be an open house, where anyone who is interested can tour the temple and feel God’s love for His children as they keep His commandments. I invite all who are interested to attend the open house, to learn about sacred beliefs that have brought me such comfort and peace. I hope that you will have an open heart to the feelings that will come to you while you are there.[11]

I am amazed at how many things over which I have little or no control. Frankly, it’s also a relief that I mainly just need to worry about me – and that’s more than enough! I am grateful to know God, who has ultimate control over all things. I trust Him.

Written by Carter

[1] Gospel Principles, Chapter 35, “Obedience”

[2] Bible Dictionary, “Holy Ghost”

[3] “Because I Live, Ye Shall Live, Also.” This is a very comforting talk given by Elder Shayne M. Bowen about comfort available to parents who have lost children through death.

[4] Mark 16:15

[5] See Doctrine and Covenants 68:8 for one example

[6] Ashtonslegacy.com, post April 8, 2015

[7] Bible Dictionary, “Comforter”

[8] “An Unspeakable Gift from God”

[9] Christ told his apostle, Peter, “And I will give unto thee the keys of heaven, and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven…” Matt 16:19

[10] “Ground Broken for Temples in Chile and the U.S.”

[11] Tucson Arizona Temple

A couple of months ago, Faye and I watched a Disney Pixar movie, “Inside Out.”[1] I really didn’t know anything about it, just went as an “obedient husband.” I was surprised by the emotions that arose during the movie as I identified with the main character, Riley, and the feeling she had as she grew up and experienced change and loss in her life. Because there were others in the theater, I suppressed my sobs as I thought about the sadness I have felt since Ashton’s death. When we got into the car after the movie, Faye drove and I sobbed like a baby for several minutes in the passenger seat.

As a boy, I cried easily. I was sometimes even called a “cry-baby.” To some degree, I think the underlying message as I grew up was, “Big boys don’t cry.” I certainly don’t cry as easily as I did as a boy, but I still come to tears easier (I think) than many men. As a physician, I wonder if that’s one reason why men tend to die earlier than women: might they suppress and “stuff” their emotions? Might those accumulated “stuffed” emotions manifest itself later in heart disease and heart attacks? Since Ashton’s death, the ability to cry has been a blessing beyond my ability to describe; I think I would have exploded if I had not been able to cry.

I also wonder if it’s somehow “easier” or “more socially acceptable” for a man to be angry than to be sad. As an example: when Faye and I had been married a few years, we were meeting with a counselor to help us through some difficult issues we faced individually and as a couple. In one session, I mentioned that I was angry about something that had happened. The counselor asked me to explain and clarify that more. As I did, I surprised myself as I started to cry. It turns out that the “real” emotion I felt was sadness, but the emotion I showed was anger. That was an insightful experience into my own emotions.

Some things I was reminded of from “Inside Out”: it’s important to acknowledge and name our emotions; similarly, it’s important to accept and validate our emotions. The same would go for our response to others’ emotions: acknowledge, name, accept and validate – not that we want to be an amateur psychologist when someone is in a moment of crisis, but it might be helpful to internally remind ourselves of what the other person might be experiencing.

From the Wikipedia article,[2] the main writer of the film’s story tells about the emotions and discouragement he felt as he was writing the storyline: “He soon reached a breakthrough: that emotions are meant to connect people together, and that relationships are the most important things in life.”

When the story was pitched to [one of the potential actresses – before accepting her part], she broke down in tears, explaining “I just think it’s really beautiful that you guys are making a story that tells kids that it’s difficult to grow up and it’s OK to be sad about it.”[3]

Lance B. Wickman said of grief, “…[Grief] is the natural by product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life it’s richness and meaning.”[4] I believe that. Grief is heart wrenching at times, but it’s a small price to pay for the love I feel for Ashton.

I think it must be hard for others to watch us grieve. Faye has had some health challenges over the past few years. Sometimes it will seem like she is doing better, but then will have setbacks. I sometimes find myself thinking, “I thought she was doing better!” I wonder if it’s like that with others who are watching us grieve – and that’s OK. I appreciate their love and concern. They really WANT us to feel better! One of Shakespeare’s characters, Benedick, says, “Well, everyone can master a grief but he that has it.”[5] A family member whose 15-year-old son died several years ago said, “You don’t get over missing them; you just get used to missing them.” I am finding this to be true for me.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to someone in our audience. I don’t receive any royalties for endorsements, but, again, I highly recommend “Inside Out.” I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Written by Carter

**Pictures are of Ashton and Jordan at Jordan & Rubi’s wedding reception in Honduras – September 2013

[1] This Wikepedia article gives a very good description of the movie, if you’re interested: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inside_Out_(2015_film).

[2] See # 1 above.

[3] See #1 above.

[4] “But If Not,” Ensign 2002.

[5] “Much Ado about Nothing,” google books.

I haven’t written a post for our blog in about three months. Honestly, I haven’t felt the need to write — but recently I have felt like there are people in my “audience” who are concerned about me and need to hear how I’m doing. I appreciate everyone’s ongoing love and support. It means more than I can express to feel that from you.

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot about trusting God lately. Yesterday, I wondered to myself, “Is Ashton doing OK now? Will he be OK in the eternities?” I know the circumstances are different, but the phrase, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” sometimes comes to mind. With Ashton’s “broken mind,” I don’t think he knew what he was doing. I don’t think he is accountable. Yesterday (and other times) I guess I needed some divine reassurance. The thought that came to me that I believe was from God: Ashton will be judged by God and no one else. My job at this point is to trust God.

The following are some things that have helped me remember to trust God:

In Christ’s original church, there was a priesthood office of “evangelist.” Today, that same priesthood office is called “patriarch.” A congregation in Christ’s modern church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) is called a “ward” and has roughly 300 members. A group of roughly 10 wards is called a “stake.” Isaiah (see 33:20 and 54:2) compares Zion to a tent, with stakes which help to hold it up. One definition of “Zion” today is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Today there are over 3000 “stakes” to help hold up Zion. The northern half of Cochise County of Arizona comprises the St. David Arizona Stake.

Each stake has a patriarch. The current patriarch in my stake is a schoolteacher who lives in Pomerene, Arizona. He is an ordinary man, with an ordinary occupation, probably much like his predecessor evangelists in Christ’s original church. However, the main responsibility of his priesthood office is to pronounce what are called “patriarchal blessings” to the members of the stake. Each church member is encouraged to receive one of these blessings in their lifetime. The patriarch prayerfully prepares himself, places his hands upon the recipient’s head and pronounces a personal and private blessing that is guided by God through the spirit of prophesy and revelation to help the recipient know what blessings God has in store for them. Patriarchal blessings have been said to “contain chapters from [an individual’s] life’s book of possibilities” (Thomas S. Monson, “Your Celestial Journey”). The patriarchal blessing is recorded and then transcribed so the recipient can read and reflect on it later in their life.

When I was 17-years-old, my stake patriarch was Glen Goodman, again an ordinary man whose occupation was the postmaster.  He has since passed away. At the time of my blessing, I didn’t know exactly what some of the statements in the blessing were referring to, but they are evidence to me now that God knows me and He was helping me prepare for the challenges I am facing now – 36 years later. Among other things, my patriarchal blessing states, “I bless you with faith in the Lord to follow him, and to believe in Him, and to trust Him in all things.”

These promises are evidence to me that God knows me and loves me. He knows the beginning from the end. When I was 17, He knew that I would be dealing with Ashton’s suicide today. He gave me these blessings through an ordinary man to remind me of His love for me and to remind me that I need to trust Him. Proverbs tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Shortly after Ashton’s death, a friend reminded me that I need to trust God with ALL my heart – not just the part of my heart that I understand. And there’s a lot that I don’t understand right now – for sure! Since Ashton’s death, this scripture has been one of my anchors. For a time, I read it aloud nearly every morning and then would say aloud, “I believe that!”

During Christ’s ministry, “…many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou has the words of eternal life.” (John 6:66-68)

“The Lord’s way is not hard. Life is hard, not the gospel. ‘There is an opposition in all things,’ everywhere, for everyone. Life is hard for all of us, but life is also simple. We have only two choices. We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love, and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone—without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair. And I ask, which way is easier?” (Lawrence E. Corbridge, “The Way”)

In The Book of Mormon, the prophet Nephi said, “…I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions… O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever…” (2 Nephi 4: 19-35).

The Book of Mormon later teaches about a people who were miraculously delivered by God out of bondage to their enemies. Their prophet-king reminded them, “[God] did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him” (Mosiah 29:20).

In a way, I have been in “bondage” to grief. As I have trusted God, He has delivered me from the pain and anguish that often accompanies that grief. I humbly acknowledge His deliverance.

Jeffery R. Holland (“Look to God and Live“) tells a story about his neighbor, Katie Lewis, whose older brother was battling leukemia:

As [Katie’s mother] entered her home [one day], four-year-old Katie ran up to her with love in her eyes and a crumpled sheaf of papers in her hand. Holding the papers out to her mother, she said enthusiastically, “Mommy, do you know what these are?”

[Katie’s mother] said frankly her first impulse was to deflect Katie’s zeal and say she didn’t feel like playing just then. But she thought of her children—all her children—and the possible regret of missed opportunities and little lives that pass too swiftly. So she smiled through her sorrow and said, “No, Katie. I don’t know what they are. Please tell me.”

“They are the scriptures,” Katie beamed back, “and do you know what they say?”

[Katie’s mother] stopped smiling, gazed deeply at this little child, knelt down to her level, and said, “Tell me, Katie. What do the scriptures say?”

“They say, ‘Trust Jesus.’” And then she was gone.

[Katie’s mother] said that as she stood back up, holding a fistful of her four-year-old’s scribbling, she felt near-tangible arms of peace encircle her weary soul and a divine stillness calm her troubled heart.

Katie Lewis, … I’m with you. … I too say, ‘Trust Jesus.’…

Oh, dearly, dearly has he loved!

And we must love him too,

And trust in his redeeming blood,

And try his works to do. (Hymns, “There is a Green Hill Far Away”)

Thanks again for your love and support. I also humbly acknowledge God’s hand, His love and His sustaining influence. I’m grateful for the opportunities that life has given me to choose to believe and to trust Him.

Written by Carter