We have a favorite spot up on Mt Graham. It’s peaceful there. We just got back from 4 days of peace and beauty.

We discovered this spot during the year after Ashton died. There’s a beautiful hike close to our campground. We picked and ate the plentiful wild raspberries then that grew along the trail, and came upon 2 owls in a tree close to the trail as we returned back to the campground at dusk. We and the owls just looked at each other for awhile before they flew off. They were beautiful. It was magical.

This time… we found a few small ripe raspberries again, I searched for heart rocks to take back home with me…noticed lots of colorful fungi growing through the bark of the blackened trees, and searched for the vanilla scented bark of the Ponderosa Pine. 

We also got to witness a stunning view of the Gila Valley.

There were no owls this time… maybe that was a once in a lifetime sighting.

There has been a fire in this area since we last camped here. It’s noticeable… but I also noticed that there’s still beauty and peace in the new growth among the blackness. For some of the bigger trees I noticed the blackness at the base where the fire tried to harm but couldn’t catch hold. The tree still stood straight and tall and healthy. It looked well and at peace despite the deep colored scars.

That’s what I want…peace and wellness despite the scars of life I’ve acquired. Don’t we all have some? How do you handle your scars? Do you search for peace like I do? I’m sure we all have different searchings…ways of coping and healing.

Me…I have a never ending search for peace.

I’ve found my hope though…My Savior gives me that. I love Him deeply for it.

Written by Faye

At the beginning of summer a friend offered me some thornless blackberry starts.

I don’t plant right now.

But I wanted to plant again.

So I took them.

Hoping.

They sat for awhile in some old buckets on my porch. I watered them to keep them alive and looked at them as I passed by. I really wanted to try planting something again and the desire kept coming.

After a few days, I cleared a spot by the fence in our old garden plot and I planted.

I planted blackberries! In my garden!

They needed care. So I was out every morning…watering…and then in the evening when the heat swelled higher.

I fed them too…and they grew.

I have felt that I have needed care lately…so I’ve been compelled to write again. It’s one way I’ve learned to care for myself. Circumstances in my life right now have led me here. It’s a form of healing for me. I wanted to leave this blog behind. It contains pieces of my broken heart that I don’t want to remember. 

But I always, deep down, remember. 

As much as I’ve tried…it’s hard to leave one of my children behind. How does a mother even do that? Ashton exists all over this blog.

I haven’t planted anything or worked out in our yard in who knows how long… 10 years? The ten years after Ashton died at least. We divide our life right now into two phases…before Ashton died and after Ashton died.

This planting has been healing for me too. These blackberries want to live. If I neglect them or ants come and strip one of the plants, which really did happen, they come right back and start growing again when they get the care they need.

Ashton tried to live… he worked long and hard at it.  But in the end he didn’t want to live…he couldn’t do it. It’s healing for me to take care of a living thing that WANTS to live.

I’ve been planted on this earth… by a God who waters and feeds ME… or really tries to if I let Him. My life is so much more peaceful when I let him.

I can’t live life on this earth without Him. I need His Heavenly help and guidance in every facet of my life…In my daily earthly doings, in my relationships, in navigating the hard, in the blessing I desire to be for others. 

But especially in taking care of myself. 

Planting this writing here is part of my self care. Thank you my Heavenly Father for guiding me here again. I already feel like I’m starting to grow back to the peace I need.

Written by Faye

Written by Carter. A lady from Mexico joined the Church last September. Her husband and son have not been interested so far. She is a very optimistic woman who is full of faith. When COVID hit, it affected her and her husband’s jobs. She was an accountant in Mexico, but her English proficiency is insufficient to get an accounting job in NZ…so she has been cleaning apartments and gyms. We met with her and the Relief Society (RS) president this week to help translate for her as the ward seeks inspiration on how to minister to her and her family. One of the RS counselors works for a company that cleans offices; she will try help this lady from Mexico get a job with her company.

I participated in my last Samoa Mission health council. Some faith-promoting numbers: They have had 1040 baptisms so far in 2021. The most they’ve had in one year previously has been 2000. In 2020, they only had 30-80 missionaries (because of COVID)…and they still had 1800 baptisms! The mission president and his wife attended a baptism last week where a grandma was baptized, along with ten of her descendants! As usual, the biggest concern is helping all the new members stay actively involved with the Church long-term.

Candace recommended the book Tiny Habits, which I just finished listening to…and plan to listen to again. It’s excellent; I highly recommend it!

I recently sent my first two “letters to the editor” of American Family Physician. One was on using appropriate wording when writing about suicide (e.g., “died by/of/from suicide,” rather than “committed suicide”). Another was about mifepristone, a medication used for abortions. I felt guided in writing letters that I hope were clear, but not confrontational. Let me know if you’re interested in reading either of them and I’ll send them to you.

Some of the ward members invited us to breakfast (they call it “brekky”; they like to shorten a lot of words) in a restaurant at the bottom of Auckland’s Sky Tower. We felt very loved. I sat next to our recently-released bishop. He is from Tonga. He loves to laugh! He told me how he met his (future) wife and how her father did not approve of their getting married…so they both fasted every Tuesday until her father finally relented….after three years! They have been married over 20 years now. The son-in-law likes to tease his in-laws about how they wouldn’t let him marry their daughter. He also shared how prayer has blessed his life on many occasions. His oldest son shared in testimony meeting today how he couldn’t get the car to start last week. He called his dad, who helped him troubleshoot over the phone, then suggested he pray and ask for help. When the son went out to try again, the car started “straight-away” (as they say it here)!

When I spoke in church last week, I mentioned Ashton’s suicide. Our new bishop made a few comments when I was done and he mentioned that his own son had died from suicide, also. I talked to him today and expressed my condolences, which he returned. His son was 17 when he died, which was 9 years ago. I’m so grateful for God’s perfect plan for all His children…including those who die of suicide. President Monson frequently said, “Whom the Lord calls, the Lord qualifies.” I am grateful for the Lord’s “qualifying” hand as I have been “called” to lose a child to suicide.

Shortly after Ashton’s death, I received a very encouraging email from a young man who was in our ward when I was bishop; he must have been about 28 when he sent the email. Seven years later, I still reflect on the strength and comfort I still receive from that thoughtful email. An excerpt from the email is this, “We have a Plan of Happiness and Salvation and while I do not understand many things, there is One who understands all. [With God’s help,] I realized that I didn’t need to understand the things that were bothering me [about Ashton’s suicide], I just needed to understand a few Gospel truths.” I thought of his words when I read this from one of the June 2021 Liahona articles, which tells about the author’s father’s untimely death. Her mother gathered her children around the table their father had made just a few years before and said this: “Now is the time to put into practice everything that we believe.” Isn’t that profound?! To say we believe is one thing…but to put into practice our beliefs in the midst of hardships is where the real “rubber meets the road,” isn’t it?

Another Liahona article that resonated with me was entitled “Fixing Everyone Isn’t Your Job.” As a physician, when have been difficult situations — and when it felt right — I would sometimes say, “My first two initials are ‘J’ (for ‘John’) and ‘C’ (for ‘Carter’). There is Someone else (Jesus Christ) with the same initials Whose job it will be to fix that situation. I will do my best to support you and your family, but I am not Him.”

When we went to bed last night, I said to Faye, “I miss Ashton.” I don’t say that as often as I feel it…but I felt like saying it last night. Then I felt I should say something I hadn’t planned on saying: “But it’s my turn to live.” I will wait patiently upon the Lord — and with His help — until I can see Ashton again. What a delight when I read the next general conference talk in sequence for me this morning: “This Is Our Time!” Yes, it is…and, with the Lord’s help, I plan to make the most of it!

Thanks for your  listening ears and your loving hearts!

Written by Carter. We were able to get our first “COVID jab” (as they call it here) on Monday; we will get our second one three days before coming home. We feel blessed to be able to get that before returning home!

I participated in my last Vanuatu Mission health council. There are only 28 missionaries there now and most of them are from Vanuatu itself. This is a challenging time, but I am confident that the Lord will “consecrate [their] afflictions for [their] gain.”

Yesterday, we drove with five other senior missionaries to visit a new exhibit at the Matthew Cowley Pacific Church History Centre about the labor missionaries who built the Church College of New Zealand and the Hamilton Temple. It was awe-inspiring to see all the faith, love, devotion, consecration, and miracles that went into those projects! A common saying of these labor missionaries was, “Difficult things we do immediately; impossible things we’ll have done by tomorrow; miracles may take a little longer.” The exhibit shared some of those miracles.

After visiting this exhibit, we then visited Blue Spring, which is appropriately named. The water from the spring takes 50-60 years to filter down from a nearby plateau. the resulting water is so pure and clean that it produces water that is a beautiful blue color, while being virtually clear.

We spoke in sacrament meeting today. My assigned topic was “How do my choices show that God prevails in my life?” I felt like I should use Ashton’s suicide as an example in my own life. Here is a paragraph from my talk: There are some situations that are black and white. For us, this was one of them: We could either choose to let God prevail…and walk with His help, His comfort, His peace, His hope, His joy, and His Plan…or we could choose another path, any other path, whatever other path…and walk that path alone. We choose to walk God’s path…with His help. When Jesus asked his disciples if they would also leave Him (as some of His other followers had), Peter responded, “Lord, to whom should we go?”

OK, are you ready for some fun?! I am throwing down the gauntlet! Here’s the background: as I was growing up, the Mayberry family loved to compete with one another. We would have foot races, arm wrestling, etc. When I was in high school, Grandma Amy even instigated a “biggest smile” contest! I remember that one because I won! Yes, I have a big mouth! Also when I was in high school, my dad (at least 50 — which sure seemed “old” at that time!) and Uncle Roland had a foot race! Does anyone have the film of that race? Anyway, the last time I participated in a footrace was seven years ago, at a family reunion with my siblings and their descendants. About three strides into my race, I partially tore my left hamstring muscle, so couldn’t finish the race. Well…it has continued to be painful when I’ve tried to run…until about a year ago. I’ve been seeing a sports medicine doctor because I injured my right hamstring tendon in a service project over 15 months ago! He has been very helpful and it is improving. At our last visit, he asked what goals I had. I told him I wanted to hike Rincon Peak with my two of my brothers. I didn’t say this, but I didn’t want to be “the one” they were waiting for! He prescribed some exercises to help me prepare. A few weeks after that appointment, I thought, “I want to be able to participate in a footrace with my brothers again!” I made another appointment and he gave me more exercises to do. So…here’s the plan: I will prepare to hike Rincon Peak with two of my brothers on October 21 (ask me if you want to know why I picked that date). Anyone else interested is also welcome, but prepare so you’re not  “the one” we’re waiting for, either!🙂 Because preparing to hike is different training that preparing for a footrace, I will wait until after the hike to start training for the footrace, which will be mid-January 2022. Why then? a) Because I need three months to prepare for a footrace nowadays; I don’t want to tear my hamstring again! b) Because I mainly want to beat my “little” brother, Andy. Andy loves chocolate, which is abundant before Christmas. I’m hoping he gets (and eats) a lot of Christmas chocolate, so is nice and fat when we race in January🙂! Since I’m the one throwing the gauntlet, I get to set the terms, right? 50 yards (I’ll be 59; that’s all I can do now), at the St. David track, mid-January 2022. We can have other groups, but you must be at least 54 (Andy’s  age) to be in my group. My cousins are invited, too! I’m even willing to share the training regimen with you so you don’t tear your hamstring like I did!

Written by Carter. I attended a medical appointment last Monday with a missionary with a complex medical history. To be cautious, the doctor recommended a procedure (for privacy reasons, I can’t go into detail), with the plan to call the missionary in a week (tomorrow) for his decision about whether or not to proceed. After the appointment, I participated in a three-way Facebook Messenger video call with the missionary and the mother, who lives on one of the other south Pacific islands. I explained the options to her, with the pros/cons of each. Last night, the missionary called me: after giving it a lot of thought and prayer…and discussing it with the parents…the decision was made to not go forward with the procedure. I feel good about the entire process. It was a blessing to be a part of that.

We watched a missionary devotional where Brother and Sister Steven J. Lund spoke. One of the topics was how to answer a gospel-related question when we don’t know the answer. One possible response: “I don’t know the answer to that question — but I know there is one.” What a faith-filled response!

Faye and I traveled to Wellington this week with another senior missionary couple. We had a wonderful time in another part of this beautiful country! On the flight back, I sat next to a 21-year-old young man who was born and raised in Wellington, but whose ancestors came from Samoa. He likes to play rugby…and is built appropriately for that rough game: very solid! He has some friends and family members who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We talked a little about the Book of Mormon, and he accepted a copy I had in my backpack. I earmarked the page where the account starts of the resurrected Christ’s visit to ancient America. He seems like a very good young man. I wish him the best!

I’ve been hiking once a week to train for a hike in November with two of my brothers. It’s approaching winter in New Zealand…but when it was warmer, there was a bay where I saw a man skinny-dipping. One nice thing about cooler weather is that I didn’t have to worry about that when I hiked yesterday! However, I still found my mind drifting to those images while I was hiking. I decided to give those thoughts to Jesus so they didn’t stay in my mind. I decided to rename the bay “Jesus’ Bay.” I like that thought a lot better!

I found myself longing for Ashton a couple times this week. As I did, I had this thought: “So this is what love feels like.” I believe in a God Who knows perfectly how I feel…because He has felt all of my feelings Himself. I tried to imagine what it must be like to feel God’s grief…and joy…for His children. I felt like my efforts were so feeble…but I benefited from the attempt. God has an eternal perspective; how would that affect each emotion He has? Striving to see things as much from His perspective as I can will help me to feel gratitude for both the challenges and triumphs of this mortal life.

I don’t remember what led to this thought, but here it is: I don’t know what it feels like to be a mother. I don’t know what it felt like for Heavenly Father to watch His Only Begotten and Sinless Son suffer. But I do know what it feels like to watch my wife suffer through childbirth. I felt so helpless. Mostly, I was just there with her. I also know what it feels like to be the father of my own son, who suffered with mental illness. As a father, one of my roles is to protect. I could not protect Ashton from his mental illness. As a doctor, I strive to help people improve from their illnesses. I could not help Ashton’s illness improve. This is my comfort: God knows Ashton. He will judge Ashton. Ashton is no longer a “prisoner” of his mortal brain, which was ill. Perhaps those are some of the purposes of our mortal sufferings: a) to develop compassion for others and b) to help us realize that any suffering is limited in time: the way you or I feel right now is not that way we will feel forever.

I’ve also been thinking about a phenomenon I observed while growing up on a farm: when calves would get big enough, we would separate them from their mothers. For a day or two, the calves and their mama cows would moo to each other. One mama cow would moo for her calf for more days than the rest of the cows…it seems like it was for a week or two. I’ve thought of that sometimes when I miss Ashton…and I’m definitely not a cow! I haven’t stopped missing Ashton! If I were a cow, I’d still be mooing…and it’s been over seven years since he died!

Our replacements will serve from the US, but won’t be ready to start taking calls until June 18. Therefore, we decided to extend our mission by one week. We will come home June 17. We will speak in our church congregation at 9 am on June 27. All are invited, if interested.

Written by Carter. Several months ago, I was working with a doctor in the public health sector here in New Zealand about a sister missionary from one of the south Pacific islands who was being followed for possible TB (her workup was negative). Via email, he asked to meet with me about my work; we finally were able to arrange that Monday. He is in his 70s and will retire the end of June. Besides talking about my medical responsibilities, we also discussed the Restoration, living prophets and apostles…and he accepted a copy of the Book of Mormon! He asked me to sign it and said he would read it. What a blessing to be involved in the direct “sharing the gospel” of missionary work, too! This work is true!

I participated in the Fiji Mission health council. The mission president shared this:

• Because Fiji was the first Pacific country to immunize against COVID-19, they were able to act as a intermediate stop for missionaries from the other Pacific islands who have completed their missions, but have been unable to get home because their home borders are closed. They have to spend several days in quarantine before going to their home countries. Currently, there are 68 of these missionaries. Five of the elders have served for over 36 months!
• Fiji relies heavily on tourism for its economy. The airline and hospitality industries have taken a beating since COVID-19 hit. They were only too happy to help with this plan. However, now there is an outbreak of community-spread cases in Fiji, so the whole country is locked down until that is controlled.
• Once the missionaries come out of quarantine, they either serve as proselyting missionaries in Fiji…or some of them are working on the Pathways program to help them prepare for college. I spoke with one of these missionaries last week. She is from Tonga, but had been serving in Lima, Peru! I understood her Spanish better than I did her English!
• Another of the sisters in Fiji is from Samoa and had been serving in another Pacific island country. Her mission president and wife had returned to the US for health reasons, but were doing their best to run the mission from the US…with the help of their local counselors in the mission presidency. This sister missionary also helped run the office. As she was preparing to return to Samoa, she learned that her mother was very sick…and then that she passed away. The Fiji mission president extolled her faith, courage, and optimism.

The Samoa Mission president’s wife mentioned that some of their missionaries are serving as missionaries on their home island. That would be a mixed blessing! One of the missionaries who bore his testimony today is serving in his home neighborhood and ward. He protested to his mission president, “I’ve been trying to avoid my family!” The president said, “There are some people you need to bless in that area,” and the missionary is doing his best to “Let God prevail” by reaching out to as many as he can.

The Tonga Mission has over 300 missionaries (about double what there usually is)…all of them Tongan, as is the mission president. He seems to be a very loving and effective leader. They have shortened the length of missions in Tonga…I think it’s 18 or 21 months for men, 15 months for women…so the numbers are more manageable.
Australia and New Zealand have opened a “travel bubble,” so missionaries who were originally assigned to the other country, were serving in their home country…and still have at least 6 months to serve…traveled to their assigned mission in the other country. There has been a lot of re-arranging of missionaries lately!

Long story…but we were invited to be interviewed by Michel Liben, who hosts “Bereaved But Still Me” podcast. We felt like it went well. The episode should come out around September-October.

I’ve been studying “Hope in Christ” for the past 5 months; it has been a wonderful experience. Last week, I felt like I should change the topic slightly to “Waiting upon the Lord.” I love the quote from Elder Gong’s talk, “Waiting faithfully upon the Lord for His blessings is a holy position.” Love it! Waiting does not come easily for me. Inigo Montoya spoke my sentiments well when he said, “I hate waiting!” in Princess Bride. This is a chance for me to learn and grow! And growth is often painful!

When I told the other male senior missionaries I was having a tough time around Ashton’s birthday and invited them to go for a hike with me…one of them said, “Thanks for letting us know how we can help.” I appreciated his saying that. A couple of them reached out and asked how I was doing. I can only speak for myself, but kind words from other men — or just going for a hike or walk together — are so healing for me!

Love ya! Carter

Written by Carter. Kia ora [a Maori greeting], and Happy Mother’s Day to all the women in my life! I appreciate your influence for good in my life and in so many others around you!

We had stake conference last Sunday. One of the counselors in the stake presidency told about his third-great-grandfather joining the Church in Samoa in 1889, with this story: the ancestor was 11-years-old and very ill, near death. His father was a minister in another faith. He and others in the community had prayed for the ill boy, but with no improvement. Missionaries for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints had recently arrived on the island, but were not well-received in the community. Nevertheless, the boy’s father told God that, if the missionaries blessed his son and he lived, he would allow the boy to be baptized into the Church…and that is exactly what happened. The baptism was done in secret — and the father was never baptized — but gave permission for the son to attend meetings in another village — without any of his own villagers knowing about it. The boy even had to swim part of the way so his purpose for travel would not be discovered if he were seen on the trail. The son remained faithful throughout his life and has a numerous, faithful posterity. What an inspiring story!

During stake conference, our bishop was made one of the counselors in the stake presidency…so we sustained a new bishop today. As he shared his testimony, he told of the challenges he has had over the past several years: his business failed two years ago; he lost his subsequent two jobs since then, so he is currently unemployed; “and I can’t get my kids to attend church meetings.” President Nelson’s invitation to “Let God Prevail” came to mind when he was called as bishop (after recovering from the shock)…so he accepted the calling last Saturday evening. Since then, he has received two job offers! Coincidence?! I think not! I look forward to seeing how the Lord blesses him and his family as he serves Him.

Because of the pandemic, almost all the missionaries serving in New Zealand are also from New Zealand. It’s been inspiring to see how they have “stepped up” to the increased responsibilities the Lord has given them. One of the missionaries in our ward will be transferred to another area this week. His companion has only been in the mission for a couple of months. He is very quiet and seems shy…but now he’s going to train a new missionary! I like to imagine how the Lord will bless this young man’s life because of this challenge. How will this experience help him as a husband, father, and in future Church assignments? I don’t know, but am confident it will.

We celebrated Faye’s birthday this week by eating at a Thai restaurant.

We had a farewell for the couple who lived across the hall from us (the Poll’s). Great folks; I wish them well.
Yesterday, we went to a farmer’s market with several other senior missionaries, then went to Goat Island, which has a “discovery center,” where we learned about the ocean from various exhibits, including some where you can touch various sea creatures! The tour guide has a PhD in marine biology. He started out two years ago filling in for a month…and liked it so much that he has stayed on. He did a great job yesterday!

As we went on a short, beautiful hike yesterday, I told Faye, “I’m homesick for New Zealand already…and I haven’t even left yet!” I very much look forward to seeing our family and friends when we return home (June 10)…but will sure miss this place! Well…we will just have to come back someday!

Written by Carter. We watched a missionary devotional this week where Elder Brent Nielsen mentioned some of the miracles that have happened in missionary work since the pandemic began. He compared it to when Moses parted the Red Sea, which only could have happened with God’s clear and direct intervention. Here are a few examples:

• When Russell M. Nelson was still a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (in 2014), the Church started piloting some missions using smartphones. In January 2020, the Church announced that all missions would be using smartphones…and then the pandemic hit in March 2020…and that’s how the missionaries did much of their proselyting during the pandemic. That’s how the “Red Sea” of missionary work was parted by God’s clear and direct intervention.
• When all the countries of the world announced that their borders were closed to incoming and outgoing flights (March 11, 2020), there were 31,000 missionaries serving outside their home country. “The Red Sea parted” and almost all of those missionaries were able to return to their home country. (There are still some missionaries whose countries have not allowed incoming passengers. One of those is Kiribati, a south Pacific island nation; some missionaries from Kiribati have served for more than 36 months…and counting!)
• Despite the pandemic, the missionaries still baptized 125,000 people during 2020. Elder Nielsen said, “I don’t know how you (the missionaries) could have done that…other than the Lord helping you!”
• If I wrote it down correctly, in a pre-pandemic month in 2020, missionaries found 2,000 people to teach using online contacting. During the same month in 2021, they found 56,000 people!

This missionary miracle isn’t from the devotional, but rather from the Vanuatu (a south Pacific island nation) Mission president: during a 12-month period, there were 189 baptisms on the island of Tanna (one of the islands in the country of Vanuatu). Because of the pandemic, all the missionaries were removed from that island, so missionary work was continued by the members and returned missionaries. Missionaries made two trips to the island to make sure people understood what they were being taught before they were baptized and confirmed members of the Church. On one trip, 55 were baptized and on another 74…for a total of 147. That’s less than the 189 with missionaries, but still amazing how well the members stepped up and shared the gospel. It’s a good reminder that the missionaries are here to help the members share the gospel…and not the other way around.

A couple weeks ago, the senior missionary couple who served in the visitors’ center for the Hamilton Temple shared some history about the faith, sacrifice and consecration that contributed to that temple being build in the 1950’s. The phrase that was used was “Building a people for the temple.” Isn’t that profound?! We need to build our lives on Jesus Christ (and help others do the same) so we can enjoy the blessings God has for us in His Holy House — the temple.

Well…this week was Ashton’s 29th birthday. Honestly, it was kinda rough. I appreciate your love and prayers. I appreciate several of you sharing humorous stories and memories of Ashton. I went for a 9-mile hike on the morning of his birthday. I invited two other senior missionary men to go with me. I appreciated their love and support. One of them commented that he appreciated knowing when times were hard for me and what he could do to help. I know I’ve felt that way about others, too…just so helpless in knowing what to do to help ease some of their pain. I guess one of the reasons I’m so forthcoming in how I’m feeling is because I’ve seen what can happen when one’s feelings are kept inside. Ashton couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t know how to express his feelings. My last missionary companion I think faced the same challenges. Both of their mortal lives ended in suicide. (To be clear, I do not condemn either one of them, though; I think I understand very little of everything that contributed to their suicides.) So…if I go overboard in sharing how I’m feeling, that’s one reason: I’d rather err on the side of sharing and getting my thoughts out in the open, rather than keeping them inside, where they seem to grow and multiply.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for your love, support, patience and understanding.