Ashton ~ age 4 ~ Whiteriver, Arizona ~ So proud of the presents he lined up!

I’m beginning to understand. I think I understand what it means now. I’ve heard that the holiday season is hard for some people. Well, I think we can be included in those “some people.” As hard as we have tried to gear up for this time, we still have to feel the grief that comes. I understand now. The loss is felt at a heightened level. The Joy and gladness of the season is harder to feel. I have found that I really need to work at it to feel those things. Sometimes it’s just plain hard to feel at times.

You know one thing that has saved me?  The beautiful, nourishing music of Christmas.

The “Up On the Housetop” and “Jingle Bells” are nice and merry, but it’s the real, Christ – centered music of Christmas that has helped me get through each long morning when I’m home, and dreary evening when bedtime can’t come soon enough. My mood is brightened a little when I hear why Christ came and the story of his coming. Right now Josh Groban’s “Ave Maria” and “O Holy Night” are some of my favorites. Different arrangements of “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” are heard in our home. That one is so beautiful! Hearing the Christmas story never gets old this year. The concerts I’ve attended have been a blessing. There’s a lot of Joy in the nourishing music of Christmas. One song that stays in my head right now ends with, “….Jesus is come that we might have Joy.”

The get togethers with family have been a blessing also. They do remind me that Ashton is not with us, but they also remind me that there are many who love me and are aware of how I’m feeling. Those family times also make me aware of those who need MY love and MY acknowledgement of their sadness and loss. I’m not the only one who feels the loss. Somehow… being with those who feel that same loss and share those same tears is a great blessing. Family is a great blessing.

I am grateful for this heightened awareness of my Savior. I’m grateful for this beautiful, nourishing Christmas music. Ashton loved to sing it. I can still hear his deep bass voice and see him singing in the choirs at college. I’ve heard there are choirs in heaven. I hope Ashton gets to sing in them. I’m sure he needs to be nourished now too, just as we do…missing each other this Christmas season.

Written by Faye

Ashton ~ Age 10

I found myself teary the other day as I was driving, thinking of the kindness that has been show to us since our Ashton died.  There are so many good, kind people around us. I realized that these tears were not tears of grief. They were different. They felt different. I starting thinking of tears and the many kinds of tears that come to me.

The tears of that day were of feeling loved and remembered. Grateful for kindness. Those doing the loving and remembering don’t have to, they are choosing to. My heart overflowed and then… so did my eyes. It’s interesting how the eyes overflow… how God made the eyes to be the well where tears are drawn.

“The kindness of others pours healing balm into our own wounds.”
D. Todd Christofferson

I believe that. I have felt that. I need that healing balm right now. I can’t do all the healing on my own.

There are other tears… tears that come when I feel the help and comfort from God. These are also tears of gratitude. Sometimes they are overwhelming. They come from deep within… where I know God’s light is. It comes up and out sometimes when I let it. When I let my soul feel His love for me. Those tears come when I feel His Holy Spirit tell me that I am not alone… that I have help… that I will never be alone.

And… of course…. there are the tears of grief that come on days and times when I feel Ashton’s physical absence. When I realize he will never be with us again in this life. Those tears  come from deep within my heart. The heart that loved him so… the heart that still loves him… the heart that will never stop loving him. It’s the heart that hurts when the tears from intense grief come. Those are the tears that have to come sometimes, even when I’m not ready for them. They come because there is love in this world. That’s what grief really is…it’s our whole being…body and spirit… remembering that we loved and still love. These tears don’t come as often as they used to. Time has been a friend to that.

I cannot write about tears without acknowledging the tears of my husband. He doesn’t cry as often as I do, but when he does… missing his son… it’s heart wrenching. I CAN say, it is a blessing for a marriage to share tears together.

It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Maybe when the soul overflows with emotion, happy or sad, the windows have to open up and let that emotion flood out.

Tears…they come with great happiness and sadness.

God gave them to us for a wise purpose, I’m sure.  Maybe he gives then to us so we can rely on Him more often. Maybe he gives them to us so we will remember that we need Him. I DO need Him. All my tears remind me that I need Him more than ever.

Written by Faye

On December 1st we received a beautiful gift at our door, and we have been receiving, anonymously, a Joy-filled gift at our door each day since. Someone is having great fun! Each day we find something at the door, our hearts melt and a little giggle of glee comes up from inside me at the new gift waiting there for us.

Whoever you are… just know that your efforts are a great blessing to us. Most of the time our hearts skip a beat with the Joy your offering brings, but sometimes… tears come knowing that you are remembering us. Being remembered is heart-melting.

While listening to some Christmas music on Sunday morning an old English carol came on, the Sussex Carol. I’ve never noticed these words before:

“Then why should men on earth be so sad, when our Redeemer made us glad.”

I’m reminded of a card I’ve seen that says:

“He who spreads sunshine cannot keep it from himself.”

Thank you for the Joy and Sunshine…the glad work of our Redeemer… you are sharing with us. We love you!

Written by Faye

Carter’s thoughts: It was especially touching for me on Monday, December 1, to receive a little glass angel with a joy message written on it. Thanksgiving was harder for me than I anticipated — missing Ashton. I probably needed to cry, but couldn’t. When I saw that angel and realized that someone remembered us, the tear floodgates were opened. We cried and hugged each other — and I was amazed at how much better I felt. Thank you — whoever you are — for remembering us! God bless you!

I knew that I would be writing about this sometime soon. I knew it would be coming out of me. As I have been looking for, writing about, and taking pictures of Joy, I’ve had some thoughts in the back of my head that I knew would need to surface. It is now time to let them. It feels right that I should now write about the true Joy, the lasting Joy that can only come through the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ.  It’s the Joy that Ashton was teaching the people in Fiji about. It’s not a trivial thing… and I want to acknowledge that… really… it is the most important of all the Joys that can be found.

Here is an excerpt from an article I read this morning:

“I know that the only lasting Joy and happiness we will ever find during our mortal experience will come by following Jesus Christ, obeying His law, and keeping His commandments.”  L. Tom Perry – December 2014 Ensign

This past Thanksgiving was harder than I expected. I thought I was gearing up for it, but it started as I was preparing food that morning and really hit me as I was driving to my parents house with my contribution of pumpkin and turkey for our meal. I knew Ashton would not be here with us. I knew that. I was ready for that, I thought. But… the grieving has to come sometimes. There are times when… no matter how much I prepare…it comes full force. I thought to my self today… I want to be done with this, I want to get this over with…I’m tired of this. It’s HARD! It’s really HARD!!! I’m tired of being broken, feeling broken. I’m not used to this. Why is this taking so long?  (I’m so impatient.)

I read a lot of things about grieving. I know that everyone grieves differently and on their own timetable. I know that. I also know that God has his own timetable for me. I know there are certain things I need to learn while on this earth.

I also read this, this morning:

“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”       Richard G. Scott

I am willing to wait. I am willing to let this grief journey flow through me at it’s own pace, just for me. I am willing to endure this….for I know my Heavenly Father has wonderful plans for me. I know He wants me to experience that lasting Joy only His Son can offer me. I’m grateful to feel that Joy at times. It brings me Hope for better days to come.

I will continue to look for and take pictures of Joy, the word. It is fun and distracting for me at this time in my life. I need that distraction. But I am looking forward to the time when that lasting Joy will be felt more. Meanwhile… I will work on my impatience and do my best as I continue this earth life with people I love and people who love me. That love we share is evidence of God’s love for me and the lasting Joy he wants for me.

Written by Faye

Does it get any better than this!?  Right now nothing can compare to this little bundle!

This has to be the ultimate bundle of JOY!!

She came today, December 4, 2014 at 4:03am. A Christmas present to the whole family! Rubi’s parents were on Skype from Honduras. Candace and I made it there for the birth. Carter got to go visit her this evening.

Her name?  Now that’s a special one that’s hard for me to let anyone know about, but I will!  Rubi seems to like my name! My old fashioned name. Her name is:

Jordana Faye Mayberry

They will call her Faye. We call her baby Faye.  Makes my heart melt every time I think about it!

Thanks Jordan and Rubi for this sweet granddaughter, this bundle of Joy! Right when I needed her… she came. Joy from heaven!

Maybe Ashton got to be her escort down here… It’s fun to think about anyway.

Written by Faye

Ashton ~ January 2014 ~ Canning applesauce

“Remember him with me. Invite him to the table this year too. I need to know that you remember he lived. Share his stories, his memory, his life, his love. And if you’re open to blessing my aching heart even more, I invite you to SAY his name out loud with me.  Often. And without hesitation. To hear his name is to hear the most beautiful sound there is. May it always be on the tip of your tongue like it is on mine. There is no greater gift.”  by Angela Miller ~ stillstandingmag.com  ~ Thanksgiving 2013

I have to tell you…. this project is one or the best decisions I have made. I can’t begin to write how it has changed my whole outlook. It has diminished my grief and changed how I view life right now.  I am actually looking forward to this Christmas season. I am grateful… so grateful for that.

I want to tell you some of my findings so far. Here goes!!

You will see as my reports unfold that I have taken a lot of pictures of the word JOY. That has been so fun! People probably wonder what the heck I’m doing! Just for the record….Target has more JOY than Walmart and Costco has none whatsoever!!!  :o)

1. I went on a trip at the beginning of November to Phoenix with my 2 daughters and my mother to a conference called Time Out for Women. It is hard to get together with children and schedules, but we did it and it was a JOY to be with them for 2 whole days. While at the conference I heard truth that sunk deep into my heart telling me that I am important to my Heavenly Father and I felt very strongly that I need to keep writing. On the way home, I got to hear my mother and daughter, Candace, conversing in the front seat, solving the world’s family history problems and Candace asking questions, learning about my mother’s childhood. I don’t believe they have ever had a conversation like that before. It was pure JOY to watch and hear them bonding.

2. We have a Family Mission Statement that we worked quite diligently on one year when the kids were younger and all at home. We wrote down what was important to us and what we wanted to accomplish as a family while on this earth together. We used to read it together almost every week at our family council meeting. We don’t do that as much any more now that that kids have left home but Carter got it out and we read it, just he and I. It brought JOYFUL tears to read through it again. We did a good thing, writing that together.

3. I am so grateful for my church family. They bring me so much JOY. I came home one Sunday from church with a special love in my heart for all of them. There’s something about worshiping with a group of people that bonds us together.

4. Not sure how to put this one…. guess I’ll just say it outright…..reconciliation with someone where we have had mutual hard feelings  has been so liberating and JOYFUL for me. I can’t tell you how that has lifted me and helped me see the love God has for all people. We are all loved children of our Heavenly Father. He loves everyone just the same as He loves me.

5. I usually sing at a Community Christmas Celebration held in our area, and we start practicing in the middle of November. It’s not my turn to sing this year; it’s my turn to listen. So…I went to one of the practices to sit and listen with my mother who handles the music and I really listened. I was able to feel why singing brings me so much JOY and really heard the beautiful Christmas music. I heard in my heart the reason we sing. I think it’s the music of Christmas that is my favorite thing about Christmas. If I would have been up there singing like I usually am, I don’t think I could have felt that. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending Your Son, so we can sing about Him and his great JOY-filled gift during Christmas.

6. Have you ever looked at the pictures on Bing, the web browser?  Every day is a different picture and every picture is amazing and beautiful!! Now that we write and have this blog, I am on the computer more than I used to be and Bing makes it a nicer place to be. I can truly say… it brings me JOY!  Go look… www.bing.com

Are you searching for JOY along with me? What have you found? I would love to hear about it! You can leave comments on the blog or Facebook page. Send me pictures! Thanks a bunch to those who have sent me your JOY! I love it!

Written by Faye

Ashton ~ age 10

I am learning…. wow…. am I ever learning! I seem to have new eyes and new ears. Not to see the same way I’ve been seeing or hear the same way I’ve been hearing like all human bodies see and hear.  It’s different. I’m learning to see and hear with my heart. I see and hear more in an eternal perspective. It’s hard for me to describe but I will try…

What started these thoughts is a song. Music speaks to me sometimes in ways that nothing else can. I heard this song last month but it did not resonate like it did last week when I heard it again. Maybe my heart was ready this time.

It’s called, “If I Listen With My Heart” by Sally DeFord. It’s written from a child’s perspective.

This song put words to what has been happening with me since Ashton died. I have needed to feel near to my heavenly home. I have really needed that. I believe my heart still knows and remembers what it feels like in my heavenly home. It is a HUGE comfort for me to realize that. I don’t know how it works, but I feel that I still have a part of that heavenly home in my heart.

The chorus of this song also makes me think of listening for truth. Really, that’s how we have to listen for truth and for the Holy Spirit…with our heart, not our head or ears. That’s how we really ‘hear’!

The hope I feel that I will see Ashton again and that he is safe and happy comes from God through my heart.  My heart is not just an organ that is vital to my earthly existence. It is the part of me that helps me feel when something is right and good and helps me know when I hear truth. It helps me know that I can make it through this life if I let God guide me… His way.

I just have to listen with my heart to hear Him.

I had an epiphany in Target today. All the Christmas stuff was out. I’m not ready for that. Ashton won’t be here. How can we ever have Thanksgiving & Christmas without Ashton here?  I went and looked anyway. I saw a mug with the word Joy on it. There were ornaments with Joy on them. Wrapping paper, gift bags, decorations….  the word Joy was everywhere. That’s when it hit me!

 As usual, I couldn’t wait to get back home and write about it. I was on fire!

This holiday season, I want to look for Joy… I want to be bombarded with it….I want to bathe in it. I want to find it every where I go. I am going to deliberately look for it in whatever I do and whatever I see. I will report on it. I’ll write it down. I’ll take pictures of it!

Would you like to help me? You are welcome to help me look. Send me all the Joy you can find too if you’d like!  Bombard me with Joy!  You can comment on the blog or Facebook, message me, email me or send it snail mail. Message me… Faye Richardson Mayberry… for those addresses.

“Man is that he might have Joy.” That’s what my Heavenly Father wants for me and, by golly!!!!!   (that’s my new word, I’m stompin’ my foot),  I’m going to find it… I’m going to have it!

I Am!

PS – It’s the WORD Joy that started all this, but I realize that Joy means different things to different people. I’m anxious to see what your Joy looks  like!   Stay tuned for my Joy reports!!!

Written by Faye  ~  November 5th, 2014