Faye:

Our letter is late because we went on a little trip to the Bay of Islands with Brent & Ella Romney. It’s a 3 hour drive from where we live. We left at about noon after our Sunday meetings and brought our lunch with us to eat in the car. There was a waterfall on the way there not too far off the highway and we stopped to see it. It was drizzly and misty there. So Beautiful! The drive was along rolling green hills passing farms with lots of cows and sheep. We arrived in time to cook dinner at the little place we rented in Paihia. On Monday we went to a park where the treaty was signed between New Zealand & England, so they would work together instead of fight each other. We learned a lot about the Maori culture, and saw our first Maori performance. There were only 5 of them but could they ever SING! That was the highlight of the whole trip for me. Tattooing is very popular in the Maori culture, even the woman get tattoos. We also learned a lot about New Zealand. We ate at a little Mexican restaurant for lunch and it was GOOD! We were all surprised. The Romney’s are from El Paso and now live in Dallas, so they are missing Mexican food too. I found out from the restaurant owner where to get good chili powder so I can make some enchiladas. I think I’ve mentioned before that the chili powder here is pure cayenne. Not the chili powder we use. 

We took a ferry across the bay to visit the town of Russell. It’s the very first city in New Zealand. I experienced a tender mercy from the Lord while we were there. When moving my purse from one shoulder to the the other my phone dropped out. I picked it up and kept walking. We crossed the street to look at another shop and while we were in there, someone came in and yelled loudly, “Did anyone lose their wallet?” He was holding my black wallet! It must have fallen out when my phone fell out and I didn’t realize it. Someone had picked it up and put it on a teller machine close to where I dropped it. Nothing had been taken.  I had brought some extra cash on this trip, but everything was in there and I was so grateful. My LIFE is in that wallet! I was so grateful and wanted to hug that young man who brought it to me. The Lord is so good to me.

We made it home in time to attend the virtual Family Home Evening with the senior missionaries at 7:00. It turned out to be a trivia game about New Zealand. I knew the answers to 3 more questions than I would have known because of our trip. At the end they had us tell 2 things we loved about New Zealand. Mine were that I love the beautiful ocean around it and I LOVE that they speak ENGLISH! It’s my favorite language. 

The fire alarm went off at 3:00 am last night. No fire. Just alarms being set off somehow. That is the 4th time in the 5 months we have been here. It was raining, so many of us huddled inside on the ground floor. I had time to check our mail and found a card that my sister had mailed April 2nd! I have no idea why it took so long to here. Everything else gets here in about 10 days. It was a nice surprise to get at that hour of the morning!

I see the hand of the Lord all around me. He has heard our prayers and accepted of our fasting in this pandemic. 

I see Him now in the people and beauties of New Zealand, and I’m grateful to mingle with the kind, chatty people and experience the breathtaking beauty here again. We are receiving relief from the pandemic. 

I hear Him now in the increased noisy traffic outside our apartment. Before the pandemic, I let those loud, rumbly motorcycles get under my skin. Now when I hear them I think of how our life is becoming more normalized.

I see Him in the busyness of the stores, restaurants and shops that are opened again. He is strengthening the economy.

We still pray for those things President Nelson asked us to pray for, along with the health care workers to be protected.

I also see Him in the lives of our families who we miss and are away from right now. We have prayed for them to be safe and protected during this pandemic and they have been. He has answered our prayers.

I feel Him in the help I receive from heaven when the hard things from Ashton’s death come at times. I feel His help. I feel His love….. and I am so very grateful.

Carter:

We renewed our temple recommends with Pres. Walker. He and his wife go home July 1. There may need to be a temporary president over the mission until the new president can get here — with all the coronavirus delays.

I attended a video call to discuss a patient who might have cancer – and whether they should go to another country to have that treated. I feel like the patient’s situation was considered with an abundance of compassion.

We had a couple of more discussions with my Venezuelan “son“ and his family, who are in Lima. The plan is still for them to be baptized on May 30, but that depends on whether current coronavirus restrictions there will be relaxed by then. Prayers!

I attended a video call with other suicide loss survivors — I knew some of them from the group we attended in Tucson! It was good to see them again! I am optimistic that this group will be very helpful for us – and that we will be able to help others who are grieving.

I was able to speak to two missionaries from Colombia who are serving in New Zealand. They speak pretty good English, but the mission nurse wanted to make sure that language was not an impediment to complete mutual understanding. It was great to be able to speak Spanish! One of the missionaries’ father and grandfather were from Maracaibo, Venezuela, where I served my mission as a young man. His grandfather was one of the first converts there.

There are a lot of cyclists on the roads near where we live. It’s been interesting thing to me that I have not missed cycling all that much. I’m grateful to Heavenly Father for “tempering“ that love of mine. I’ve also had the thought that if I were to get injured in a cycling crash, it could really impact my ability to serve and even to stay here.

I completed the 40-Day Joy Challenge by Tommy Newberry. I highly recommend it. It’s free! I’m going to modify a couple of inspirational affirmations from the program: “I am a forgiving, repenting and learning machine.“ As I write this, I think of my Mother, who very much wanted to “Do the right thing“ and had an insatiable desire to learn.

May I pay a tribute to my children in law — and their parents? When our oldest Richardson niece, Sarah Innes, got married, I was profoundly impressed with what an impact our children’s future spouses have on our future grandchildren. All of our children were still living at home at that time. Faye and I started praying for the parents of our children’s future spouses – that they would raise their children in love and righteousness. I am grateful to say that those prayers have been answered. Jonathan, Rubi and Gracia, I love you! Please tell your parents thank you for how they raised you!

I solemnly proclaim that God loves his children and every nation of the world. What comforting doctrine that is! I believe it with all my heart!

We had a fun family home evening with the other senior missionaries Monday night. We played a game where everyone submitted something unusual about themselves that everyone might not know – and everyone else tried to guess who belonged each unusual item. It sure is fun being together with the other senior missionaries! It has been one of the “unanticipated blessings” of serving our missions.

Because of scheduling conflicts, the discussions with my Venezuelan “son“ and his wife were rescheduled several times, so we only had one video discussion this week. It was about “The Lord’s Law of Health“ (Word of Wisdom). There was a wonderful spirit present. They are already following this commandment! What a wonderful family! What a blessing for me to have met them! I look forward to the day —whenever that is — when I can give them a great big hug!

I finished listening to a book entitled Divine Signatures, by Gerald N. Lund. In chapter 13 of that book, he tells about a woman who was at the point of taking her own life, but felt an impression to stop. (See that chapter for more details). I have asked myself why the Lord didn’t stop Ashton from taking his own life? My response: I don’t know, but I trust God. I trust his love. I trust his justice. I trust his mercy. My faith is in Him…and does not depend on outcomes.

When I am so extremely tired in the midst of grief, I sometimes wonder what the physiology is behind that fatigue? Does my serotonin (or other chemical/hormone) level drop? Am I subconsciously looking for a way to “escape“ from the grief? Is that what my body needs at the time to heal? Again, I don’t know, but wanted to share some of my musings.

When I was in high school, I was in a car accident and cracked or bruised one of my ribs. I called a couple of girls my age to tell them about the accident. Somehow another girl in our high school found out about those calls. She teased me, saying “Did you call them so you can get sympathy?“ For several months, whenever she would see me, she would continue to tease me and say just, “Sympathy, huh?!“ When I was about five years old, I was barefoot and stepped on a piece of glass. The resulting cut on my foot required several stitches. I remember enjoying the attention of others wanting to see the cut on my foot. It reminds me of the story of Tom Sawyer being punished by having to whitewash their fence. He then cunningly tricked his friends into whitewashing the fence for him. One of his friends “paid“ for his “privilege“ of whitewashing the fence by promising to show Tom his sore toe. “Sympathy, huh?!“ To some degree, yes, I think I share how I am feeling because it feels good to have others reach out in love and support. If I’m going to make a mistake, it’s probably going to be on the side of sharing more rather than less. I’m grateful for the charity of those who indulge what I have written.

I found a website called “grief.com.” It has lists of some of the best and worst things to say to someone in grief. (I refer you to that website for the complete lists.) For me, it was enough to hear the words, “I am so sorry for your loss.“ I heard that a lot, but don’t think I could ever have heard it too much. It never felt trite to me. Bernie Christiansen was an elderly man in the community who passed away several weeks ago. After Ashton died, he said to me, “I am available with a listening ear at any hour of the day or night. I mean it – including at 2 o’clock when you can’t sleep.” I saw him several months later and he said, “Do you remember what I said about calling me in the middle of the night? Again, I mean it!“ I never did call him, but it meant so much to me to know that he knew that I might have sleepless nights from the grief. I really appreciated that.

I am reminded today what a blessing good friends are! Some of my high school buddies invited us to dinner before we left from the US in December; it was great to be with them again! Faye’s mother took some soup and homemade bread to Faye’s friend when the friend’s mother died. The friend wanted to decline the offer, but Faye’s mother said, “But I NEED to bring you some soup and bread!” I tearfully thought of all those who reached out to us when Ashton died and brought “soup and bread”…or a multitude of other things. That’s what we do when we “…mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…” The women often bring something to eat. The men often perform some sort of physical labor. In our situation, this is what I saw men doing: setting up/taking down chairs for the funeral, digging/covering the grave, planting trees in honor of the deceased, going for walks/hikes/bike rides with me, inviting us over to eat antecuchos (a Peruvian delicacy) with them on the anniversary of Ashton’s death. These are only a few examples. One of my friends/mentors from my mission to Venezuela as a young man reached out to me on Facebook this week. That meant so much to me!

May I pay tribute to Max & Dona Kartchner? Max was the physician who delivered me when I was born. His signature is on my birth certificate. I considered him to be one of my mentors as a man and as a physician. After Ashton died, he and I were serving at the front desk in The Gila Valley Temple. It wasn’t very busy, so we chatted. He said something that still comforts me today: “Sometimes in medicine we do everything right. We select the appropriate antibiotic or other treatment. We perform the proper surgery. But sometimes the infection or injury or cancer is “overwhelming” and the patient still dies. Sometimes it’s the same with depression: it is treated appropriately; we and the patient do everything we can…but sometimes the depression is “overwhelming” and the patient still dies. Hearing that from him brought (and still brings) more solace to my broken heart than I can describe. As Max’s age advanced and his health deteriorated, I felt privileged that he selected me as his physician. He died at home on Christmas Eve a few years ago. His family called me and asked if I would be willing to come and “pronounce” his death. I felt humbled and honored to perform that sacred medical duty; the poignancy of my signing the death certificate of the man who signed my birth certificate was not lost on me. Dona is my mother’s first cousin. She was my Scout leader when I was 11-years-old and did a great job; I’m grateful for her sense of humor and patience with us rowdy boys. 

Since 2014, we have awarded the Ashton Richardson Mayberry Memorial Scholarship annually to a St. David High School graduating senior that we select based on attitude, morals, effort and need. Funds for the scholarship were donated by I-don’t-know-how-many very generous people when Ashton died. Max and Dona made a significant contribution to the scholarship fund. When we have been on missions, someone from our family has awarded the scholarship in our stead. Next year (2021) will be the last of 8 years that the scholarship will be awarded. What a blessing to be a part of this touching tribute to Ashton, allowing us to “pay it forward,” hoping that the recipients will return the favor to someone else in need.

The photos are from a trip we took yesterday with some friends to Tiritiri Matangi, a beautiful little island close to Auckland that is also a bird sanctuary. What a treat for our first post-pandemic-lockdown excursion!

Written by Carter. Photos by Faye.

Written by Carter: I have been writing thoughts down throughout the week. I’m not going to take the time to organize them, so this may be somewhat of a “free-association” letter. To begin, I wanted everyone to know that I’m feeling better than last week. To paraphrase another grieving parent, “We haven’t gotten over missing Ashton, but have gotten (somewhat) used to it.” Fortunately, the times I feel badly usually only happen every few months now and only last a few days (at most). They seem to especially coincide with significant dates, like the anniversary of his death, his birthday, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, etc. It’s mostly that I just miss Ashton. Other than Heavenly Father Himself, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a “perfect father;” I certainly wasn’t. However, I don’t have any major or persistent regrets about my interactions with Ashton when he was alive. I feel blessed that I’m not angry at Ashton or Faye or God or myself or anyone else; I understand that some people in my situation might feel all or some of these emotions. I’m not worried about the status of Ashton’s soul. When Elder Renlund said, “Your boy is fine,” that was enough for me. Again, I’m grateful for all of my living children and grandchildren; I have been undeservedly-blessed. I have an amazing wife. I had almost 22 years with Ashton; I have some great memories with him; I just miss him! I feel a little embarrassed being so open with how I’m feeling in these letters. I write this much detail for two reasons: a) it helps me sort through my feelings as I write and b) I hope it helps someone else in some way. My favorite TV series currently is “The Chosen,” which depicts the fictional backstory of Christ’s apostles and followers. In one scene, Simon Peter says to Jesus, “I don’t need to tell you what I’m thinking; you already know.” Jesus responds, “Simon, it does not take God’s wisdom to know what you are thinking!” — meaning that Simon’s thoughts and emotions are quite apparent most the time. When it comes to my writing, I must be like that somewhat, also. Janette LeSueur shared a podcast with us by Brene Brown where she interviews an expert who wrote a book about grief. He defines the last stage of grief is “meaning-making,” or finding “meaning” in whatever the tragedy is one is going through. I like that thought, which gives me some “scaffolding” (his word) upon which to build my healing. I believe there are some things that I can only learn through grief: for example, empathy for others who are going through devastating life losses; my heart goes out to them much more now than it did before Ashton’s death. The “darkness” of grief also helps me appreciate the “brightness” of happy times. As odd as this is for me to write, I wonder if the contrasting grief might even amplify the joy I am able to feel? As I thought about grief last week, an image came to mind of taking off in an airplane, which has to pass through a layer of clouds before breaking into the sunlight. I’m not a pilot, but my understanding is that the pilot must rely on his instruments while passing through the clouds; his vision is limited. Passing through grief may be similar: at times, my vision is “clouded.” I am grateful for the “instruments” that help me navigate during those times: prayer, scripture study, temple worship, service to others, my patriarchal blessing, living prophets and apostles, other Church leaders, the teachings of my parents, the Holy Ghost, God’s love, Christ’s Atonement, etc. As I prepared for this week’s Sunday School lesson, I read about how Christ descended below all things. An image came into my mind of all the collective sorrows and sins of the world being a huge, heavy mass. Christ positions Himself under that mass, places His shoulders under it…and lifts. I love that thought. Christ knows my suffering perfectly. I thought of how growth can be painful. When children are growing, sometimes they have achy muscles/bones/joints at night after an active day. There is an actual medical condition called “growing pains.” Whenever I have done a new activity with my muscles, they are often sore the next day. That tells me that what I did required some effort, which was probably good for those muscles. Of course, that can be overdone to cause injury. However, growth is sometimes/often painful! I heard a comparison between buffaloes and cows: when a snowstorm is approaching, the natural instinct of buffaloes is to walk toward the storm. The result is they get through the storm more quickly. Conversely, cows tend to walk away from the storm…prolonging the time they are in the storm. One selfish hope for me is that, by sharing how I feel, I am “walking into the storm.” Some “storms” of life I cannot just walk around, over or under; I can try to walk away from it or “negotiate” with it…but sometimes the best way is to “walk into the storm.” I’m striving to become an expert in my own healing. Our blog’s subtitle is “Grieving with God’s Guidance.” I don’t remember how we came up with that, but I still like it. After Ashton died, Mary Pat Lansing, one of my music teachers from 5th-12th grade (now close to 90-years old) asked me, “How do people get through things like this without God?” My response: “I don’t know…and I don’t want to find out.” I appreciate her helping me remember to look to my one and only true source of comfort and peace: God. I love learning about God, my Creator, which helps me understand one of His creations: me. As the Creator, He knows how I am made. He knows the laws I need to obey to be happy and joyful. The better I know Him, the better I understand His laws and the more likely I am to follow those laws. As you observe me walking my path, I hope you notice the path I’m trying to walk more than you do how I am walking the path. I have and do and will make mistakes. However, quoting Leo Tolstoy: “…If I know the way home [but] am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way simply because I am staggering from side to side?…give your help [to anyone — whether that be me or anyone else — trying to walk the road back to God.]” I must say that people have been very kind, patient, supportive, forgiving and understanding. Thank you. Please keep the kindness coming…and I’ll do my best to do the same for you!

Faye’s birthday was Monday. Several of the other senior missionaries gave her some very thoughtful gifts. Some “heart-attacked” our front door. Today is Mother’s Day; happy Mother’s Day to all you women out there…whether you have borne children or not; Eve was called “the mother of all living” before she bore any children.
I served my mission as a young man in Venezuela; those people hold a dear place in my heart. When we were in Peru, we got very close to two brothers from Venezuela who were about our children’s ages. We called them our “adopted sons.” We have kept in contact with them since we left Peru. A couple of Sundays ago, one of them texted me and asked what I was doing; I told him I was observing the Lord’s day of rest. He then asked me to share a scripture with him, which I did (John 10:16, pointing out that Christ’s “other sheep” are the people in the Americas, whom He visited after His Resurrection and Ascension into Heaven — as taught in the Book of Mormon). I also shared James 1:5, which is the scripture that prompted Joseph Smith to pray and ask God which church he should join and initiated the appearance of God, the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ to Joseph. About a week later, I asked “my son” if he would like to meet with the missionaries; he said “yes.” The My Tools app has a way to generate a referral, which I did. About 10 minutes after sending that referral, “my son” texted me that the missionaries in Peru had contacted him and set up a lesson the following day! I was able to participate with a 3-way video call with the missionaries, “my son” and his wife! They have had 3 lessons so far, with plans for baptism 30 May! Wow! The lessons have been very good; they both seem to be very engaged and sincere. My love for them and for their desire to follow God’s will for them has increased so much! What a miracle to be a part of this process using using technology!

I have been asked to “weigh in” on a tough medical case in one of the islands. A young Church member may have cancer. They need to have surgery on their abdomen to make that determination. However, the hygiene in the island is not very good; there are concerns that the patient will get an infection. We are considering moving her to another island that has very good medical facilities. However, the pandemic has complicated movement between countries. Church leaders are reluctant to approve Church funds unless they have exhausted all local resources and there is a reasonable chance that the patient will respond to treatment. Since I don’t know for sure whether there is cancer or not, I don’t know how to comment on the patient’s prognosis. Please pray for me as I give my input on this case.
Yesterday, I took two 25-question quizzes to maintain my family medicine board certification. I’m grateful that the Lord has prepared my mind to be a physician, that I’m able to help other people, that I enjoy learning. The quizzes are actually “fun” for me; it’s like working a puzzle. I know that’s weird, but I do. I’m also glad I live in a time and place where this is an option for me. Uncle Walter McRae (Grandmother’s brother) said he would have liked to be a physician, but he didn’t have the finances (in the 1920s-30s) to pursue that route. I’m grateful for all who made my education and training possible.

Written by Carter. This is the email I sent to my family. I felt like I should share it on the blog, also:

I had a zoom call to train the new Auckland mission president – and his wife (President & Sister Eccles) – on how do use the Church’s medical software. I look forward to serving with them. I had another video conference with the other health professionals in the area – to discuss missionaries that might need to go home. Numbers are quite low, so we didn’t have much to discuss this time. I also had a video call with the US hearing aid professional on how to get the device to work that streams the audio from the TV to my hearing aids. It was great to use technology over such a long distance in all these instances! It is no wonder that prophets of old marveled to see our day – with its many technological advancements!

That’s all for my updates on my area medical advisor responsibilities. I’m now going to talk about how I’ve been doing emotionally over the last week. Some people seem to want to know that. Some seem to be less interested – which is OK. To the latter group: please feel free to skip the rest of my letter. 

As we mentioned last week, April 30 was Ashton‘s 28th birthday. I even bought him a birthday card! Hannah Evans also painted a beautiful card and sent it to us. We heard from several in our “adopted family” that we met while serving in Peru. Because New Zealand is 17-19 hours ahead of the US, the other senior missionaries remembered Ashton on our Thursday – and people in the US remembered him on our Friday. We appreciated that very much, but it was exhausting to do that for two days. In the future, we’re going to find a way to consolidate those remembrances into one day – probably to coincide with the US date.

We debated a little bit on how much to tell the other Senior Missionaries about Ashton. They had a zoom family home evening last Monday. Faye and I were both struggling that day and didn’t feel like we could participate. I called our leader and told him why we were would not be there – and gave him permission to share with the other missionaries about Ashton‘s suicide and his upcoming birthday. I’m glad we did that. I don’t want to be a “poor me,“ but how do they know when they need to “mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort” – unless we tell them how we are feeling? If someone else were having a tough time, I would like to know so I can be helpful if possible. This is our “village” or “tribe” while we’re away from home. Several of them reached out to us with loving messages & emails. With chocolate! They gave us flowers and a card, brought us dinner and treats later in the week. I really appreciated that love and support. Faye made some brownies that we delivered to the other senior missionaries on Ashton’s birthday, complete with a birthday candle in the middle of each one! Faye is awesome at finding ways to serve others during difficult times!

One of the senior missionaries shared a TED Talk that I had seen a few years ago. The speaker’s husband had died from cancer. She had remarried and was doing quite well. People had mentioned “moving on,” but she said that would mean leaving memories with her deceased husband behind. She likes the term “moving forward” with her husband’s death better. I agree. She also questioned why we sometimes react differently to hard things than to happy things. When someone’s child has a birthday, we don’t say to them, “So your kid turned 5 today…get over it!”

Several years ago, Henry B. Eyring spoke about when his grandmother Eyring was dying of stomach cancer. She was staying with her daughter, who reported that Grandma Eyring complained only once, and then it was not really a complaint but just to say that it hurt. It was comforting for me to be validated when I say that grief hurts, also. For me, it hurts in my chest. It’s physical pain. An intense “boo-hoo” out-loud crying episode for several minutes helps get that pain out. If I try to suppress it, it prolongs the pain and I get a headache. Faye and our children are the only ones around whom I have allowed myself that expression of grief. I have done that a few times while driving alone, also. As I listen to myself, I sound funny when I cry like that, but I don’t really care. 

This week, my physical and mental stamina was decreased. I needed to take longer and more-frequent naps. Once, I had to ask Faye to not ask me to make a decision on what to do with some medical supplies she was going through and deciding what to keep/not keep. We have been playing the game Azul with two widowed senior missionaries who live in our apartment building. We usually play two games, but I’ve only been up to playing one game. It’s helpful for me to watch good comedy. I’ve found some good ones on VidAngel, which has clean comedians…and/or cuts out the objectionable portions of their routines. It’s very healing to laugh! 

I’ve also found it helpful to listen to uplifting music. My favorite song right now is “Alleluia” by the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square. I’ve always had trouble understanding song lyrics, but this one only has one word that is repeated throughout the song, so I do OK. I find SO much comfort in that song! God is so good!

I have continued to pray and study scriptures daily. It’s also been helpful to meditate: 25 minutes twice a day; it helps me stay “present” in what is going on right now, rather than ruminating over the past or worrying about the future.

I’ve also found it helpful to reach out to friends. Several of them have mentioned they were praying for me/us this week. That means a lot to me. I listened to a podcast about loneliness, something more prevalent in men as they age. They asked the men, “Who would you ask if you needed help?” Many men say, “Besides my wife, I would be hard-pressed to name anyone (or more than 1 or 2 people) that I could ask for help.” Thankfully, I am blessed with many, many friends. I am also blessed with the desire to “mend fences” when relationships might have been injured. I have tried to ask forgiveness when I have made mistakes and to speak with other people directly when I have allowed my feelings to be hurt. What a blessing that has been EVERY time! It has been hard to initiate, but has consistently resulted in a stronger relationship with the individual involved. Every time!

There is a medical/psychological condition called “complicated grief.” I read my medical reference (UpToDate) to see if I might have that. I really don’t think I do, but I do have some risk factors (I have underlying atypical depression (that is being treated with fluoxetine), Ashton died of suicide (traumatic death increases risk in survivors) and he is my son (death of a child tends to take a heavier toll other relationship deaths)). Mental and physical health professionals should be alert to suicide risk in those who might have complicated grief. I have been very introspective about this and have not ever felt suicidal before or since Ashton’s death (in case anyone is wondering). I am striving to take care of my health. I exercise. I take appropriate precautions when crossing the street, driving in the car, etc. I miss Ashton, but I’m willing to trust the Lord on when I see him again; I have no desire to speed up that reunion.

I sometimes wonder if it’s healthy for me to “bare my soul” like this. I don’t know, but it seems to be. One of my motivations is I hope it’s helpful for others who might be going through hard times. Life is meant to be a testing/proving grounds. Everyone reading this is going through tough times; my situation is not harder or worse than anyone else’s, but it’s helpful for me to remember that God weeps when I weep; he rejoices when I rejoice. There is peace in Christ amidst the storms of life. The Lord qualifies whom He calls…including those He calls to endure hard times. I read a book about Abraham Lincoln, who clarified his vision to free the slaves after the death of his son, which drove him to his knees in grief. I’ve tried to be aware of and grateful for the blessings that have come and are coming BECAUSE of Ashton’s death. One that immediately comes to mind is increased empathy for others who are struggling, especially with their mental health. I wonder what compensatory blessings the Lord will YET give me because of Ashton’s death? I don’t know, but I trust Him, His wisdom, His love, His justice, His mercy, His grace, His timing, His patience, His benevolence, His kindness. He is my Father. I am His son. What a wonderful thing to know and believe! And so are you! Nothing can separate us from His love! He may not approve of something I am doing, but He will never stop loving me. He cannot do it!

Candace Mayberry Evans is our daughter; Clara is our granddaughter. I thought it was appropriate to share this on Easter. Below is what Candace wrote about this song.

Hi, friends! 🙋‍♀️ I would like to share a song, on this Good Friday and Easter weekend. It is called “Come Unto Me”, and is sung by my sweet (and brave) daughter. 😇

My dear and amazingly talented friend, Emily Pond Ricks 🤩, co-wrote this song with me. We submitted it for consideration for the new Children’s Songbook our church is putting out within the next couple years.🤞

I hope this song will teach our precious little ones (and all of us, as children of God! 💖) that Jesus wants us to come to Him, no matter how we are feeling and no matter what we have done. Because He suffered and died for us, He knows EVERY pain we have experienced; He can and WILL help us through anything, when we accept His invitation to: “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your soul. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 💙
(Matthew 11:28-30)

I have experienced this first hand in my life, when I have needed to bring some pretty heavy emotions to God. I was even angry *at* God for a period of time, in my grieving process after my brother, Ashton, died by suicide in January of 2014. I didn’t feel like I could bring that kind of emotion to God; I had to be free of anger first. This is not true but it’s how I felt for awhile. Through a series of tender experiences, though, I realized that if God “can’t take” our heaviest emotions, who can? He *can* and He will. I have felt God’s grace lift me from despair and anguish. 💙

I (and Emily!) wanted to have a song to teach this truth to even the littlest of our little ones. 😇
Enjoy!

💕Come Unto Me💕

When I feel sad or worried or mad, if I feel alone: Jesus says, “Come.”
When I’m afraid and when I have made mistakes Jesus says:
“Come, come unto me and learn of me.”
He says, “Come, little ones, come; come unto me.”

When I am crying, if I am trying hard to forgive:
Jesus says, “Come.”
When I am wrong, when I feel I don’t belong
Jesus says:
“Come, come unto me and learn of me.”
He says, “Come, little ones, come; come unto me.”

Jesus, my Savior, felt every pain;
He suffered for me so I can come.
I’ll choose to trust in Him and His endless Love
When He says:
“Come, come unto me and learn of me.”
He says, “Come, little ones, come; come unto me.

Copyright 2019 Candace Evans, Emily Pond Ricks

💖💙💖💙💖

Happy Easter!
He is risen!

💖💙💖💙💖

Edit: Please feel free to share this! I hope for EVERY child, and Child of God, to hear, feel and understand this message! 💕💙💕

For those who don’t know, Faye and I are serving another mission, this time in Auckland, New Zealand. Once again, we are overseeing the health and safety of about 1500 young missionaries in the Pacific Area. We started our mission December 9 and will serve 18 months. Here is my January 1, 2020 letter home. Based on comments from several readers, this letter touched them deeply, so I thought I would share it here. Some of these thoughts I had heard or read elsewhere; others I felt like were given to my through the Holy Ghost. To honor the privacy of the missionary involved, I will only include my thoughts and actions, not theirs. I will refer to the missionary with the pronouns he/she to make it gender-neutral.

I sometimes accompany missionaries home when he/she is either medically or emotionally unstable. I think this missionary had developed his/her first bipolar manic episode. In trying to help, I’d say things like, “Your brain right now is telling you things that are not accurate.” “You are not your thoughts.” “Sometimes people’s kidneys fail; sometimes their heart fails. For you right now, your brain has failed. The good news is, it’s very likely that the way you are feeling and thinking right now is probably not the way you are going to feel forever. I don’t know how long it will take, but there are medications, your family and Church leaders and good doctors that are going to help fix your broken brain. Just like broken bones can heal, your brain can heal, as well.” “The thoughts you are having are just ‘brain noise.’”
I would remind the missionary that they had a lot of people who loved them and were going to help them. He/she couldn’t trust what his/her brain was telling them right now, so they would need to trust others around them. “One of the ways you can show your trust for God is to trust the people He has put here to help you!”
I reminded the missionary of the story of Helaman’s stripling warriors. I said, “You are one of those warriors! You served valiantly on your mission. Do you remember how they were all wounded…and that some of them fainted because of the loss of blood? Well…you’re one of those with more severe wounds! You are a ‘wounded warrior’!”
I prayed for guidance and help during much of the flight. Heavenly Father is SO good to me…and ALL His children! We had several earthly “angelic” helpers during the trip.
After scanning our passports, the missionary and I got separated briefly. He/she was being questioned by a man agent who took him/her around a wall where I couldn’t see him/her. I panicked briefly until I saw where they were. A lady agent questioned me. I told her why I was there and she walked with me to where the man was questioning the missionary. I think those two agents talked to each other because we later went to the station where they scanned our luggage. Just when another lady agent there told us which machine to go to, those two agents who questioned the missionary and me came up and said, “Come over here with us.” They scanned our luggage and compassionately helped us navigate that last step in the journey. I think God sent those two agents to that station at that very moment!
After I “handed off” the missionary to their family, I walked up the escalator, sniffling, to get on my flight back to NZ. I sat down, texted the mission president that the missionary was with his/her family, then I quietly sobbed for a couple of minutes. There was someone sitting next to me, so I couldn’t cry aloud like I probably would have if I had been alone.
More angels: Before I left New Zealand the day prior, I tried to check-in for my return flight online, but the app wouldn’t let me. I meant to try later, but forgot because of all that was going on. When I got to the kiosk in the other airport where you scan your passport to go to the boarding area, it wouldn’t accept my passport. I told the agent that I didn’t have a boarding pass and why I was there and that I was returning to NZ. He walked me in person (quite a distance) to the gate agents, who had to call someone in NZ to make sure I was legit to return. They issued me a boarding pass. The agent who walked me up there stayed with me until I boarded. We chatted a little about Arizona; I invited him to come visit us! He was an angel!
When I got on the plane, the same flight attendants welcomed me as had been on my first leg and they recognized me. I told one that I was accompanying a sick missionary home, but now returning to where I lived in NZ. She was very sympathetic and said she would see if she could get me something special for a meal.
Another angel: Faye. She prays for me and encourages me. We cried together when I recounted my trip. She reminds me: How many other doctors are there who are Area Medical Advisers in the Church who have a son who came home from a mission early because of mental illness and then later took their own life? I’m guessing none; I didn’t ask for the compassion and empathy I have developed since Ashton’s death, but I feel like I’ve been blessed with a measure of that gift. I’m glad that Heavenly Father was able to bless this missionary through me. “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God…” If this is the only missionary with mental illness I’m able to bless during this mission, it is already worth it!
At Pres. Nelson’s recommendation, I’m studying Doctrine & Covenants Section 84. On the trip, this verse jumped off the page for me: “…I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” That promise was verily fulfilled today. I love my Heavenly Father and am grateful for His tender mercies for His missionaries!

THIS is why we are here. THIS is why we are serving missions.

Thank you all for your love and prayers,

Carter & Faye (written by Carter)

Hello, everyone. Within a month after Ashton’s death, a good friend by the name of Glen Tilton approached us. Glen also suffers from depression and could empathize with Ashton’s pain. In addition, he has vast experience with organizing and directing nonprofits. He asked us how we would feel about his developing a nonprofit foundation to which donors could contribute that would fund research that will lead to a cure for depressive disorders. He asked how we would feel about naming it after Ashton. We heartily consented.     

Since then, Glen has visited with the psychiatry departments at the University of Arizona in Tucson; Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee; and University of Central Florida in Orlando. His goal was to understand what is known about depression and what is NOT known. What treatment approaches have the best promise for helping the most people to the greatest degree? He felt best about the program at Vanderbilt. Since that time, he has been working with the IRS to have the foundation designated as a 501(C)(3) nonprofit. He recently cleared that hurdle, so the Foundation is now prepared to accept donations. We wanted to put the word out as soon as possible so that those who want to contribute can do so.    

There is not a website set up for online donations yet; that will come in the near future. Until the online donation capability is arranged, if you choose to donate, please make a check out to “Ashton Richardson Mayberry Foundation” and send it to 770 N. Puesta Del Sol, St. David, AZ 85630. Please include a note indicating whether you would like a receipt for your donation, along with your address.   

Glen welcomes any questions about the Foundation. His email address is gltilton@gmail.com. His phone number is 520-686-2404.   

May God bless and guide Glen Tilton as he starts this Foundation! May He bless those who donate with the peace and satisfaction that they are contributing to a worthy cause! May He bless those who are doing research with wisdom and guidance in finding the cure for depressive disorders that so many people so desperately need! And may He bless those who suffer from depressive disorders (and their families) with peace, hope and comfort.   

Written by Carter

    A couple of people have unsubscribed from my blog after I posted something that is more spiritual in nature. That kind of bothered me initially, but, as I thought about it more, I realized that it would not be authentic of me to NOT share something that is so foundational for me. My spiritual and religious beliefs is such a fundamental part of who I am that I cannot NOT share it. I realize that there are many that believe and feel differently. I humbly respect and acknowledge those viewpoints. I’m also grateful to live in a country where disagreeing (with kindness and civility) is considered to be healthy and is even encouraged. I sincerely hope that those who unsubscribe or unfollow have their needs met elsewhere.
    As I mentioned in a previous post, I see a psychiatrist for my depression. At my last appointment, he asked me some thought-provoking questions regarding Ashton’s death: Are you angry with God? Are you angry with life? Are you angry with Ashton? Are you angry with Faye? Are you angry with yourself? Are you angry with anyone else? I do not judge or condemn anyone who answers “yes” to any of these questions. However, I honestly can say “no” to every question he asked. I regret that I had a gun that Ashton used to take his own life. However, I had asked him a few weeks before his death if he was suicidal and he said “no.” In retrospect, I think he was determined to take his own life and the method would have been something different had I NOT had a gun. God has helped take away the “coulda-woulda-shoudas” surrounding Ashton’s death. He has given me peace. I heard a talk recently about a woman who became blind when she was about 9 years old. She said, “To those who ask me if I am angry because I am blind, I respond, ‘Who would I be angry with? Heavenly Father is in this with me; I am not alone. He is with me all the time.'” I echo those sentiments. I am grateful for God’s guiding hand that has helped me to heal. I likewise am not alone. He is with me all the time.
    When Ashton died, we chose to donate his corneas, the skin on his back and his ankle bones to others who could use them. His heart valves were damaged, so we could not donate those. When we were serving in Peru, there was a sister missionary from Peru who developed a severe corneal infection while serving in another country. To save her eye, the doctors in that country had to cut out her cornea and give her a temporary transplant until the infection resolved, which took about 6 months. Then I helped facilitate a corneal transplant where the donor was from the US. Because the corneal infection happened on her mission, the Church paid for this medical care. It was bittersweet for me to be on the “other side” of a corneal transplant; I know something of the sadness of the donor family, but was now seeing the hope for sight again on the part of the recipient. When we returned home in October, I sent a letter through the donor network, asking them to forward it to the two recipients of Ashton’s corneas. I followed the donor network’s suggested format for these letters, which they handle frequently. I shared Ashton’s first name, how old he was, what he liked to do, etc. Just this week, we received a letter from one of his cornea recipients. She also shared her first name, what she likes to do and how Ashton’s cornea has helped improve her quality of life. It was hard to be reminded of our son’s death, but I was grateful to know that someone else’s life was improved. Not coincidentally, I also saw a patient this week who had a heart valve transplant. When I referred to the valve as having come from a “cadaver,” he said, “I prefer to use the word ‘donor.'” I’m glad he said that; I like thinking of Ashton as a “donor,” rather than a “cadaver,” also.
    Faye and I attended the TucsonSurvivors of Suicide support group Thursday evening. The first time we went (in May), I kind of dreaded going, but felt lighter and lifted afterward. This time, while I didn’t know exactly how it would go, who would be there, etc., I looked forward to going more than I did the first time. The American Association of Suicidology publishes a 30-page booklet entitled, “A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide,” which I highly recommend for others in our situation. One paragraph states, “Others may tire of talking about [your loved one’s suicide] long before you do. Talking through your feelings and fears is essential for recovery from your trauma. Unfortunately, while your closest supporters may be willing to listen and share with you for a few weeks or months, there’s likely to come a time when their thoughts move on from the suicide while yours are still racing. This is why support groups are so valuable. Fellow survivors understand what you’re feeling in a way that even your closest friends cannot. Your fellow group members will never grow weary of offering supportive words and sympathetic ears.”
    Faye and I received our mission call to serve in the Pacific Area starting in December. I will be Area Medical Adviser (AMA) again, with similar duties to what I had in Peru. We will live in Auckland, New Zealand. We “signed up” for this mission at the same time as our Peru mission (in the fall of 2015). We have been looking forward to serving in the same part of the world as Ashton did when he was a missionary; he served in Fiji. The Church leader in Salt Lake City who oversees AMAs called us a couple weeks ago and said we may not be able to serve in New Zealand because the government of New Zealand is very strict with who they allow into their country. Most people have three leaflets in their aortic heart valve; I only have two. Those with three leaflets tend to wear out those leaflets, requiring surgery to replace the valve in their 70’s; those with two leaflets tend to wear theirs out ten years earlier. I guess New Zealand might not want to take a chance that my valve will wear out in my 50’s. Faye and I fasted and prayed and took the matter to the Lord in His temple in The Gila Valley. We both felt like we should proceed with our plans to serve in New Zealand, understanding that the mission is not about us; that it is about serving wherever the Lord needs us. We are praying for a miracle and that we will be allowed to serve in New Zealand. “But if not,” we will serve wherever we are assigned. As I was praying this week, the words came into my mind, “Be still, and know that I am God.” I almost laughed out loud when that happened because it was so clear what I needed to do: trust God. I mentioned this experience to my cousin, who said, “Isn’t it a relief when you come to that realization?! You don’t need to worry about the outcome; it is in God’s hands!” Yes! I can do that! I can trust God!
    Written by Carter

    I decided to answer some questions today. I do this partly for myself, but also for others who might want to know my responses. These responses are among the “anchors” in my life that have allowed me to weather and even thrive amidst the inevitable storms of my life.

• How do I feel about Jesus Christ?
  

    I love Jesus Christ with all my heart. I know that He loves me. He is my Savior and Redeemer. He knows how to succor and bring comfort when I feel sad, lonely, angry or depressed. He knows exactly how I feel because He submitted Himself to His Father’s will by coming to this earth, taking upon Himself a mortal body and humbling Himself, beginning with His birth in a manger and ending with His death on a cross. I have faith and trust that He knows what is best for me better than I do.

• Why do I stay in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

    As a boy, I stayed because it was something familiar to me; it was what the rest of my family did…and it seemed to bring joy and satisfaction to their lives. Why do I stay now as a 56-year-old man? Because I believe that God, the Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, did in fact appear to the boy Joseph Smith in a grove of trees in upstate New York in 1820. I believe that with all my heart. I have asked God if that is true. I have examined the Book of Mormon and other evidences of that event. They all confirm to me that this heavenly vision did indeed occur.

• Why do I believe that the Book of Mormon is scripture?

    I have read at least one verse in the Book of Mormon every day for at least 30 years (maybe missing 5 days during that time). As I have read, I have tried to stay open and humble to God’s impressions. He has helped me to know that it is His word through the witness of the Holy Ghost, which speaks to my heart and to my spirit through feelings of peace. Joseph Smith promised that a man would get nearer to God by abiding by the precepts in the Book of Mormon than by any other book. That has been the case for me; it is the most influential book I have ever read.

• Where do I get my peace?

    From knowing that God has a plan for His children, including me. From trusting that plan. From knowing that I lived with God before I came to this earth and that I will live again after this lifetime; this life is only a part of my eternal existence. I don’t know how things will work out in the end…but I know that God does. 

• Why does it matter that there is a prophet in 2019 and that he has something to say?

    Because that is God’s pattern throughout this earth’s history: He speaks through mortal men called prophets. He tells them what He wants His children to know at that time. I need to know what God said to Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses and Peter. I am grateful to have the Holy Bible to help me know that. However, it gives me great comfort to know that God lives and still has something to say to me today. He cares about what I am doing enough that He still speaks through His prophet to help me navigate the difficulties in my life today, which are different than they were in the days of prior prophets.

• How do I know Russell M. Nelson is a real prophet?

    As I look at his life, I can see that the Lord has been preparing President Nelson to lead His church today. Even more important, the Holy Ghost has spoken to my heart and spirit, confirming that what President Nelson teaches and asks me to do is coming from God. He is speaking the mind and will of God to me today. As I strive to implement what he has asked me to do, I can see that Lord’s guidance and blessings in my life.

• Why do I believe?

    When Ashton died, a woman in the community whom I respect and who is from another Christian denomination asked me, “How do people get through things like this without God?” My response, “I don’t know…and I don’t want to find out!” It has been hard enough grieving WITH God’s guidance; I can’t imagine trying to do this on my own. When Christ asked his disciples, “Will ye also go away?” Peter’s response was, “Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.” I echo Peter’s words.

• What does it feel like to believe?

    It feels peaceful. It feels calm. I feel comfort. I feel peace. I feel love from God. I feel like He is guiding me throughout my life. I want to get along with my neighbor. I want to serve as Christ did. I want to be an instrument in God’s hands to serve His children.

• Did I ever doubt? How did I get through it?

    I don’t remember ever doubting. I have had questions, but I have tried to focus on the “big questions” in life: “Is there a God?” and “Does He love me?” Knowing the answer to those two questions has helped me navigate through any other questions I have had.

• What does Jesus Christ mean to me?

    He means everything to me. He is central to my existence. He is central to God’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. Because of Jesus Christ, I can be forgiven of my sins and shortcomings. I can be with my family throughout the eternities. Elder Renlund told us that there are some things that Ashton will need to learn and unlearn in the Spirit World, but reminded us that the power of the sealing ordinances and covenants of the temple are real. Ashton will be our son throughout the eternities. I don’t know exactly what that will look like that, but I trust that God does. I know that whatever the outcome, it will be because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

    I hope these thoughts are helpful for someone out there. It has been helpful for me to write them down.

Good morning! I went hiking yesterday with some friends. We started from Gardner Canyon in the Santa Rita Mountains to the top of Mount Wrightston, at an elevation of 9456 feet. It is the tallest of the “sky islands” that surround Tucson. The elevation gain from the start of the hike to the top was 3300 feet. The view from the top was stunning! I loved hearing the birds sing, the smell of the oaks and pines and the beautiful Arizona ash and Arizona sycamore. Most of all, I loved visiting with the others in our group. They are wonderful people.

From Mount Wrightson, we could see Mount Graham in the Pinaleño’s, the Chiricahua’s, the Mule Mountains, the Whetstone’s, the Dragoon’s, the Huachuca’s, the Catalinas, others that I don’t know the names of, and even mountains into Mexico. What an amazing perspective! I was stuck by what seemed to be an optical illusion: in the Rincon Mountains, Mica Mountain is at a higher elevation than Rincon Peak. However, just eyeballing it, Rincon Peak SEEMS to be higher. Is that because Rincon Peak is more “pointed” and Mica Mountain is more “rounded”? Or is it because Mica Mountain is further away? I don’t know. The other thing that one of our hiking partners pointed out was how relatively “small” the Whetstone’s appeared to be when viewed from Mount Wrightston; they are about 2,000 feet lower. However, as we came down Mount Wrightston and as we drove back toward Benson, the Whetstone’s appeared to be larger again. 

Isn’t that like life? Perspective is SO important!

When I attended the suicidology conference in Denver a few weeks ago, one of the speakers mentioned Richard Nixon’s farewell speech when he resigned as president of the U.S in 1974. In this speech, Nixon quotes Theodore Roosevelt, who wrote the following in his journal after his young daughter’s death, “And when my heart’s dearest died — died, the light went from my life forever.”  Nixon then comments, “[Theodore Roosevelt] thought the light had gone from his life forever — but he went on. And he not only became President but, as an ex-President, he served his country always in the arena, tempestuous, strong, sometimes wrong, sometimes right, but he was a man.” In response to Theodore Roosevelt’s statement that the light had left his life forever, Nixon observes, “Not true. It’s only a beginning — always. The young must know it; the old must know it. It must always sustain us because the greatness comes not when things go always good for you, but the greatness comes when you are really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes; because only if you’ve been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.”

As we hiked, the vegetation and birds changed, depending on the current elevation. Even in the same micro-environment, some birds eat insects in the air; others eat seeds on the ground; others drink nectar from flowers; yet others eat dead animals. Everything has its purpose and season. What is my current purpose and season?

One of my hiking companions shared the story of his father’s conversion to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. That was very tender. He also spoke of all those who mentored him when he was growing up who helped him before his father was ready to assume that role. It made me think of all those who have mentored me over the years; I hope I can “pay forward” their generosity as they loved me and taught me.

For me, hiking UP is difficult because it makes me huff and puff from the exertion. However, hiking DOWN is actually MORE difficult; my knees and quads were VERY fatigued by the end of the hike from putting the “brakes” on as we descended; my quads were so spent that they were quivering. One of my hiking companions and I were talking about that. I wondered aloud, “How does one train for hiking downhill?” At first, neither of us could think of anything, but then I said, “I guess by hiking downhill!” How do I “train” for the difficulties of life? There are several potential responses to this question, but one of the responses is by “[pressing] forward with steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and love of God and of all men.” Just keep moving, “continually holding fast to the rod of iron.”

As we returned home, I was exhausted, but exhilarated, knowing what I had accomplished. I want to repeat a similar exertion sometime in the near future so that I can build on the conditioning that I experienced yesterday.

We returned home in the afternoon. I then attended the baptism of a very courageous lady. She suffers from a severe medical condition and lives alone. I thought of how physically weak she is, but of how spiritually and emotionally strong she is. It occurred to me that part of the reason she is so spiritually and emotionally strong is BECAUSE of her medical condition and loneliness. If I choose to endure my trials with faith in God’s plan and in the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, I can experience true joy and growth and strength.

Written by Carter