Jordan, Candace & Ashton Mayberry

Wednesday evening, September 17, 2014 – Waiting in our home for the rain and flooding predicted. We are ready with food, water, flashlights, cars gassed up, sand bags in place, chicken coop and barn secured. Calls and texts made to family members. Do they have what they need too? Are they ready?

Whenever it rains… I remember. I remember a little toe headed boy, 3 years old, living up in Whiteriver, Arizona, on our beloved Apache reservation. We had some awesome rain storms up there in the mountains with deafening thunder and lightening that blazed across the sky. When a storm started, Ashton would get all excited, run to the window and yell, “Sunder and Yight!” He had the sweetest little way of speaking. He never seemed afraid, just loved the excitement of it all.

Ashton was a sweet, happy little boy.

We had no idea then, that his mind would change in his teenage years. When Ashton came home from his mission he told me, ” Mom, now that I know what depression feels like, I think I was depressed in junior high and high school.” We had no idea. We thought he was just our quiet boy. Because of my depression, I thought I knew how to spot it in anyone. But I’ve learned that depression manifests itself differently in everyone. Some get angry. Some keep it all in, like Ashton did. He couldn’t tell us about it. Some sleep a lot and have no energy to do the things they usually like to do. Some eat. Some feel all of that and more. Those in the deep depression feel dark and hopeless, like Ashton. Had the depression been with him for so long that it was impossible to get rid of?

All I know is that Heavenly Father has a plan… for each of us. I don’t understand His plan for Ashton, but someday I will. The song, “Sometime We’ll Understand” arranged by Rob Gardner, was sung at his funeral.

“Not now, but in the coming years
It may not be when we demand,
We’ll know the meaning of our tears
And there, sometime, we’ll understand…

…So trust in God through all thy days
Fear not, for he doth hold thy hand
Though dark thy way, still sing and praise
Sometime, sometime we’ll understand”

Thursday morning… no flooding, just steady, good rain all night. We were ready. Glad it wasn’t as bad as predicted.

I wish… I wish the same scenario could have happened with Ashton.

“Suicide only happens in dysfunctional families!” our son Jordan commented once. We’ve proven that wrong…. Depression can happen to anyone, anywhere, no matter what kind of family you have. It is way too common… way too destructive. If you are depressed, if you’ve had depression that won’t go away for more than 2 weeks, do something about it now. Tell someone. Get some help. There’s all different kinds of help out there.

Ashton’s psychiatrist said he died from depression, an illness just like heart disease or cancer.

There’s more rain predicted, and, for now… I get to keep remembering that happy little boy…the sweet way he talked… then feel the joy and the heartache it brings me.

Written by Faye