Ashton Mayberry ~ Missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ~ Fiji Suva Mission.

Ashton died at about 11:00 am on Tuesday, January 28, 2014. That afternoon we were at my parents home discussing the funeral. Who would speak? What music would there be? Who would be the pall bearers? We were still in shock.  I was able to sit and talk and plan. It had to be done. We had to do it.

I remember asking my mother, “If I’m going to be grieving, I want to grieve correctly. How do I do that?” I remember her looking at me and saying, “Well, honey….. ” and I don’t remember the rest. I just knew I wanted to grieve the right way. I like to do things right. If there are rules in a certain situation, I want to follow them. I wanted to know what the rules were for grieving. I wanted a checklist to check off.

I chuckle now as think back on that. I was serious. Rules for grieving?

I’ve read a lot about grieving in the past 8 months trying to find those rules. There are none. No rules. There are healthy ways to grieve and unhealthy ways. Of course… I am trying my best to go in the healthy direction. That’s just how I work.

In my favorite little five minute read about grief, it says:

“We need to understand grief is a normal, natural reaction to the loss of someone or something. Each of us is going to handle our grief in our own way, just like we handle any other emotion.

Some of us will show our grief. We’ll cry, look sad and withdraw from those around us. Some of us will hide our grief. We’ll cry in private and wear an “I’m doing fine” face in public.

Still others of us pretend, even to ourselves that we’re OK, not hurting. We’re the ones who keep very busy. We run because if we slow down, we’ll hurt.

What we must remember is, male or female, cry or not cry, we will feel and experience grief. When we accept the grief, the hurt within us, we can begin to move forward in a healthy manner. How we express grief is not an issue, that we allow ourselves to feel the grief is very important.”               My Friend, I Care – The Grief Experience, Barbara Karnes RN

I have been all of these things. I still do some of these things and more. There’s the numbness…. been there. There were times when people would come up to me to tell me how sorry they were. They would cry and I wouldn’t. I loved and was grateful that they said something to me, but I wasn’t feeling any sadness at all. I would think, “Hey, I’m doing great. I can handle this.” Nope. I was just numb. Normally numb. The sadness came back.

There were times when I would hide away in my home, wanting to stay there forever. It didn’t last for long. We needed bananas. I had appointments. My children and  grandchildren needed me. My church meetings were calling me. I needed to be there. My church family needed to see me there. So, I would go. Turns out…the times when I was the most reluctant to go out, someone would be there who needed to talk to me. Someone who was also hurting and knew I would understand. More than once, I have heard, “I was hoping I would see you.” I would come home refreshed and reminded that there are no coincidences and The Lord is in charge. I don’t have a counseling degree, but somehow seem to be involved in it these days.  Does it come with the territory I’m in now? It’s good to help and listen. I’m comfortable in that mode.

Rules for grieving? I’ve discovered we all have our own. No checklist. We just need to let the grief come, and let ourselves feel it…. in our own way… in our own time.

Written by Faye