Ashton, far right, with his Sunday School class ~ age 5 or 6

April 20, 2015 – I wrote a letter to my missionary son, Jacob, today. He is serving in the Washington, Spokane mission. He returns home this August. He told us he wants to hear about Ashton and how we are doing. I told him about visiting the cemetery on Sunday to see Ashton’s grave.  We didn’t cry this time. I remember saying, “Our son is buried here.” We didn’t cry. One of us commented on how beautiful the picture is and that we are really happy with how the headstone turned out. No, we didn’t cry.

There were lots of flowers out there. Some tropical, some Easter flowers still, and some other flowers put there by friends many months ago. I leave them all there and will leave them until the wind blows them away or they fall apart.  I don’t know who put most of those flowers there, but I love each one. I love the whirly thing stuck in the ground, twirling in the wind, put there by my sister’s family. It makes me smile. I know all were put there lovingly, for us and for Ashton. Thank you to everyone who left anything at Ashton’s grave.

Sometimes we don’t cry. Sometimes we just smile and remember.

I had a dream about Ashton a few nights ago….He walked into a room Carter and I were in. He was about 5- 7 years old. He had some little friends with him his same age. He was HAPPY! When he hurried into the room, he stood there beaming his happiness to us. He never said a word, but it felt like he was telling us, “Here I am, come see me!” I did. I went over to him, I knelt down in front of him and hugged and kissed the heck out of him. I rubbed his head and felt his fuzzy blond hair. He just stood there enjoying it all… knowing I was enjoying it too. I woke up from the dream happy and smiling and couldn’t stop smiling. This is some of what I wrote in my journal:

“Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me glimpses of my happy boy. It’s such a blessing for me to have those experiences with him every so often. I feel strongly that he is that happy person now.”

I never cried about that dream. I just felt happy.

Yes, sometimes I don’t cry. Sometimes I just smile and remember. Grief is not constant for me, thank goodness. I go in and out. It’s nice to be “out” most of the time since this last Easter. Is that progress? I hope so.

His birthday is coming up on April 30th. Gearing up!

Written by Faye