Ashton in beautiful Fiji !

We just got back from an overnighter at Roper Lake and hike on Mt. Graham. I saw the colorful sunset over Mt. Graham and thought of Ashton. We sat on the porch swing of our cabin and looked at the night sky, the beautiful heavens full of stars. I heard the sounds of the wildlife on the lake, and thought of Ashton. On the hour drive up the mountain we talked of Ashton. Our hike was snowy and peaceful. My thoughts were mostly of Ashton. Why is it when I’m out in the peace and beauty of God’s wonderful world, Ashton comes to mind?  I remember, as I saw that sunset and the stars in the heavens, thinking….. “Does Ashton see what I see, or does he see a more grand and glorious scene from his new perspective?”

Carter said to me a few weeks ago, “I’m done. I’m ready to move on. I know what it feels like to experience a Fathers’ Day and Thanksgiving (my two most difficult holidays this past year) without my son here.” I know that Carter was processing his thoughts by verbalizing them to me. However, I remember thinking….Really? Can we just do that? Decide to move on? How do we know when we’re done grieving? Will we ever be done? I don’t think so. Maybe we can be done with the deep, debilitating stuff of grieving. We’ve been living in survival mode this past year. I’m ready to be done with that. Maybe we can make that decision to move on and then take the grief that still comes while we’re moving on? I’d like to move on. I’m willing to try. We met with a grief counselor for the first time. She shares our beliefs, and it was a good fit. Her counsel and guidance felt very right and I think we can start to move on with her guidance. We have some goals we are working on.

I read an article on deep grieving… those bad days,  and how to handle it. The author mentioned that sometimes in our deepest grieving, we can give ourselves permission to wallow. But, we need to set a timer, because  “it’s a self-absorbed dark place that we don’t want to be in forever.  Give yourself a time limit – minutes or hours, perhaps a whole day. Set boundaries that support you.” I like that term, wallow, to describe the deep grieving. I can picture that. I have done it. Deep grieving is different for everyone, and I like the thought that we have a choice to let ourselves wallow or not. Let’s be clear here…. we HAVE to grieve. We have to let ourselves grieve.  Man or woman, we have to let ourselves feel our deep emotions when they come. When those emotions get held in, they will come out later, somehow, someway. I have learned, for me, they will usually come out as anger or depression.

Here’s a link to the whole article:

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/20-ways-get-through-those-bad-days

I have a wise and good friend, Shauna Gappmayer, who teaches me when ever I get to communicate with her. She is also grieving. This is a comment from her that I have been thinking deeply about:

“I have become aware of society’s increasing sensationalism and emotionalism…that people value and actually enjoy getting emotionally worked up. Strong emotion can block our reception of the Holy Spirit. I have become self conscious of getting emotionally worked up…then I got concerned that I wasn’t allowing myself to grieve. I prayed for the Lord to help me get the grieving in the right balance. The result has been that when the grief moments come being conscious not to get more worked up than necessary lets the healing Spirit come very quickly. I need the Lord’s healing more than I need the emotion, and I am learning not to block the Spirit . To linger in the Spirit is a much happier place. I have studied and taught many classes on worldly principles of grieving. Nothing they have to offer heals as quickly or completely as the Spirit of the Lord.”

We all need to find a balance in this grieving we have to take part in, when it’s our turn. We each have to find our own place in what feels right and good for us. As much as I would like to move on, I know that I still have grieving to do. I can’t will my grieving to stop just because I want to move on, but I hope that I can keep inching forward as I grieve.  I know that I have to feel it, but I also know that I want to feel The Lord’s holy, healing spirit  in my life as often as possible. “To linger in the spirit is a much happier place.”  I believe that. I want that. Thanks Shauna for your wise words.