I haven’t written a post for our blog in about three months. Honestly, I haven’t felt the need to write — but recently I have felt like there are people in my “audience” who are concerned about me and need to hear how I’m doing. I appreciate everyone’s ongoing love and support. It means more than I can express to feel that from you.

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot about trusting God lately. Yesterday, I wondered to myself, “Is Ashton doing OK now? Will he be OK in the eternities?” I know the circumstances are different, but the phrase, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” sometimes comes to mind. With Ashton’s “broken mind,” I don’t think he knew what he was doing. I don’t think he is accountable. Yesterday (and other times) I guess I needed some divine reassurance. The thought that came to me that I believe was from God: Ashton will be judged by God and no one else. My job at this point is to trust God.

The following are some things that have helped me remember to trust God:

In Christ’s original church, there was a priesthood office of “evangelist.” Today, that same priesthood office is called “patriarch.” A congregation in Christ’s modern church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) is called a “ward” and has roughly 300 members. A group of roughly 10 wards is called a “stake.” Isaiah (see 33:20 and 54:2) compares Zion to a tent, with stakes which help to hold it up. One definition of “Zion” today is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Today there are over 3000 “stakes” to help hold up Zion. The northern half of Cochise County of Arizona comprises the St. David Arizona Stake.

Each stake has a patriarch. The current patriarch in my stake is a schoolteacher who lives in Pomerene, Arizona. He is an ordinary man, with an ordinary occupation, probably much like his predecessor evangelists in Christ’s original church. However, the main responsibility of his priesthood office is to pronounce what are called “patriarchal blessings” to the members of the stake. Each church member is encouraged to receive one of these blessings in their lifetime. The patriarch prayerfully prepares himself, places his hands upon the recipient’s head and pronounces a personal and private blessing that is guided by God through the spirit of prophesy and revelation to help the recipient know what blessings God has in store for them. Patriarchal blessings have been said to “contain chapters from [an individual’s] life’s book of possibilities” (Thomas S. Monson, “Your Celestial Journey”). The patriarchal blessing is recorded and then transcribed so the recipient can read and reflect on it later in their life.

When I was 17-years-old, my stake patriarch was Glen Goodman, again an ordinary man whose occupation was the postmaster.  He has since passed away. At the time of my blessing, I didn’t know exactly what some of the statements in the blessing were referring to, but they are evidence to me now that God knows me and He was helping me prepare for the challenges I am facing now – 36 years later. Among other things, my patriarchal blessing states, “I bless you with faith in the Lord to follow him, and to believe in Him, and to trust Him in all things.”

These promises are evidence to me that God knows me and loves me. He knows the beginning from the end. When I was 17, He knew that I would be dealing with Ashton’s suicide today. He gave me these blessings through an ordinary man to remind me of His love for me and to remind me that I need to trust Him. Proverbs tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Shortly after Ashton’s death, a friend reminded me that I need to trust God with ALL my heart – not just the part of my heart that I understand. And there’s a lot that I don’t understand right now – for sure! Since Ashton’s death, this scripture has been one of my anchors. For a time, I read it aloud nearly every morning and then would say aloud, “I believe that!”

During Christ’s ministry, “…many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou has the words of eternal life.” (John 6:66-68)

“The Lord’s way is not hard. Life is hard, not the gospel. ‘There is an opposition in all things,’ everywhere, for everyone. Life is hard for all of us, but life is also simple. We have only two choices. We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love, and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone—without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair. And I ask, which way is easier?” (Lawrence E. Corbridge, “The Way”)

In The Book of Mormon, the prophet Nephi said, “…I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions… O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever…” (2 Nephi 4: 19-35).

The Book of Mormon later teaches about a people who were miraculously delivered by God out of bondage to their enemies. Their prophet-king reminded them, “[God] did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him” (Mosiah 29:20).

In a way, I have been in “bondage” to grief. As I have trusted God, He has delivered me from the pain and anguish that often accompanies that grief. I humbly acknowledge His deliverance.

Jeffery R. Holland (“Look to God and Live“) tells a story about his neighbor, Katie Lewis, whose older brother was battling leukemia:

As [Katie’s mother] entered her home [one day], four-year-old Katie ran up to her with love in her eyes and a crumpled sheaf of papers in her hand. Holding the papers out to her mother, she said enthusiastically, “Mommy, do you know what these are?”

[Katie’s mother] said frankly her first impulse was to deflect Katie’s zeal and say she didn’t feel like playing just then. But she thought of her children—all her children—and the possible regret of missed opportunities and little lives that pass too swiftly. So she smiled through her sorrow and said, “No, Katie. I don’t know what they are. Please tell me.”

“They are the scriptures,” Katie beamed back, “and do you know what they say?”

[Katie’s mother] stopped smiling, gazed deeply at this little child, knelt down to her level, and said, “Tell me, Katie. What do the scriptures say?”

“They say, ‘Trust Jesus.’” And then she was gone.

[Katie’s mother] said that as she stood back up, holding a fistful of her four-year-old’s scribbling, she felt near-tangible arms of peace encircle her weary soul and a divine stillness calm her troubled heart.

Katie Lewis, … I’m with you. … I too say, ‘Trust Jesus.’…

Oh, dearly, dearly has he loved!

And we must love him too,

And trust in his redeeming blood,

And try his works to do. (Hymns, “There is a Green Hill Far Away”)

Thanks again for your love and support. I also humbly acknowledge God’s hand, His love and His sustaining influence. I’m grateful for the opportunities that life has given me to choose to believe and to trust Him.

Written by Carter